...& so on and so forth...

I Am Thinking

2011-07-19T08:25:00.002+01:00

I stopped arguing & started thinking

Then I stopped speaking even if was thinking

The writing stopped & I went deeper in thought

I stopped reading, but was I still thinking?

I was thinking about what I was thinking about

Then I resolved to not decide just yet

Until now I have stopped smiling, I am still thinking

Passing Through

2011-04-24T17:50:00.003+01:00

My dear people, I have no reason why i haven't been writing & posting on my blog. I've been up 7 about & have had a roller coaster of activities that have deterred me.

A lot, yet not so much have happened to me in the recent & not so far past, so there's definitely some to hear about.

I love you guys too. All those that had me tagged on one post or the other, soon, very soon, i will live up to the tag.

Keep blogging. Keep tweeting. Keep reading. Keep writing. Keep doing what makes you happy.

Happy Easter people.

I Love Sexy Women

2011-01-21T12:36:00.007+01:00

I love sexy women

She gives you constant butterflies

And you are sure exactly why

I love sexy women as they look invigorating

Her luscious looking breasts and healthily swaying buttocks;

Irrespective of size, but sexy enough to trigger motion

I love sexy women who know that they are sexy

She carried her sexy body about gloriously

With her womanness screaming to be loved in the flesh

I love sexy women that don’t know all they want

But she is sure she wants me, for one

To reach into the essence of her womanity

I love sex with sexy women

The warmth she exudes and the mutual lust we share

Preceding the agreement of fluids in blissful bargain

I love sexy women that can make you arrive

Leave you up standing, and ready for more

Enough of her, you know you can never have

I love sexy women that inspire you

Your almost desperate want for her grabs you a pen

And makes you shamelessly scribble your lust in manuscript

A Very Happy Christmas...

2010-12-25T11:00:00.002+01:00

Glad tidings of great joy i bring to you. May the joy and blessings of this season continue with you, now and forever more.

I wish my entire blogsville family a very Happy Christmas and a Merry New Year.

ciao~Baroque

Naija Border Agency

2010-10-19T06:57:00.002+01:00

Is the Nigerian immigration an organisation at all? I have not seen such a degree of negligence in such a supposedly sensitive occupation. Very recently, I went through immigration only for me to find out that they had stamped a wrong date on my passport; the date of the previous day. I would rather they use up all the space on the page before starting a fresh page so I open it & hand the passport to them (waste of time), but I always check after I get it back.

I looked at the passport & saw the date. At the time I wasn’t sure what that day’s date was so I stayed pondering over it & waiting for my turn at the metal detectors. Suddenly I hear the guys behind me complaining bitterly about the same thing & turned around to take it up with the guy that stamped it. After they returned successfully, I went back too to get the right date stamped on, which he did without a word of apology (not like I expected one anyway).

Fast forward days later, I return home to Nigeria & ofcourse, immigration again, this time I was in a rush to catch a domestic flight to Port Harcourt so I grabbed my passport back & off to catch my flight. After I got home, I went ahead to inspect my passport to know if the lady stamped on the current page or started a fresh one. It took me minutes to realise there was no stamp on my passport, but before I panicked, I went through my old passport (that so happened to be attached to the new Nigerian e-passport) & find a very faint stamp for my arrival date, all I could see was OCT 2010 *smh*. I cursed & cursed & cursed the immigration woman, & her entire family. How could you possibly stamp on a passport that has been Cancelled Without Prejudice by your office?

What is the meaning of that? If any visa issuing officer decides to go through my passport(s) to marry Seen On Departure dates to their respective Seen On Arrival dates, I wish him or her the best of luck.

There’s a reason why the pages on the passport are numbered, so that things can be done orderly. Haphazard equals chaos, and is not and will never be the way forward for Nigeria.

Hiss

Nigeria@50_Day Eleven_Arise O’Compatriots

2010-10-11T08:55:00.008+01:00

Yesterday on Nigeria@50 Day 10 - Spesh'sWorld

I am the star formerly known as the giant of Africa. Those days are long gone now. Used and abused, my glory has departed. I have survived a great deal of developmental regression. Is a renaissance possible after 5 long decades of deprivation & disease? Isn’t it just nonsensical that I am still battling with the bacterium Vibrio Cholerae?

Age is nothing but a number, they say, but time is the factor that has happened to me & has taken a chance on me. Over the years, a good number of my people have left me in search of greener pastures; not all of them will find it greener but most will settle-in well with the ordinary lushness of foreign lands. I blame them not for I may not have given them hope enough to stay. I only pray I don’t lose the dear ones that are still abiding to the devices of hostage takers and explosives.

I am now of the people by the people & for the people. I am my people. Mine has been quite a difficult life despite my priceless resources. I have been in the messiest relationships, going from one bad to another. My presidents have continually screwed me over, through & through.

I’ve been there, done that & bought the tee shirt which is now stained with oil & with blood. Like an interminable rollercoaster, I relive the days spent. I have fought a war. I have hosted festivals. I have been stripped, raped & beaten. I have borrowed, & then borrowed again. I have been afflicted & impregnated. I have had children. I have had several abortions too, likewise miscarriages. I still had more children & I want to borrow some more. I have been frustrated & deep down in the depths of despair. I should have died but my people have been praying.

Dear God consider our fervent supplication, we pray.

I didn’t do these things to myself; some of you did it to me. Guilty as charged, it’s not up for debate. You know yourselves. My program got structurally adjusted and it became either upper class or economy. My poverty is not only of the mind, it is of the pockets of my people. My poor resilient folk; all they ask for is light. Please let there be light.

My people let us take the bull by the horns. We shall all come out & we shall vote, & our votes must be counted. Our voices must be heard. We can make it work, whether they like it or not.

My past & present leaders should be made to bear the repercussion of their actions. You can’t leave me in abject penury & walk free. There’s no free lunch in Freetown. Once beaten twice shy. I have had enough of the prejudice & the selective judgements. All perpetrators of wickedness must be brought to book. We must live right, & devoid of any more sorrow, tears or blood. I am fed-up of all your cocktail & bullshit tales of bygone years, it is still fresh on our minds. We want equal rights & justice.

Arise o’compatriots. The time is now. Rise up. Save me, save you, save our country.

Long live the Federal Republic of Nigeria.

Tomorrow on Nigeria@50 Day 12 - Flygirl

You Have Only Made It Worse

2010-09-24T10:08:00.002+01:00

This is definitely not mixed feelings; I am very angry and temperamental this morning. Alas I’m not one of those people that can ‘sleep over it’ and wake up delighted in the morning, I am not. I wake up in the middle of the night & it is fresh on my mind.

I can’t stand people poking their noses in my life especially when it is people that I respect (e.g. parents, uncles & aunties). I do not react very well to people judging me wrongly, or assuming they know what you have no fucking idea about.

With my eyes rolled, I will not even pretend to listen to you & your admonishments but I may just be there till you finish, however, believe me, you will get the very opposite result, and whatever you may have been complaining about is just about to get worse. I’m about to give you something to talk about, since you want to drink Panadol for another mans headache, here comes high blood pressure.

Who the fuck do you think you are talking to? Do I look like a kid to you?

How dare you talk about my friends? Do you know them?

Do you want to remodel my means for me? If you don’t fucking like my method & its madness, go & jam electric pole

I am the KING of my life, & no one else, are you my GOD?

How dare you even suggest to me the way you think I should live my life? Na you get my life?

Do you have any idea the kind of person I am?

Sorry guys, but I’m not going into details here for obvious reasons. If you see me today with a puckered brow, just know that it’s not about you, or maybe it may just be about you, or better still, we can make it about you.

I’m not sure I’m even in the mood to try to make myself happy.

Have a nice weekend, I’ll be fine

iReport Myself

2010-09-07T09:23:00.006+01:00

For the past few weeks, I’ve been meaning to put up a post but I have succeeded in failing, and that’s why I’m here to report.

It is no fault of mine, blame RIM (Research In Motion), it’s entirely their fault. I’ve been doing just fine with my ordinary make call, receive call, send text, receive text phones until I went and got me a blackberry.

The blackberry is serving the purpose for which it was procured, & more. The ‘more’ is both negative & positive. However, I am not here to report myself that I now have porn right there in my hand for the viewing pleasures of me & others *SMH*

I had refused to use my bb for more than its originally intended use, because of its seeming anti-social nature until I got invited to this group. I have been on others before, some I was silent, some I wasn’t, and others I lasted a day or two before leaving, but this group has got me hooked.

This group I speak about is actually nothing so fantastic, started out as a joke but has become like a virtual big brother house, & now it has gotten me addicted such that I now take my charger to work because before the end of my lunch break my battery has run out.

Now, besides the joviality and the many great laughs I have on this group, there are some prospects of getting a shag, or 2, but I’m not sure I want to tow that line, just yet. Especially because most of the girls there are just bloody cockteasers & I would rather fuck someone with a brain I can pick, & not some over-zealous third year university student decked with N95,000 lace-wig & looks like Donna Summer (LMAO, bad belle sha) these babes are HOTT sha *wink*

Long thing, a writer always has more conversation than a chatter. Quote me & sue me if you like. I would rather try to shag a blogger instead; now, you didn’t hear that

Ok, enough said, I undertake to give my bloggers more attention than be carried away by the flighty fantasies of a blackberry group.

Wrong Buy!

2010-08-17T09:41:00.007+01:00

I am so pissed, my phone screen has been going blank for a while now, so I refused to slide it shut so it stays on. So you can imagine my N81 staying open even in my pocket because if I slide it shut I might have to restart the phone to get to see anything on the screen.

So I go ahead to seek out a replacement, and followed the advice of my friend and colleague. I buy a Nokia6700, hard metal sleek flat small phone. Now I have owned the phone for a little over 12hours and it is driving me mad. I managed to do a phone switch and got all my contacts and calendar entries transferred.

Now I save contacts by what I can remember people by, e.g. all the people that work in UBA have the letters, UBA after their names, with a space in between, such that all I have to do is type the letters, UBA and all the entries with the letter UBA appear, even names like Ubani.etc. But with this bitch, I have to remember the first names of the individuals and type it. As in, my Contact list is surname first so I have to recall the names I saved it as and, OMG, I do not have the patience for that kind of thing. It is driving me mad here. I am already searching for names.

I’m so upset this morning; I want to sell the phone for N30k, N7k less than I paid for it yesterday evening. I can’t take it back to the person I bought it from because I gave him heat for him to get it, now I don’t want it. Or I might just give the damn phone out.

It is still very brand new; all the waterproof sheets are intact. I’ve got the packet at home, & I’m tempted to go home right now & swap my sim right back in the half dead phone, & sell this nonsense. If I could transfer all my contacts to my blackberry, I might just have only one phone.

Some one here should tell me they want the phone & I’ll DHL it right to you (in Nigeria only) if you promise to pay N35k in my account on receipt of the phone. I’m really unhappy about this purchase.

Food & Drinks Only

2010-08-02T15:51:00.007+01:00

FOOD

Cocktail

Chapman / Sunrise / Piña colada

Finger Foods

Spring Rolls / Sausages / Peppered Goat Meat (Asu) / Mini puff

Native Dishes

Banga / Egusi / Okazi / Opurofulo Soup with Pounded Yam / Eba / Fufu / Starch

Delicacies

Kekefia (Unripe Plantain Porridge) / Nkwobi

Continental

Fried Rice / Jollof Rice / Coconut Rice / Native Rice (Banga) / Vegetable Salad

Accompaniment

Garlic Fish / Peppered Snail / Chicken in Tomato Sauce & Green Pepper / Goat Meat

Dessert

Fruit Salad / Cakes / Ice-cream

DRINKS

Champagne

Moet Rose (Brut Imperial & Nectar) / Vueve Cliquot

Spirits

Remy Martin VSOP / Hennessy VSOP

Wine

Vin rouge / Blanc Vin / Rosé

Beers

Guinness Stout / Star / Gulder / Harp / Heineken

Juice

Citrus / Apple / Pineapple / Mango Juice

Soft

Malt Drinks / Coke / Fanta / Sprite / Redbull / Bottled water

...so far so good, we're talking approximately NGN5,380,000 (USD $36,000)

I Write, You Write, We Write

2010-07-19T12:34:00.002+01:00

I never really gave thought to the reason why I write. Some of you say you do because it is therapeutical so you string a few words, or more, and tell us a story or two, true or not, express your pain or hurt, laughs and joy, deeds and intents, desires and sexcapades. Some of us only rant and wish life was not the way it was.

It may not get better right now but the words given vent to could lighten the writer.

I used to write because it was beautiful to create something out of nothing. More than not likely, it would start with a blank page & then out pours essence from your heart & mind and it turns from letters to words, from words to sentences, from sentences to paragraphs, from paragraphs to chapters, from chapters to books.

And some authors are borne.

It is beautiful, and sounds easy on the ear too, the way the words fall in steady rhythm and charming rhymes. A few lines carrying so much meaning expressed from the heart of the writer to the mind of the reader.

There’s no better meaning to the word poetry.

Words fall out of spaces, into more decipherable characters than hieroglyphics, although not necessarily in English Language. A language so deep, yet so illogical. My honest opinion.

I love the way it doesn’t follow most of the times; as stubborn like a mule.

I am heavy hearted, & I wish my words would cheer me up but I find them not thus my rage. I am bereft of the verbal skill to lay hold of and partake of the healing milk they say writing gives. This amateur writer is blocked.

Domestically Official

2010-07-12T15:45:00.005+01:00

It was a regular Thursday morning at the office, and we had congregated in one office chatting rowdily about nothing in particular, from the lack of electricity in the country to the hawkers on bootlegged porn DVDs on the streets to nonsensically high costs of primary school fees.

The air was alive with everyone anticipating the weekend and the public holiday slated for the following Monday.

We all heard the noise coming from my boss’s office so we went silent in a moment and turned in the direction of the secretariat. She was bawling loudly and talking at the same time and he was trying to pacify her.

I didn’t think a contractor would be in our office this early or would be over-the-top as such so I guessed my boss’s wife had brought their domestic misdemeanours to his office because it was something that she could do.

At this time, Ify, his assistant secretary was heading to us as we looked on towards the source of the commotion.

“Where is Mr.Ebi, his wife is in oga’s office” she said

Ebitari was at his desk relishing his breakfast of fried yam, akara and fried eggs when Tam tells him to report immediately to the manager’s office.

“Ebi, e don happen oh. E be like say you don commit. Your madame dey oga office”

“My wife?” Mr.Ebi asked with surprise

“She’s relaying all your transgressions to the manager” Tam added

“What? This woman is cruising for another bruising” he said smiling but obviously enraged

Then he stormed off towards the secretariat. We all followed.

We pulled the door to shut it as Ebi entered the office but left it slightly open, so we stood around silently trying to listen to the conversation going on inside before my boss’s secretary, Doris, filled us in on what she had heard so far.

Ebitari had beaten his wife and she seemed like she was hit by a runaway train seeing that he was a very physically strong man. Apparently this was not the first time, in the past she had been almost hospitalised after a good pounding from him. All this was news to me, Mr.Ebitari Peters who wore a smile most of the time, was one of the happier people we had in the department. Unlike me, most of the office folk had never seen him express anger, least of violence.

We could hear her talk to her husband insolently in front of the boss when he refused to answer the queries thrown at him, insisting that she should leave the premises and go home. This was before the door got kicked shut to our faces and eavesdropping ears so we moved away to resume our analysis of this brand new suspenseful episode.

I had met Mrs. Peters at a colleague’s child’s birthday bash and she gave off a certain vibe though there was hearsay about her undying belligerence. Now, it was to be confirmed.

I only hoped the boss was not going to fan the flames of by trying to be a judge. I am far from being impressed by his judgement of quarrels between us subordinates least of all a staff’s domestic issue that has not business in our office.

Tam who was Ebi’s closest friend in the department gave us a sneak peek into the private life of Mr.Ebi, telling us how she had been the most insecure, aggressive and disrespectful wife to her husband and how he had borne it for years.

However, she had brought their issues to his manager, knowing that Ebitari held him in high regard.

Besides my feeling for Mrs.Peters as regards what will happen to her at home for attempting to make a public spectacle of her husband, I sincerely refuse to bother with the consequences of this performance; nonetheless, I am concerned with why this issue should be brought to the office.

This is West Africa (Nigeria) and the society thinks and acts indifferently towards domestic violence than if it was Europe or America. Do our work ethics (if any) allow the use of company time and space for the settlement of such domestic issues?

So Much For Holidays - More Reasons Why I Dislike Dubai

2010-07-05T12:30:00.002+01:00

A British DJ was sentenced to four years in prison by a Dubai court this week after tests revealed traces of cannabis in his blood. Sure, it's not exactly legal at home, but FOUR years?!

Of course he's not the first Brit to wind up behind bars or deported because they're not clued up about the strict United Arab Emirates laws.

According to the Foreign Office, 1.1 million Britons visited the UAE last year and 294 of them were arrested or detained by police - making it more likely to happen there than in any other country in the world.

So if getting banged up abroad is on your 'to do' list of life experiences, here are some easy ways to break the law in Dubai...

Do some dirty dancing
Ever thought your dance moves ought to be illegal? Then head to Dubai, where they just very well might be. Unless you're at a licensed club or in the privacy of your hotel room then dancing is considered indecent and provocative and could get you arrested. During Ramadan you won't even find a dancefloor to throw some shapes on risk-free - dancing, loud music and live music are forbidden during the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, so nightclubs usually close and all the bands go on holiday.

Give someone the finger
Back home it's just a bit rude but making insulting gestures in Dubai is regarded as obscene and totally unacceptable – as 56-year-old Brit Simon Andrew discovered in March this year when he was accused of showing an aviation student his middle finger during a row and was arrested. He denies flipping the bird but has had his passport confiscated while awaiting trial. It has been known for offenders to get a 6-month sentence for such an act and some have been deported.

Have sex on the beach
For a surefire way to wind up behind bars, break a couple of laws at once. Because of their strict laws about indecency, public sex is beyond unacceptable and do it with someone you're not married to – a crime that entails prosecution, imprisonment and/or a fine and deportation – and you're firing on all cylinders. Michelle Palmer, 36, of Oakham, Rutland, and Vince Acors, 34, of Bromley, SE London, did just that last year and were banged up for three months before being deported, as well as fined 1,000 dirhams (about £180).

Snog in a restaurant
Don't assume you have to go all the way to infringe on their decency regulations – the law extends to kissing and even holding hands, unless you're married. British marketing executive Ayman Najafi and Charlotte Adams – both in their 20s - were arrested and accused of public indecency after an Emirati woman claimed they exchanged a passionate kiss in a restaurant. They were given a one-month jail sentence for public indecency and illegal drinking, fined 1,000 dirhams, then deported. The pair maintain it was merely a peck on the cheek.

Drink Sex on the Beach
If you thought we were talking about the vodka-based cocktail before, that could work too. Buying drinks in licensed hotels or bars is allowed but drinking – or being drunk – is illegal in public. You'll stand out particularly well in the resort of Sharjah where booze is banned full stop, apart from for residents with a licence to drink at home. It is also an offence in the UAE to drink and drive, no matter how tiny the amount. If you're arrested on alcohol-related offences you'll likely be jailed while you await trial and penalties entail hefty jail sentences and large fines.

Smoke some wacky baccy
Drugs are almost always a law breaker, but Dubai is about as far from Amsterdam as you can get. Possession and consumption is treated very seriously in the UAE and – as the British DJ who had no drugs on him recently discovered – possession includes anything in your system, so even if you have a cheeky joint before you get on the Dubai-bound plane and you could end up falling foul of their regulations, and wind up with their mandatory minimum of four years in jail.

Other laws you should know about
Shopping in shorts could attract attention from the authorities - unless you're on the beach or by the pool, then anything tight, transparent, short or displaying your stomach, shoulders or back if you're a woman, is considered indecent. Same if you're a man in shorts or displaying a bare chest. Photography of certain government buildings is also illegal, as is perusing any form of pornographic material. If all else fails, smuggle in a bacon sandwich – pork is banned – and a poppy seed roll will add to the criminality of the action, as poppy seeds are also on the UAE's forbidden list.

Copied & pasted from http://uk.travel.yahoo.com/p-promo-3312428

Ke Nako

2010-06-30T09:15:00.006+01:00

For the love of this beautiful game, a Sabbath morning, 12 days ago, I woke up in a cold town in north South Africa, p.k.a. J'borg. I was not going to be an absentee at the games that had been brought to my backyard. Let's not tell the story about how my boss almost refused to give me days off. Well, he eventually did after more than enough coaxing. I hopped on a plane & left with my homie Omo.

The FIFA World Cup South Africa 2010™ games were great, despite the more frequently occurring questionable officiating, whether seen in the brand new world class stadiums or at the heavily crowded Fan Fest locations. Durban was not half as cold as Johannesburg had a lot to offer but sadly it was injury time & we had to call it a day.

Don’t you just love football? One of the few opportunities for you to see grown ass men chase after each other for a rubber ball. In this case, called the Jabulani.

And for the unwinding, as we may wish to call it, we hit the streets & found some mad aboriginal house music. The clubs were jumping to & so was Soweto. Now it was a major fan fest, partying with fans from the far away USA and some locals.

As an incredible night crawler, bedtime never happened before 4am. Uncle Jack was a good friend, just a little coke & no ice. Even the radio stations made it worth my while. The DJs were hot. It was quite a listening experience that was second to none for the moment.

After a very long time, it gave me mad thrills to sing the Nigerian national anthem alas, I am still perplexed what Yakubu Aiyegbeni was doing on the Super Eagles line up in the first place.

Well, despite all would be disappointments, new friends were made, some will be kept, others will be lost, intentionally or not, some unfinished businesses will be completed and others will be terminated. It was time & money well spent

Come FIFA World Cup Brazil 2014™

LONG LIVE THE SUPER EAGLES

LONG LIVE THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

Melancholic Blues ;-(

2010-06-03T09:41:00.006+01:00

It's been a while since I felt my usual exuberance.

I do not know the cause of this but I know that I am not happy.

This man is bereft of all enthusiasm, happy high spirits & vitality

I have not been on cloud nine in a very long time.

Happiness is a choice, so even when I decide to do something that elates me, it is ephemeral.

There are a few things that are weighing on me & eating me up slowly.

Some I can lay a finger (or fingers) on.

Some I am not even allowed to think.

Home, work and everything in between.

I can’t give any details right now.

Pardon me everyone; I had said I would stop my tirades on blogsville.

I hope you all are in good health.

Have a nice time & stay in your high spirits.

About Me

2010-05-27T12:52:00.005+01:00

I am not going to rant on this post, seeing that it is something Baroque is now known for. Talking about knowing me, allow me to tell you about me in ways that many of you may have already figured.

So here goes...

* I can get very angry very easily, so I say so before it gets there. For this reason I joke a whole lot & can go out of my way to do whatever makes me happy. Good or bad.

* I don’t like being badgered. It is harassment.

* I hate obstinate people.

* I am finicky, some people say I have OCD, but I’m not too choosy, & I can be quite easy going.

* I am a very impatient man but I’m not too hasty or anxious to do stuff. I get edgy and irritated if made to wait longer than planned or unplanned.

* Which brings me to being the king pf procrastination. Nothing I am proud of, although I have my pride intact as a man but I’m not arrogant or swollen with pride either.

* I am self conscious, a bit too much. But sometimes I may not care.

* I can be spontaneous but I like to plan before travel. If I am involved in it, don’t change the plans in the middle & think that I will go along.

* I detest people going through my belongings. I can end a relationship if I catch you going through my stuff.

* I find myself quite lecherous and will almost always perverse any statements or misstatements just for the fun of it. I hope it doesn't offend you.

* I can tell it how it is, with a sense of humour, or not; many people think I’m cool & that I make them laugh. Maybe they’re wrong. I hope not.

* I have a morbid fear of being stabbed or worse still tortured to death.

* I don’t make promises, but I can hardly ever go back on my resolve. I am vindictive. I may forgive but I won’t forget.

* I’m a bad man; I’ve got sex on my mind 25hours a day. Almost everything is f***kable. My mind is my worst enemy. I don’t have harmless crushes.

* I am afraid of heights and enclosed spaces.

* The thought of breaking a hymen scares me shitless. I am scared of virgins. I have never tried one and hopefully never will.

* I am the first person to not care about what doesn’t concern me. The phrase that says, don’t let your forgetfulness constitute an emergency on my path, was said because of me.

* I like to hear what people think about me just don’t judge me if not I’ll spit pepper in your eyes.

A Rant For March

2010-03-31T17:08:00.004+01:00

I've got nothing to say here; just decided to drop one before April...

I've been having a horrible time at work...maybe they should retitle my job description to The Ultimate Finisher...I am the one who has been saddled with vetting & giving go ahead to my boss for jobs some of my inefficient colleagues started, its frustrating me...so they come to explain to me like I should overlook their excesses...see me see motorcycle oh, na Baroque now dey put sand sand in their garri

*shakes head*

In the spirit of saving costs, I think I would spend far less time & less on petrol if I had a cash machine at my house...I cannot recount the number of times I visited the ATM machine, its high time they consider fitting one on my wall...

I met someone & after a few hours she described me as cool; I believe her, especially because I did nothing to gain the title...I think she's cool too

...over the past month, I have spent a minimum of 30minutes in the loo right after I get back from; this is one of those moments...

*pheeeeew*

The taxi drivers in Port Harcourt (& bus drivers too) should all be lined up & shot...I can't explain that bit further...they are the worst nuisances ever, its unbelieveable...Today, they say, ends the reign of Keke NAPEP in Port Harcourt...Praise be to Almighty God

I used to be afraid of horses because I didn't like the way they looked at me...now, no matter how strong they may be, I don't agree to them being whipped for nothing (yes, you, you know yourself)...Poor creatures...they should be left alone to grow their manes & eat green grass

*laughs*

My back is hurting here, from yesterday's workout
So I leave y'all now & run along

*inhales deeply*

Have yourselves a graceful Easter weekend

Jesus is Risen
Peace out

A – Z from me, thanks to YOU

2010-02-25T17:02:00.004+01:00

Many many thanks to all those that took the time out to drop their ONE WORDS, especially the bloggers that have actually stopped blogging, e.g. Jaja, Hengish.etc…I deeply appreciate the gesture…so here goes

Apodysophilia, *singing* “It’s getting hot in here…”

Beaches; Political correct spelling for female canines

Corny = Copy & Paste

Destiny; If there really is, then why do we even bother?

Exciting = This Aso Rock drama

Fabulous; Definitely not Beyonce *hisses*

Gator boots really go with Gucci suits, pimped out or not

Horny, and sadly I can’t blame it on the alcohol

Insecure; thus the lock code on my phones

Joker; Hajiya Turai Yar’Adua

Kissed, hope not by Katy Perry

Loner; you bloody hermit

Morbid; Alhaji Umaru Musa Yar’Adua

Nobody at the helm of affairs of the Federal Republic of Nigeria

Opportunist, No time wasters

Philistine; Big for nothing! It took only one pebble & a slingshot *hisses*

Quantum; Back that thing up to me anytime

Resilience; The virtue of Nigerians

Soliloquy; Me, myself & I, we speak in monologues

Timid; Goodluck Jonathan’s seeming demeanour

Universe, simply out of this world

Venire; Inapplicable to our judiciary

Waka-waka, …but I can only be at one place at a time

Xenophobia; God save us, come FIFA2010 WorldCup

Yes, Unlike No, no dey tear shirt

Zeal; Such outlandish enthusiastic diligence

Another A - Z for you

2010-02-24T11:08:00.004+01:00

This time again, I need twenty six (26) of YOU, to say ONE WORD each, starting from the letter A & going in ALPHABETICAL ORDER, with words that you may want as sub-themes. It is one word per alphabet PLEASE. Say no more after your ONE WORD & I mean NOMORE.

It may be any word, WHATEVER COMES TO MIND (simple or compound words) and I will reply your EVERYWORDS, perhaps referring to me.

The only rules that apply are that the comments must be in alphabetical order, the FIRST ONE being a word that begins with the letter ‘A’, such that the 8th comment is a word that begins with the letter ‘H’ & the 17^th, ‘Q’. People, you know what I mean.

Hoping I can get up to twenty-six (26) comments, I would rather ONE WORD/COMMENT per person. In cases of MISTAKES, NON-COMPLIANCE or REPETITIONS, the less preferred one would be DELETED, possibly giving the 'COMMENTOR' another spot.

All rights to DISALLOW comments are reserved.

Fevrier XIV

2010-02-16T15:27:00.004+01:00

The original thought was that there was something anonymous about the exchange of gifts on the fourteenth of February. I have always had absurd experiences on that particular day in the past thus I stopped ‘celebrating’ it. I no longer fancy the legendary lovers’ day. Unpredictably, I got a perfume from the SO, and I reciprocated not.

I spent practically the entire day indoors behind my television, with several glasses of some designer drinks. The evening found me at a classy hotel restaurant settling for something not worth the price, after scrolling the flimsy menu aimlessly for twenty minutes. Just for the joy of it, I thought of not going back home that night, alas Monday morning was looming.

It was remarkable that the entire streets were crawling with people in pairs looking for a corner to get their love groove on. It became apparent to me that a lot more people than I had ever imagined had a stronger sense of the valentine revelry. It was an astonishing carnival out there.

Nevertheless, I still assert that love is overrated and tops the chart as the most misunderstood word in the English language. May we someday, find the balance and keep our heads on our heads.

Happy postponed Valentine to all the beautiful minds on blogsville… (To the women only)

Job 3:1-26 (RSV)

2010-01-28T09:30:00.007+01:00

After this Job opened his mouth and cursed the day of his birth.

And Job said:

"Let the day perish wherein I was born, and the night which said, 'A man-child is conceived.'

Let that day be darkness! May God above not seek it, nor light shine upon it.

Let gloom and deep darkness claim it. Let clouds dwell upon it; let the blackness of the day terrify it.

That night--let thick darkness seize it! let it not rejoice among the days of the year, let it not come into the number of the months.

Yea, let that night be barren; let no joyful cry be heard in it.

Let those curse it who curse the day, who are skilled to rouse up Leviathan.

Let the stars of its dawn be dark; let it hope for light, but have none, nor see the eyelids of the morning;

Because it did not shut the doors of my mother's womb, nor hide trouble from my eyes.

"Why did I not die at birth, come forth from the womb and expire?

Why did the knees receive me? Or why the breasts, that I should suck?

For then I should have lain down and been quiet; I should have slept; then I should have been at rest:

With kings and counselors of the earth who rebuilt ruins for themselves;

Or with princes who had gold, who filled their houses with silver;

Or why was I not as a hidden untimely birth, as infants that never see the light?

There the wicked cease from troubling, and there the weary are at rest.

There the prisoners are at ease together; they hear not the voice of the taskmaster.

The small and the great are there, and the slave is free from his master.

"Why is light given to him that is in misery, and life to the bitter in soul;

who long for death, but it comes not, and dig for it more than for hid treasures;

who rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they find the grave?

Why is light given to a man whose way is hid, whom God has hedged in? Rejoice exceedingly, and are glad, when they find the grave?

For my sighing comes as my bread, and my groanings are poured out like water

For the thing that I fear comes upon me, and what I dread befalls me.

I am not at ease, nor am I quiet; I have no rest; but trouble comes."

So Far So Good

2009-12-30T14:45:00.006+01:00

Nothing like a Nollywood runaway success, this one seems like it’s going to have a very non anticlimactic ending. The year 2009 I speak about, however I can only speak for myself. There were quite a lot of achievements to make up for the under achievements. The makeup and breakups, the additions and subtractions, the deaths and lives, the divisions and multiplications, the omissions and commissions, the ups and downs, the bliss and the fury, the commitments and indifference, the adventures and misadventures.etc

I have been far from good and have learnt more about the man that I am, I make no boast yet I say I was there and did that. I might not be feeling on top of the world presently or be in the best of moods but I am heartily thankful to Almighty God for all his goodness and faithfulness towards me. To say the least, He’s simply awesome.

The past few days has had me winding down on a very low key. No black market petrol , no generator hullaballoo, no mad PH drivers blaring horns, no stale air, no touts enforcing non-existent traffic laws or trying to jump drivers in the middle of traffic.

For almost a week, I have been in the place where my ancestors found their roots, literally chilling under blankets, browsing the internet or watching movies, and being catered to hopelessly by the women in my life. I am savouring this period of not having to spend money daily just to get by. You should expect nothing less when a little over an hour away from the so-called Garden City of Port Harcourt lies my humble hometown with almost 24hour uninterrupted power supply with almost no traffic and such city madness, all year round.

One other interesting note is how I can live under the same roof with my father and avoid him like we were married to the same husband. He sure knows how to get under my skin, so it’s best this way.

This post was intended to relay to you my rest in the past few days and thanksgiving to God Almighty for giving me the opportunity to reflect and understand his kindness to me amidst all. I wish you all a very swell ending to 2009 and a very happy and prosperous brand new 2010, even as your souls propereth.

Your 2cents For My 92million

2009-12-04T16:18:00.003+01:00

Take note, the question doesn’t say ‘what would you LIKE TO do”

With or without much ado, what are the first 5 things you would do if you won GBP92m as in, Ninety-Two Million Pounds (£92,000,000)?

The thought makes we wanna just cum so feel free to clog my blog with your myriad of confusion too.

Will you fight the urge to slap your boss or his secretary?

Will you let the road rage hit the roof & ram into that bastard parked in the centre of the road?

Will you take off all your clothes & run outside?

Will you finally throw that party just to find out what Ace of Spades tastes like?

Would you give 10% in tithe to your local church?

Road Rage

2009-11-16T16:00:00.006+01:00

The way people drive in this country Nigeria is driving me mad. Why on earth cant you make that turn without driving through my own lane, are you out of your mind? When I drive straight up to your bumper, you proceed to insult me wondering if I didn’t see you. "What nonsense, drive on your own lane you bastard”.

Taxi and bus drivers should all be arrested and shot in the head. We can do better without their nuisance. There’s no reason on earth these bus drivers have to wait for you to pass in front of them. “For Pete sakes the line ahead of you is not moving so why have you blocked the damn road?” As for the taxi drivers that stop right on the road whenever they feel like, should have their throats slit right there on their drivers seats. ”Bloody native goats”.

Who issued these people licenses? More like, where did these people buy their licenses? The sign simply says Reverse Parking Only, yet you do the exact opposite and park right before the sign. Are you from Hades or you simple can’t read? The idea is so that when you are leaving you do not back up into the road. Was that too hard to figure?

It is rush hour and we are all trying to get to work early. This woman drives unto the main road like her father built it and conveniently drives at 20km/h ahead of us all. We must really be that bored to have left our houses without destinations. After blaring horns like we were driving cattle we finally overtake to see the bloody ignoramus doing her make up and driving at the same time, assuming she was not on the phone at the same time.

Men and women that we would have readily called normal human beings, have their seat belts strapped on but have their kids standing on the front seat or playing at the back, up there by the rear speaker. All merry and very unstrapped. I may love children but if the death of one or two in their parents cars would teach us that lesson, the so be it.

There is no day I get behind the steering that I don’t curse vehemently. It is driving me nuts seeing this rubbish in different forms every damn day. I maintain that we’re not having our fair share of road mishaps; it will bring me great joy if people learned these lessons, preferably, the hard way.

Causes & Effects

2009-10-21T11:51:00.008+01:00

In an attempt to work myself out some muscles, the 2 hours intensive cardio & weight training session has rendered me a pack of aching muscular bundles still covered with layers of fat.

The spread duvet on the ground which I slept on all night made me feel like a mass of flesh that had rapidly rolled down the sides of the Mambilla Plateau.

I know that in a little while, it will all go away but for now, if this is the punishment I must serve for being away from the gym in 2months, then so be it.

I must loose some weight and regain some sexiness.

For all its worth, I have to brave it and face this mission and its assumed masculinity with all I’ve got.

Please Note: This is for lack of a better post.

H O M E C O M I N G H A R A N G U E

2009-09-17T09:29:00.002+01:00

It didn’t work when I tried to wriggle out of my being. I am in TOO DEEP.
I confined myself within to SHUT THE WORLD out, all to no avail
The time I spent in the west was well spent vigour, and MONEY too
Once again, the orderliness as consistent as always, spoke volumes
She made manifest, the yawning gap between them, and our alleged DEVELOPING one
The development that seems to take five steps backwards for every two AND A HALF forward
My eyes burn, my head aches, my skin crawls, my toes squirm and MY FIST tightens
Every so often I curse out loudly at MYSELF, for it has reverberated on my wound up windows
If only my Canon Digital SLR was an AA-12 combat shotgun, I would point and KILL
The success a REBRANDED state might be hinged on the DEMISE of most of you
Your leaders are more concerned about HOW YOU DRESS than your getting an EDUCATION
I am ENCOURAGED to seek solace in my remuneration for I am bereft of job satisfaction
I’m turning in my military hardware for AMNESTY is nigh and TIME is of the essence
It is only we who can fight for us so pray allow me to CRY my own CRY

Blogsville Today

2009-07-22T10:07:00.005+01:00

I've been a blogger for just a little above 2 years. There were some bloggers that made blogsville worth the while for me a newcomer. Some of them are still around, others are gone, it's for them to say if for good.

Others have rebranded missions and intents because certain elements have infected & poisoned them with insults, unswerving and insinuated. Did I even hear that some that met here have gotten married, or were they already a thing before they started blogging?

Interesting.

If I said I was leaving blogsville, for good, i know not, would any of you ask me not to? And why?

Right now, I am not sure if I’m feeling this space anymore...

Last Weekend

2009-07-17T17:48:00.004+01:00

Friday Night;
Long Drives & Bumpy Wet Roads
More Bad Road & Rivers To Cross
Free Parking & News Café
Loud Music & Uncool Backup
Expensive Alcohol & Some Laughs

Early Saturday Morning;
Airport Runs & Distant Car Parks
Cash Points & Travelex Disappointment
Local Forex Abokis & Mysterious N5k Loss

Rain & More Rain

Saturday Afternoon;
Deep Sleep & Its 1600hrs
Awakened To Mad Starvation
Hook Ups & The Sumptuous Eba & Edika Ikong
Guinness & Smokes

Saturday Night;
Long Bridge Drives & More Rain
Radio Station Tour, Classic & New
Good Chatter & Mad Laughs
Mohito with No Ice & Lovely Lagoon View
Bridges Crossed To Deep Slumber

Sunday Morning;
Early Morning Drives & Drop Off Zones

Warm Duvet & Slumber Part II
Midday Flight & Early Check In

PH, The Garden City
My Home Sweet Home

Now, What Does This Weekend Hold?
Yesterday Would Have Been Mad Fun
But It Didn’t Happen
If Tomorrow Comes
Let Her Speak For Herself

I Hope This Weekend Is Better Then The Last One
However, Let It Be Golden For You All

Have You Ever...?

2009-07-14T11:45:00.006+01:00

Stolen Anything: Of Course I Have, & I Was Good At It
Been Drunk Before Noon: High, Yes, But Not Drunk
Had Sex In A Public Place: Twice Same Night!
Got Caught Telling A Lie: Who Hasn’t?
Been Arrested: Got To The Station & Managed To Talk My Way Out Of It
Littered: Well, Before the Idiagbon Era
Fantasized About A Co-Worker: & The Fact She Was Married Didn't Help Matters
Cheated On A Test: It Depends On What You Want To Do With The Result
Cheated In A Relationship: Do You Really Want Me To Answer That?
Failed A Class: Never. Come To Think Of It, I Was Almost Always Top 5
Screened Your Phone Calls: It Was the Last Resort
Eaten Food Off The Floor: Still Do, If Biscuits Count
Stuck Gum Under A Desk: Are You Mad? Who Hasn’t
Wished You Were Someone Else: I’m Thinking, ...Michael Jackson?
Cried During A Movie: Getting Teary Eyed Is Not Quite Crying, Is It?
Had A One Night Stand: What Do You Take Me For, A Saint?
Had To Pull Over On The Side Of The Road To Puke?: No, Not At All. It Never Gets That Bad
Had Your Heart Broken?: ...& I Still Don’t Know What I Did To Her
Had A Good Feeling About Something?: Common, I’m Not That Pessimistic
Had A Near Death Experience: Yup, I Think I Have Died Once.
Swam In Freezing Water: Not Had The Luxury Of Scuba Diving At Meteorite Bay
Jumped Off A House: abi Horse? Anyway 2years Ago, For the Heck Of It, I Jumped From My 1st Floor Balcony & Bruised My Ankles
Been Attacked?: At Least, Once...My Assailant(s) Didn't Like What He/They Got
Bungee Jumped: The Price Is Yet To Be Right
White Water Rafted: Like I Know What That Means
Pulled An All Nighter?: What a Question...*hiss*
Surfed: I'm Not Even Interested
Lied About Your Age: Well, She Might Not Have Fallen If She Knew She Was 6years Older?
Broken A Bone?: NEVER & Never Will, In Jesus Name

Futile Wrangle by LVMH & Jimmy Choo

2009-07-01T16:53:00.003+01:00

“Women!” we all chorused in the middle of his story

He continued
After he had introduced and explained himself to the attendant, she brandishes a pair of silver coloured shoes then he enquired to confirm what the price was
“Sir, its sixty-five thousand naira” the attendant replied
I don’t know what his reaction was but it definitely was one of surprise because he picked up his phone and called his fiancée, she confirmed it was sixty-five thousand naira and said thank you before he consented to anything.

“Sixty-five thousand naira ke? Is that meant to be chicken change, then how much was the dress going to cost?”
“Why you dey talk like that?” he started to ask me, “You mean you no get shoe wey reach 60k?”
“My broda, no vex, I no get” I replied

“Ah ah, I have shoes that cost more than that oh” another friend added hilariously

“Wait oh, so you mean say as you dey like this, you no get shoe wey reach 60k?” He interrogated me further
“As I dey like how? That one na achievement?”
“Wetin you dey carry all your money do?” he said
“Definitely not buy shoes that cost 60k”
“Ol boy take your money buy quality things, no dey mise1”
“Quality fire, see eh, there’s nowhere you’ll wear your 1million naira shoe to that I won’t wear my regular priced shoes to”
“How many shoes you get sef?” he continued
“This boy, are you alright?” I asked him, “Like it’s of any importance, I’ve got more shoes than I can wear at the moment” I concluded
“Come to my house and let me show you a room filled with shoes only, some I never even wear” he boasted arrogantly
“Crap, I don see shoes wey you dey wear; your taste no follow. Guy, you still wear Timberland boots to work, common, what are we talking about?” I added
“You know how much I buy the Timbs?” he questioned, “You say I have no taste, you think say na that suit you wear come Mark wedding on Saturday?”

I thought to myself with this irate sensation gradually creeping over me, my friend was going down the road of being quite petty and I was not going to let him get me cheap.

“Gosh, you’re so unbelievable, ok na, lets get down to it, yes, my suit might not have been the best at the wedding but it sure was a perfect fit, but make we talk about the one you wear, considering the size, did you buy it for half a million naira?” I quizzed in utmost mockery.
“See this guy oh, I bought that suit two weeks ago in Italy for over five hundred Euros” he said pompously
“You had the opportunity to do the shopping yourself and all you could get was papa-dash-me? Ol boy, you yab, maybe if it was your size, it would have cost far less, ever heard of the word bespoke?” I said laughing
“Call am anything you like, but no wear that your rubbish suit again” he advised
“I gree, maybe your suit was a million Euros but take it from me, it didn’t look good on you. You looked like one OMATA guy, the fucking suit was oversized, mister. You were lost in it”

Luckily, someone interrupted, saying something about us being immature, (which honestly I agree). Moreover it seemed like it was going to be an endless spat and might likely get out of hand. We changed topics for the love of the game and proceeded to glug down the rest of the Hennessey that lay in wait unwearyingly.

The night ended on a merry note after the ship from the port had offloaded its consignment into our hands.

Is It A No Win Situation?

2009-06-23T16:04:00.004+01:00

This issue is currently facing my family unit and I, it has been like a torn in my flesh for ages now. There was a time I thought I had it resolved but alas it is here again. Is this how we shall continue to live? I am on the verge of doing something drastic, but the last time I did, I lived to regret it, although I confess I had fun doing it.

I am having a hard time combing my bush and yet you say you want to grow one. Every other morning in the bathroom despite the rush hour, I take out time to apply head & shoulders shampoo and wonder why I never remember to buy a detangler. The other day, I had a comb with me and I combed out the afro looming beneath. Dried it, I combed it again and it looked, felt and smelt nice.

Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the routine so I have thus abandoned it to breed on its own without guidance. Now it is locked in a much untended manner. In my spare time, I use my fingers to untangle it and it more than necessary, turns out to be quite unpleasant leading to the introduction of the second hand for freedom. The twists and turns, stings and bites I suffer when I force them to unlock from the finely formed bond they have created with each other is something to write home about (as I have just done).

Sometime in the past while I was serving my nation, I proceeded on a certain action I call drastic and applied shaving powder, magic hair remover.

In a few minutes, I was clean like a baby, groin, sides, crotch and entire under all-encompassing. About a week later, it came to pass that I could barely walk; it felt like I had been attacked by a million and one termites, this specie of termites was called stubble.

Let your imagination go there. I couldn’t quite take a walk without having to stop and adjust my sac of jewels and rod of life, and then readjust again and again. It was an almost hopeless situation but for dusting powder, and the fact that my roommate was suffering a similar predicament.

Now, the dilemma is to shave or to trim, I am armed with a pair of scissors and clippers, but I have found not the time or space to execute the rescue mission. In a few days I will however, take this bull by the horns.

On the side, I wouldn’t terribly mind, a willing female stylist to engage me in a private shaving exercise, with of course a happy ending. Feel free to suggest, volunteer or nominate, or kuku apply in person.

Sometime Ago...

2009-06-22T10:41:00.007+01:00

I didn’t read a book; I wasn’t writing one either
I slept in hotels; 5 star and no star inclusive
I flew in airplanes too frequently; some for no reason
There were countless paparazzis; I felt like Daniel Craig
It was scorching hot; I sweated like a Sallah ram
Planning was mismanaged; I was disenchanted
She had long smooth brown legs; Her number should be 36
I lay down on the floor and I got teary eyes
I read my comments with no time to reply
I made, moved and cancelled bookings
The blue monochrome was not a terrible outfit
I borrowed money and I wish I did not have to
I drove a 2009 model and wished it was mine
I had endless airtime & held my phone tightly
My moment of celibacy was not by choice
I felt it all, the joy and the pain
I am here now and I have mixed feelings

This Is Not A Rant

2009-06-05T01:54:00.006+01:00

This is not a rant; I have said this before now

I would like to hear an audible reply when I speak to you

I would rather not repeat myself over & over

Mumbles and animal-like grunts won’t do

Once said is enough if you are wise

This is not a rant; don’t say you were not warned

I ask a question and you draw a blank

I can’t remember us having a fight

So I enquire if I was in soliloquy

Beware, no one plays that game better than me

This is not a rant, nor is it me being wild or impassionate

Absentmindedness is not a state of mind; it is a state of no mind

If you can get lost in your thoughts, so can I

Even children call out salutations, & you are not a newborn

I will not say this a third time, I will soon tit you for your tat

This is not a rant; and should not be seen as one

I detest it when you act like you are been cheated

We are two variables & this is not an equation

You will learn to do it yourself or pay the price

Forget your tears; it won’t help you this time

This is not a rant; I will not say it again

Lazy Meme

2009-05-21T10:14:00.004+01:00

What is your name: Baroque (I bet you knew that already)
A four Letter Word: boob
A boy's Name: Bassey
A girl's Name: Boma
An occupation: Brick-layer
A colour: Black
Something you'll wear: Briefs
A food: Babeena (children love babeena, olden days NTA)
Something found in the bathroom: Bare nyash
A place: Backyard
A reason for being late: Bathing for too long
Something you'd shout: Bastardo!!! (esp @ senseless PH drivers)
A movie title: Blue Velvet
Something you drink: Breast Milk (at least I tasted it in recent times)
A musical group: Boys II Men
An animal: Bingo
A street name: Bourdillon, Ikoyi (I must buy a house on that street, God knows.LOL)
A type of car: Bentley (I must park it in my Bourdillon house)
The title of a song: Big Girls by MIKA

I AM BACK!!!

One Thing or the Other

2009-04-06T11:50:00.006+01:00

Weekend & More
Tarmac sprint & Coco’ed Luggage

Turbulence & Potholes
Lasgidi & Things

Airports & Forty-Fours
Cabs & ‘Shako for Mummy’

Plans & Cancellations
30% Alcohol & Menthol Lights

Magazines & Sleepovers
T-Shirts & Upcoming Designers

Air-Conditioning & Standing Fans
Handkerchiefs & Duvets

Traffic & PHCN
iPhones & Portraiture

Feet & Bikes
Bow Ties & Fuchsia

Laughter & some Tears
MUSON Centre & Car parks

More Pictures & Paparazzi
Some High Spirits & Small Chops

Perspectives & Depth of Fields
Late Night Noodles & Fried Yam

Jokes Much & Banana Island
Exquisite & Exotic

Aircrafts & Cars
Atlantic & Nigeria

PHCity & Egusi Soup
Monday & Gloomy

I Had A Horrible Night...

2009-03-30T10:57:00.003+01:00

I had a horrible night yesterday. I got back quite fatigued from our local football club supporters meet (plus isiewu & Guinness) and refused to come down from my car. Got off a seemingly long phone call and rearranged into a more convenient sleeping position on the reclined passenger’s seat. Woke up by 1:27am in a cold with all my windows foggy and proceeded upstairs.

I was thirsty and had earlier drunk up the last bottle of water. Deciding it was healthy enough I opened and helped myself to some tap water and went straight to bed, giving in to the peace of my immediate environment, that it was already too late to turn on my very noisy generator.

It has been over seven nights since I saw NEPA light last in my house and the problem is not with our transformer. It apparently is some kind of communicable electrical fault from nearby transformers. After carrying out these pre-slumber activities in the penumbra, with some light from my phone, I lay on the duvet I had spread on the rugged floor and dozed off almost immediately.

I woke up and realised that I had been tossing and turning all night. The air was just too still for me to abide. I was in great discomfort. I tried unusual positions and all proved futile. The only consolation was that I didn’t wake up in a pool of sweat.

God was faithful enough and I made it to the morning alive. Seeing that daylight was already nigh, I dragged myself off the floor and stretched my back, then proceeded to perform my morning rituals unhurriedly, but this time with my personally provided power generating set on full blast.

I got to work 45 minutes late, 15minutes after the daily attendance register closed. I am not in the mood for work today (well, not like I ever am). I had a very angry weekend, thanks to my folks; they got me terribly upset Saturday night and I walked out on them and drove home. And opportunely ended the Saturday the night with some good energetic dozes of the Vitamin S from a 'social contact'.

I am getting very sleepy here but I will not fail to say mighty mighty thanks to all those that voted for me. Princesa and Afrobabe beat me to the Hot & Sexy and the Most Stalked Blog categories (well, not like I was any match for them), but my voters for the Fire in my pants category are the real winners here, however, I did not get a gold plaque thus no pendants or bracelets for anyone.

But you can all have caviar and champagne at the NBA winner’s after-award-bash this weekend; see you at the ‘villa’.

Exit Grammyz Enter Oscarz

2009-03-22T08:59:00.007+01:00

As trivial as this may seem, the naija bloggers awards have gone & done it, Baroque was nominated for three (3) awards…guys, I thought you could do better…(just kidding)…LOL…I am so excited, that I can’t stop blushing (it’s not that bad abeg, hahaha)…it is just thrilling that I am acknowledged by the congress on matters that I did not quite work towards…anyway, if I get the golden plaque, I will smelt it and make pendants & bracelets for all my voters…LMFAO...nevertheless though, I say a big thank you to all of you, especially that initiators of the NBA 2009…not just Toluwa, the smiling scorpion’s Sting & the faceless NaijaGirl…3 gbozaz (one per person) to y’all.

I was going to do a post on the wrongs done to our dear English language...I just didn’t want to over flog the dead horses on radio, I’d rather rub Planta on my Oxford sweetened cabin biscuit & drink Lipton yellow label tea.

Fellow Nigerians (nothing aggressively patriotic or slightly xenophobic meant)…if you have about 25minutes, watch this video; http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=obasanjo+hard+talk&emb=0&aq=f#

What Could She Want?

2009-03-14T12:54:00.006+01:00

People, this time, I am running. She is stalking me. What she's looking to buy, I'm not looking to sell, & I dont want to fuck her.

My phone has been buzzing from endless text messages. She's telling me about how she's been feeling since the first day she saw me at the joint. She has only just grduated from Uni & helps with orders at the beer parlour offering local delicacies owned by her mother.

From the moment she got my number, she has been texting me on the daily about some feelings she's been having, & her wanting to be appreciated, & why I was not texting back, & how everyone's not appreciating her, & how she wants to be loved back, & why I am so mean, & how she calls me & I refuse to answer, & how she's sorry for talking to me like that & getting me upset, & how she will leave me alone, & how she wants to be a friend, & how she's broke, & how she doesn't want to be a pest, & how sex is not so important, & how you count 1 before 2...& so on, & so forth

She doesn't live very far away, & I know that the moment she enters my house, I might have to move out. If ever, she will have to be fucked at a motel. Amidst all of this, I have been silent. I decided on the 3rd text message from her that I did not want to fuck her anymore. She puts the x in drama, & the pain in my neck.

"I woke up this mornin discovrin dat u re an Igbo man n Yoruba land. Ibo men like to mk women feel tht they can survve w/out them but I was made2understnd tht a Yoruba man takes care of any woman he meets witout havn a relationshp with her. you seem very unusual, ve u ever been dictched tht u're so hard and nothin can touch you. I really wnt2knw why you act the way u do. pls reply, I need2 understand u. thanks"

What the fuck is that? Who the blazes sends this kind of text message? This is one out of a thousand...."You need to understand me? You must be having a laugh!" was the message I almost sent back, but I chose my ultimate weapon, SILENCE!

I am abit too stressed right now to abide her tantrums so I decide to speak & tell her, she was too young for me, I was not what she wanted, & how sorry I am that I cannot fulfil her friendship requirement. What I am, that inconsistent customer is what I wish to remain.

Overgrown Bia-Bia & Other Tales

2009-03-02T15:59:00.005+01:00

It’s been a while and I’ve not been able to coordinate myself to write a post.

A few things have been hovering and I’ve been pondering. I’ve been feeling very drowsy a lot lately, and that includes this moment. I wonder why. It feels like I have just popped some mild prescription sedatives once I have had lunch. This is madness, I think I am pregnant.

I am getting sicker and most tired of this city Port Harcourt and want out, by any means possible, as it were. Is I too much to ask to have cinemas here? Infact, lets not go there. Abuja here I come.

In the past few weeks no doubt I have met some new people and had interesting times. I read a book and sojourned to a far away country, even before my boss permitted, I was gone.

I haven’t gotten over the beauty of my friends house, where she lives with her husband, one of them is into exteriors and décor. What they have is a home. I'm getting mine soon.

I would love to drive a new car but can’t quite spend that money at the moment. I have to move out of my house to where I will no longer share parking space. I have a home design in process; still thinking if I should include a pool. Got a bit of space. Any thoughtz?

I have lusted badly after someone I barely know. I thought those days were gone. It’s been not very easy being celibate, well not like I really am. I shagged an old flame without protection during the week. & it was good, sue me.

I want to go to the gym today. I think I have gotten out of shape. I was breathing very hard after jumping a few flights of staircase, maybe it was the cold. Anyway, thanks to that cold, my heat rashes are gone.

My fridge is empty. I have once again, and again, postponed my trip to the shops. If only there was an Tesco or ASDA or Lidl near my house, alas I have to swin traffic to get to Everyday Emporium, forget Park n Shop, they don’t have proper toothpaste or soap there.

I slept at about 2:30am last night, because I had taken a nap earlier. I was so horny I couldn’t resist the urge to do porn. Sadly, it made it worse. (of course I knew that was going to happen)

So much money have I been spending lately on call cards. Its like I run a pay as you go call centre.

I think I am loosing it. This pressure is too much. The pain in my left thumb has not subsided even after four weeks. I sprained it doing on sharp driving move like that, fuck that Aba bus driver.

Did I mention, I might be writing soon for a magazine, but I think they want me to do free work. I no go gree. God will vindicate them. LOL

I think I need a pedicure but I’m not yet ready to loose the this four week old beard yet.

Meanwhile, did you hear about Badderchic and Baroque? (Her last 4 posts) Don’t believe everything you read.

Older Woman, Younger Man - Part III

2009-02-07T00:24:00.010+01:00

How perfect can the world be when it champions the union of the sexes in reverse proportions? The man in his pre prime days craves the oils of a fully developed woman’s body and she yearns for his adventurous and yet uncourageous mind. Snake in the Tyger shadow.

I had always been one of the endearingly prettier boys in my days and was thus not a stranger to those compliments and passes from interested parties of both genders. I had always had it for the adult woman, and it was a relentless drive.

This was the second week of induction and like a serial killer I was having visions of her. I had seen her glide past before the lift doors shut, her stiletto gracefully emphasised her full long legs as they disappeared underneath the pleats of her skirt. I can still remember Mariana’s voice when she cried out in tongues as she climaxed shuddering under my rapidly thrusting motion.

She had caught my eyes once in the cafeteria that afternoon, Fatima and Lillian my new colleagues were oblivious of the visual transactions going on. I wondered if she had the faintest idea of what was in my head. She turned at the moment I decided to pay attention to my immediate surroundings and started in our direction and to my shock, asked to join our table.

We introduced ourselves and confirmed our settling well in the system and that our individual projects were doing just fine, even as we were only getting used to our supervisors. Thinking that it may be one of the organisational skills, hanging for a day with the senior management personnel she asked me in particular to drop by her office later that day or something, then she walks away.

Anasewa was only a few years to 40 and rumour had it that she had moved here after a divorce. I wasn’t bothered enough to find out. It started out like a professional conversation in her office after work hours and I was going to ask about her marital past, just before our bodies made contact.

I was helping her get files that sat auspiciously atop the filing cabinet when her breast pressed into my back as she squeezed past. At this point, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to know the answer to that question. I had always lived by a principle that states, “Don’t ask questions you don’t want to hear answers to”.

I pretended I didn’t feel it, even though I felt my back stiffen. I couldn’t take my eyes off her heaving chest as we talked about the blue file on the table. Then the silence hit me and I engaged my bravado.

“It’s pretty quiet around here after five” I said smiling as I moved closer to her.

She started saying “That’s because everybody has gone home and it’s a Friday, most folks can’t wait to get outta the door” as she moved close enough to touch.

She smelt expensive. Now I could now see the brownness of her eyes. Then she kissed me, stopped like she was savouring the taste, and kissed me again, then disengaged yet again.

I reached for her and kissed her like my life depended on it. She gently sucked my upper lips and I, her lower lips. It was soft and wet and she had a tongue ring. I pitch her against the wall shelf and undid her bra strap. Firm breasts pop out with dark erect nipples staring at me. The turn on was right enough to cure malaria. I catch the left nipple in my mouth and suck gently, wriggling my tongue around and around it and then flipping it for the other one. She moans deeply I slide my hand under her skirt looking for the love hole.

Her lacy panties felt intensely moist and I guided her as I proceeded to clear the table of all potential obstacles. She turns and smiles at me as she leans over the table, dropping her skirt making a right of way for me as I enter thrusting to high heavens and thinking to myself, thank God it’s Friday.

Eko Diaries

2009-01-27T11:59:00.006+01:00

Yesterday 1655hrs

This time it was from the one they call the Garden City Airport, the one where the almighty crash proof Dash 80 planes leave from. It was quite an unusually smooth flight into the commercial nerve centre of the motherland. How glorious it was driving into this island and have that heavy traffic jam on the other side of the road, at least until I was on the highway that goes beyond the Peninsula.

Today, few minutes after 0607hrs

We are stuck in light traffic, had light breakfast at some the Republic for fowl and then unto some business.

About 0828hrs

Enquiries and some not so long but careful consideration. Some queen’s English ensued and numbers changed hands, some even confidential.

Round one was over 30mins before 1000hours. It was a 35 – 65 balance and a rematch was scheduled.

Live in LasGidiz, motorless

Traffic was growing and I had to be at another location. My driver was gone & busy elsewhere. I know my way around these parts and where to stand. I run across the gray & white Giraffe Crossing avoiding that bastard that drove like the car was stolen. On the other side now, what I feared the most was about to happen to me. I was faced with the very deadly, most talked about situation in the city. My biggest dilemma yet for the year 2009.

Helmet or No Helmet?

Baroque was on the sidewalk looking as confused as ever. A bike had stopped in front of me, by the slow moving traffic. Then I saw it, a purple cheap looking crash helmet on his handle bars, for me to wear. Oh No, GOD please!

“Well, no one knows me in this town” I said to myself

Then the million dollar question again,”Helmet or No Helmet”

Helmet or No Helmet? No Helmet or LASMA? LASMA or Ring Worm?

“TAXI” I called out “Ahmadu Bello Way”

“One thousand naira” he replied seemingly unwilling

I was already in the front seat

1128hrs

Settled down to do some work then was on the phone, dialoguing with Eko. A late lunch in view. I went back to work. After failed attempts to achieve my new targets, I Ctrl-N my word page and start typing…

Excerpts

2009-01-17T12:16:00.005+01:00

Before she arrived that evening again to spend yet another night, she had bugged the living shit out of me, calling my phone at least once every hour. I knew no peace since I met this girl. She was gradually creeping under my skin, such that I felt freer when we were together. She told me repeatedly how she liked me and how happy she was that she met me. She was the new girlfriend I did not realise I had. However, she must have noticed I was not especially buttering myself up to the whole mushiness and was distant.

She then asked, "Am I coming on too strong?",

and I replied, "Are you coming on at all?". I tried to be nice but it was beyond me.

A short extract from the story pRevieW came from.

Rantings IV

2008-12-12T13:57:00.011+01:00

Who the hell are these guys on radio, (Rhythm 93.7FM) that probably entered airplanes for the first times in their lives when they started working yet speak with accents that have no roots? The collective enunciation bears a semblance with a crossbreed of Mauritania and Afghanistan? Do they think they are Americans because overnight they learnt how to use the word, “holla” in a sentence?

What is the justification for driving like a senseless bastard, breaking traffic laws and running other drivers off the road, simply because you have Army officers as passengers?

Why can’t NEPA understand that after a hard-day’s work, we want to come back home and just chill? Sometimes, do nothing fantastic but utilize the simple basic appliances we own, such as our whirlpool bathtubs, washing machines, massage chairs, oops sorry for the mix up, I mean, televisions, air conditioners, and electric kettles.etc. For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to understand why we have power outages in NIGERIA, (Giant of Africa, my ass). It kills me every single time the light goes out. Why the hell did they just take the light. Is this a zoo?

When is the Rivers State Government going to rid our streets of these damn beggars, especially the ones that assault we drivers with pictures of old sores/fresh looking wounds or most times the actual patients displaying their decayed/decaying sores embalmed with gentian violet?

Why do these people that think because they call me Sir, they can just wake up one day and relay their problems to me in search of financial solutions. Strangers, as far as I am concerned, whose surnames I can’t know or even bother to. Call me mean but when I don’t have, I DON’T HAVE.

Right now, I’m not particularly excited about anything, so I will pause here. To be continued shortly.

My A to Z

2008-11-27T15:48:00.008+01:00

To all the bloggers who obliged me with their ONE WORDS...I remain exceedingly thankful

Alpha Romeo, too fast, too furious, too expensive
Bubbling with my new irrepressible feeling of positivity
Celibacy is to Gay Bishops as Masturbation is to Ex-Presidents
Deosculate, Angelina Jolie
Ego kneaded with a little sweet almond oil won’t kill anyone
Fuck, strictly vaginal
Goat, knife, water, salt, pepper, onions, spices, scent leaves, udder...& of course maggi cubes
Haolefication, Dr. Napoleon’s malicious attempt to mystify me with Haitian hula tricks
Iridescent, buy a new television and stop slapping the sides
Juvenileness, Remand Home, Abeokuta
Karma, back to sender
Lunatic, Rear Admiral Harry Olufemi Arogundade
Minds Eye, if only...
Nipple, the harder the better
Orgasmic, climax doesn’t always feel like
Phoenix might just be my uniquely remarkable self
Quality of life by Kellogg’s Credit Crunchies
Razzness, damn right practical and realistic
Sexagenarian, free medical services at UPTH
Time by Romain Jerome
Unorthodox Ultraclean Penetration, absolutely no need for protection
Virgin, Uncle Richie’s (Branson) brand
Woes and more unto NEPA
Xenophobia, unless maybe Lebanese and maybe Afghans...
Yummy, mumsy’s okazi soup with dry fish and snails
Zebra Crossing, No cars are passing, its just reality flashing

Your A to Z

2008-11-26T10:44:00.011+01:00

I have been meaning to do a POST about NOTHING in particular but about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING under TWENTY SIX (26) headlines. I started it and couldn’t focus on ONE WORD PER LETTER hence I Ctrl-A, Del and proceeded to delete the file from my Blog folder.

Now I need all of you, at least twenty six (26), to drop ONE WORD comments here in ALPHABETICAL ORDER, starting (of course) from A, with words that you want as sub-topics. It is one word per alphabet PLEASE. Say no more after your ONE WORD.

They may be any words, WHATEVER COMES TO MIND (simple or compound words) and I will write in few words my thoughts about it, maybe referring to me.

The only rules that apply are that the comments must be in alphabetical order, the FIRST ONE being an A word, such that the person with the 13th comment, writes one word that begins with the letter M.

And a little twist, ONE COMMENT PER PERSON.

In cases of MISTAKES, NON-COMPLIANCE or REPETITIONS, the less preferred one would be DELETED, possibly giving the 'COMMENTOR' another spot.

All rights to DISALLOW comments are reserved.

Sexy Miss Glade

2008-11-11T16:19:00.006+01:00

Clad in a burgundy Roberto Cavalli shirt tucked neatly into my well ironed boot cut black Zara trousers on a hot Sunday afternoon , feeling cool. I was thinking, how some days in church can be so boring and how else we would know that the other days are not, besides my looking vainly at everything that showed an image of me, no matter how unclear.

I saw sweat streaks outside the area covered by my inner vest, so I increased the air-conditioning on more step the moment I got in the car. It was a really hot day although the sun seemed like it had found solace behind thick clouds.

Knowing the emptiness of my refrigerator and the resounding void in my stomach from the hunger tormenting my very existence, I thought about the several bouts of sex I was engaged in the previous night with the floozy I met at Ola’s party 3 weeks ago. I headed downtown to the big shop owned by some Lebanese looking Indians, parked carefully like I always do and walked in.

Strolling down the pastries section looking lustfully at the items on the shelves, I walked straight through to the cold food section, then I saw them, a very nice pair of bum bum, not too huge, not to flat. Perfect to back into me or to ram continuously into. I begged GOD to pardon me, as I was just coming from church.

Her navy blue top bared some skin on her lower back even as the blue denims held fast as they swung from side to side. I walked past her so I could see her face, and then she turned and looked at me. “Not bad”, I said to myself seeing that she looked as old as I would have not minded and that made me decide I was going to make the move if the opportunity came.

It seemed now like I was stalking her because even as I acted like I was paying her no mind, carrying on my shopping, we happened into the same sections at the same times. All the time no hellos. She seemed to have noticed because she moved a lot more gracefully now, looking every now and then at me.

I pushed my almost basket to the home section and she was right at the spot, I walked up right beside her, nodded a greeting and bent over to select my favourite from the colourful array of Air Wick flavours. I closed my eyes trying to remember which of these ones I hadn’t used before, but not before I saw her sniffing her hand, I opened my eyes and sneaked a peek at her.

She had pulled the cover open and sprayed Glade Air Freshener on her arm and was sniffing it. Oh my God! I was in shock. This things only happen on TV. Then she sniffed again. "This is not a fucking perfume bitch” I said to myself. GOSH. I was returning the other on the shelf, and she did it again. It was unbelievable watching her trying to make a choice from the different fragrances like she was in World Duty Free perfumery.

I closed my eyes and wished my friend Jubrin was here to share this with. What a moment to waste. I grabbed 2 bottles of liquor to reinforce my fast depleting alcohol bar at home then headed to the till, there she was again.

This is all she had in the basket, big Dettol, a bag of french fries, one Kit Kat bar and Glade Air Freshener Lavender.

At that point I imagined she might have been only trying to impress me, showing me she knew how to sample and test fragrances. Please I will rather give myself a blow job. Pass.

Whateva Men

2008-10-22T01:19:00.002+01:00

Pardon my saying, but women can just all be the same, in a manner of speaking. If I tell you that truthfully, as I speak, I can stay faithful to that one woman, I tell a lie.

Let it not be said however that I am embracing evil, no I am not, I am only facing my reality, as it may seem. The best I can say that I will stick my head out and try not to cheat.

I wish I felt differently but I don’t. I might, when I have the time to, tell you all about this, but I earnestly doubt if that will ever happen. Most likely, tomorrow I will feel different but this is how I feel today.

By the way, my birthday comes up soon; (yes, I’m a real Scorpio, unlike Queen, my blog crush) I should be back in naija then, hopefully. And I’m gonna be doing lots of champagne with close friends. Guys only.

Cheers everyone

No Title Here

2008-10-05T11:26:00.011+01:00

9:42am
Phone rings, playing the familiar ring tone. I answer smiling. It was Omo, my friend, from Fall In, Walk Out of Love, who got married in April.

Baroque: Ol boy how far?
Omo: I dey oh, you dey work abi?
Baroque: How I go do na? na office I dey
Omo: Guy, I dey house. I just receive bad news

Without any real worries, I ask

Baroque: Wetin happen?
Omo: Tenny is dead!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Atubaby brother, Tenny don die!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Ol boy, me sef I tire
Baroque: Eh? Abeg, which kind rubbish talk be that?
Omo: Asthma attack
Baroque: Asthma attack? In this 2008?
Omo: Something about say them give am overdose or say na wrong medicine them give am when the thing being don pass wetin inhaler for do
Baroque: Overdose? of wetin?
Omo: Me, I no know oh
Baroque: I never understand oh. Tenny wey just get work for Mobil, wey we suppose drink for Eket, say him don die?
Omo: My brother, na so we see am oh. Atubaby say e get as her body dey do her
Baroque: Abeg, make she relax! How her body dey do her?
Omo: She say, why them go call me to tell me say her brother dey sick. Why them no call her?...She dey sleep right now sha

Atubaby is Omo’s very lovely wife who is 7 months pregnant.
Feeling very surprised and upset now, I ask out loud

Baroque: Which kind wahala be this na? YOU MEAN SAY SHE NO KNOW?
Omo: My brother, Nta dey here sef. We no know where to put leg.

Nta is another close mutual friend, in whose house Omo is staying while he’s place is being prepared. Heaving and exhaling deeply I mutter

Baroque: Make una see trouble oh
Omo: I just spoke with Showboy, he says I should come over so we can make arrangements & bury him next weekend

Showboy is Tenny's immediate younger brother just before Atubaby.
Realizing they we were already considering dumping his body in the ground and covering it up. I ask with some real hope

Baroque: Guy, wait oh, ARE THEY SURE? Them sure say him don die?
Omo: Na the same question I ask oh
Baroque: Make them check whether him just faint or na coma him dey. Make them try wake am oh, make e no be mistake

We both laughed

Omo: Well, my brother, make I dey here dey think my life. As I don spoil your morning so, make I leave you. Make you follow me see as the thing be
Baroque: I go call you later na, I don weak. Anyway, I need to submit one technical bill to my boss now now for operations meeting. The man dey give me heat
Omo: Guy, later

Call Ended
9:44am

Please how do you tell your 7 months pregnant wife that her elder brother, one she’s close to, is dead?

1st October 1960...& beyond

2008-10-01T10:32:00.003+01:00

As we commemorate with the fatherland (abi na motherland?), we pray to & beseech Almighty GOD for

Righteousness
Wisdom
Understanding
Morality
Ethical Dealings
National Reformation
Resource Management Skills
Debt Free Living
Vision
Educational Superiority
Cultural Blessings
Financial Authenticity
Technological Advancement
Security
& Self Sustenance

…Peace, Love and Progress for our Beloved NAAAIIIIIJJAAH

48 GBOZAS for our Great NIGERIA!!!

LONG LIVE THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

pReviEw

2008-09-12T05:24:00.009+01:00

...I started thrusting unhurriedly until I noticed the look on her face. I heard her sniff. For all I cared she could cry herself a river. Like I told her I had crossed the point of no return. I changed our positions so as to gain more access then I hit a home run. I leaned over to ask what the matter was then she started with all the, 'I told you to stop' shit. Almost feeling bad, I wore my pyjamas, went to the living room and poured myself a drink...