Monday, 7 April 2008

Customer Served

Out of the corner of one eye, she looks at me then back at the paper she was writing on. “Abeg I can’t, I’m busy” was the scornful reply I got from this narrow ass cheaply clad tramp meant to be the cash teller behind the counter at this grimy looking bank, after I had asked her if she could give me the account number for a customer into whose account I was to pay money.

“Look here, you sad bitch, if you’re tired of the job go home and frustrate your poor ass husband, that’s if you’re lucky enough to have one” I sharply retorted without thinking.

I have had it with these so called new generation bankers that don’t know jack about civility least of all customer services. I could have been anyone for all she cared. All I needed was for the cheeky lass to attend to my request as I had edgily waited for over twenty minutes for my turn. Thinking she was going to give me the same attitude I had watched her give all the others in front of me was the wrongest move she was going to be making in a very long time. The second time in two days from another crappy bank? No way! I was alive, well and was having a bad day enough to give it to her.

Frowning her ugly face, with small tribal marks on the sides of her face by her eyes she looked up agape. “Please sir, be careful oh, what is it?” she told me

“Are you mad? Tell your father to be careful” pointing my pen at her.

“Ah ah sir, don’t be angry. What is the matter?” the cashier beside her, in an attempt to cool me down, interjected as she overheard my rantings”

“Imagine this dirty little rat, telling me that she’s too busy to attend to me when it has come to my turn. Is she drunk?”

Luckily, I had just found the piece of paper I had written the account number on tucked in one pocket inside my wallet. I scribbled the number on the slip and instructed her in a callously authoritative manner. “Take this money and pay it in, if you like put it in your purse”

There’s something about banks that can get me to one of the highest heights of aggravation especially in Port Harcourt, and today was going to be one of the days I was going to have my voice heard.

At this time her assistant manager had walked up behind her in time to hear the end of that brief wrangle. Seeing fire oozing from my nostrils, he apologised on her behalf then took the cash and deposit slip from her and asked me to come over for him to do himself. She tried to explain to him but he instructed her to forget it and attend to the next customer.

He wasn’t only an old school mate but we had lived together in NYSC camp and then in one room for the rest of the year somewhere in Egbaland. In his office, we briefly went over the incident. I told him I was not as angry as he thought, it was just ripe so it had to be plucked.

Truth be told; I felt a little sorry for the bit of hell I let loose on the unsuspecting poor girl. She didn’t see it coming was a plus for me. The day wasn’t mine and I was not going to let it be hers either.

Wednesday, 26 March 2008

Owerri Blues

I was quite young then but I knew when someone was not searching for his keys in my pocket. I woke up that night during one of those one-week holidays in Owerri; my mum was sleeping in the next room and my cousin was caressing my belly button area and my waistline.

His palm inside my pyjamas top stroking my chest down to my navel slowly roused me to the anticipation of sexual delight and the realisation of my already hard penis. Then, I guess I was very adventurous when it came to sexual matters, open to everything, provided pleasure was guaranteed.

Cos, five years older, with me only thirteen, seemed like he knew what he was doing when he unbuttoned my top and started sucking on my nipples. At this point I could not act like I was asleep anymore but remained still.

I remember taking a bath with him in the morning and ogling at his well hung frame. I was in awe but did a bad job at keeping my hands to myself. The resulting effect was the romance right here and now in his bed. At that age I was oblivious of the concept of lesbianism and homosexuality, had not the faintest idea what it demanded and therefore didn’t think good or bad of it. I was only eager to experience the pleasures that be.

He continued his mission down into my trousers unto my erect still ‘adolescenting’ dick. Nothing felt better than his lips on it. It felt so menacing yet so congenial. He continued sucking around the tight rim of my cap, under my balls then proceeded to rim me. I was twitching all over only just realising that such heights of pleasure really existed. I was blissed out.

Suddenly positions changed and I was required to perform the same procedure. I cannot remember him ejaculating semen but I stopped because I was tired not knowing how it was meant to end. We eventually dressed up, rolled over and slept till morning. I woke and realised I had just had the coolest dream in the world and that was it.

Another holiday was here again and we were bound to make another trip to Owerri again. My mother had just parked the car then stopped me before I had the chance to jump out. She maybe considering that I was now of a knowledgeable age decided to advice the first son of her womb about the harsh realities of this wicked world.

“Please be very careful with Cos” she started, “you know he was suspended from school for bad behaviour?” she asked

“I didn’t know that, what did he do?” I asked with genuine inquisitiveness

“Well, He was given indefinite suspension for practising homosexuality”

My jaw dropped, such rhema, then realised that, that was not a dream I had in Owerri during the other holiday. Oh my God. That is what it is!

“Be very careful around him, so he doesn’t try anything on you” she warned

“Yes mummy” I said with a renewed wisdom. There went my innocence, I felt so sick. I had become a man. Now I was in the know. I was not going to let it happen.

The nine days we spent in Owerri was not fun. He made advances on the first night, in vain, I succumbed on the second night then proceeded to dodge him the rest of the vacation, sometimes without success. Truthfully I enjoyed every bit of the rubbish we indulged in but since after I had that talk with my mother, my life had not remained the same. I felt a conscience. Now I know too much, I now knew I was not meant to be doing this. However, I think he was phasing because I knew he had girlfriends then, and was also fucking his sister’s school mother. This character might have been applicably bisexual.

We never talked about those episodes and they fizzled out. Now we are grown men chasing women together whenever our planets collide. He’s got a kid with his wifey, a black beauty from The Gambia.

I am 273% straight, totally unscathed and will never be with a man, but I can only speak for myself.

Friday, 14 March 2008

WHAT I KNOW

I know
I know
this time its for real and
I know she’ll be jealous
I know so
I know I’m gonna get very hungry after this post
and I know I don’t know what I want to eat
I know Jesus is Lord
I so know that
I know that preparation precedes performance
I know it felt really good when I saw my last payslip
I know
I know Obasanjo will die and go to hell
I know that Odili will be right behind him
I know
I know I love Isi’s blog and she loves mine too
I know I might never be perfect but I do my best
I know a stitch in time saves nine
I know
I know if I put my heart to it, I can achieve it
I know I need to lose some weight
I know
I know that sex makes the world go round
I know say wetin dey kill person go first block him ear
and I know say trouble no good
I know
I know
too much
I know that I will tag the first 6 chics that come to mind
and I know you’ll do me comment about it

Blackjamesbond, thanks for letting me borrow without asking

Tagged - Isi, Hengish, Bumight, Desperate Lady, Tyger and Lighty

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

Do I Love Your Ways?

I hate you dislike Bob Marley

I love you know the right words to say

I hate you leave me in emotional limbo

I love you find me fairly humorous

I hate red nail varnish on your toes

I love to smell your hair when I hold you

I hate you don’t let me in my kitchen

I love you slicing onions and pounding yam

I hate you can be needlessly pessimistic

I love you say ‘yeah baby’ when I call

I hate you have too many shoes

I love the clothes you buy me are spot on

I hate you can’t take simple driving instructions

I love long trips with you as my companion

I hate how much attention you give your novels

I love you always select the best movies for the evening

I hate you make we wait for ages

I love you cosset me when my back hurts

I hate you dot all the T’s and cross all the I’s

I’m in love with the love we make


Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Part V - Post Rendezvous

(just in case you missed it, you might want to read all preceding episodes first)

We had left Eve back in my room and by the time I got back she was peacefully asleep, her eyes looked puffy as they were shut. I thought I saw tears. If she was not feeling well and wanted to spend the night in my room, I had no problems absolutely with it. Before I snuck into the bathroom and took a pleasant warm shower, I sent a text to Nma telling her how nice the time was that I spent with her and that I was looking forward to the morrow. She said she did too and was almost home.

In a foetal position, she looked like she was cold and needed comfort so I pulled the duvet over her and then went ahead to sort my stuff out for my meetings and presentation the next morning after which I turned the lights off and slid quietly into bed. I would normally sleep face down on my belly but I lay on my right side backing Eve then sent one more text message, this time to my mother telling her I was in Lagos, reassuring her I was okay. I pull my end of the duvet over gently so I would not awaken my novel bedmate before I let myself drift into restful sleep.

Unsure of how long I had slept for or what time it was, I progressively regained consciousness to a pull on my arm over her side with Eve inching into me with her backside to my groin in a spooning position. I did not even know I was facing the other way. I was now wide awake realising that I had a full grown woman in my bed and was quite uncertain if I should let her know I was now wide awake. Something did not quite feel right about it although I was sure it was something I could walk through.

I then remembered that she had earlier said that she was in need of counsel and seemed quite low-spirited. I did not want to think that this was one of those P&T games women play.

This was a woman I had repeatedly denied myself of seeing as sexually appealing and it did not help matters when I found out that she no longer had the pair of joggers on. I could feel the bare skin of the back of her thighs as I stretched to full consciousness. I tactfully tucked my dick in between my legs to prevent it from prodding her if it got stiff. I asked if she was alright and she murmured something inaudible then relaxed into me as I pushed my arm all the way around her belly. I whisper telling her that she would be ok, trying to take my mind off the possible leadings of my current position before the core of my masculinity would take charge and then I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I had a not so restful night after all because she woke me up every time she turned in her sleep and especially when she buried her face in my chest, thank goodness I had a shirt on; I would not bear to feel her breath on my bare chest. In the morning, I had a monster erection; thankfully, she had curled up on her own facing the other direction. Although it happened most mornings, I was not sure this morning’s hardness was unconnected to the woman in my bed.

It was not yet morning when I got up and walked towards the bathroom, backing the bed, shielding the protrusion in my boxer shorts. I emerged from the bathroom after a long piss and the wait to lose the erection to find Eve wide awake with the lights on; I came in and sat by her side.

Stroking her hair I asked, “Are you alright? I hope you slept well?”

“Yes, I did” she replied, now sitting up, holding my hand and squeezing gently, she said “Thank you”

“For?” I asked

“For being there for me when I needed someone and especially when I needed comforting arms around me”

Embarrassed, I say “What can you do without me, you owe me your life” grinning

“You can have me then” she said smiling spreading her arms wide apart

“Ok, don’t let’s go there. Trouble no good” I say rising from the bed imagining how I would love to do just that.

“Really, thank you very much. You’re such a big brother” she said again

I said heartily, “Eheh! Big Brother Africa! You'll be alright.

Then she starts, “I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t. I felt like shit. I just wanted to cry my eyes out but I guess I was too tired to cry, I slept off when you walked your friend downstairs. Very fine girl you know” she stopped talking like she thinking about something. “You guys have something? By the way, I’m sorry if I interrupted anything last night, at that time I couldn’t be bothered. You guys look good together though. And you’ve got a presentation to make this morning. And I’m talking too much?” she concluded

“I’m listening to you my dear, talk to me” trying to take my mind off the woman in my bed that tormented my last night, I had to encourage her to talk despite how I wanted to jump back in bed and crash for about forty-five minutes to an hour. My meeting was not till 10:30 that morning so I had over 4 hours to play with.

As she poured out her heart to me, I moved to sit on one of the chairs and saw her joggers lying lazily on it, then realised all she had on was the t-short I could see and maybe underpants, my roving mind began yet another journey. I remembered the brush of her thighs against mine and wondered what it would feel like to touch. I sat down and swung my legs over one arm of the chair in order not to publicly display my privates.

She told me how she had just ended an almost 2 year long relationship because her partner had stopped being the pleasant fellow he had always being. She complained about a certain coldness that he exuded and how she thought she deserved to be treated a lot nicer than he did her. She suspected another woman and was not going to fight with anyone especially for a man she was no longer sure had her best interest at heart and whom she claimed had taken advantage of her eagerness to love. She told him how she felt about everything and it had hurt her really bad because he had just sat there and said nothing even as she walked away into the hotel. The least I could say was that shit happened every day, I advised she took things easy that it would pass then I asked what she would do if he came back with all the reasons in this world asking for her forgiveness. She thought for a bit then said something I did not quite hear because at that time she drew the bedcovers off slowly revealing her half naked self; pulling the tee over her lower body she got up from the bed.

It happened again, my heart missed two beats. Embarrassed, I did not know whether to look away or just be. I had seen her in very tight skirts before but refused to go further with the thought, she was shaped like a Coke bottle. I ogled as the curves made their way all the way from her full brown legs under her top, sexily bow from the knees, she walked towards the bathroom; her t-shirt did not cover the entirety of her behind. The sight of her buttocks restrained by bright red knickers caused a fluttering sensation in my stomach and a rush of blood. I shook my head and stretched to reorient my immediate being. This definitely could be injurious for the both of us.

The next few minutes found me deep in thought; questioning what the game was that she played thinking I was irresponsive to such seductive performances. Eve must have something else coming if she thinks she’s going to get away scot-free. I can’t be doling out pity, lending her my heart and she giving me a ‘hard’ time (pun intended)

In order to avert a reoccurrence of that embarrassing moment, I got up and decide to occupy myself with the contents of my briefcase awaiting her emergence from the bathroom.

In my mind; she was standing by the bathroom door, leaning on one leg, giving me the eye making sure I notice her young breasts with erect nipples straining through the tee which now hung loosely on one hip showing off the side of her well rounded hips. She starts walking towards me with an intent I couldn’t wait to uncover, I turn to face her in the chair moving outwards as she approached only to have her bestride my right leg sitting on my knee. I exhale totally when I feel the warmth moistness from in between her legs. I grab her behind with both hands and then pull her closer as she reaches past and without warning swallows up my left ear lobe making me shudder with thrill just before she whispers the words, “I’m so horny and I want you right now”. My mind went on and so forth.

“You’re alright?” I asked without looking as I hear her coming out of the bathroom.

“I’m alright…” she said as she moved into the room now seemingly conscious of her half naked state although I pretended to be engaged with something inside by attaché case ”…just a whole lot of stuff going on in my head” she finished.

“Call for a cup of coffee” I told her

“It’s a little too early, let me get to my room and relax a bit. Time dey, I fit even sleep small. Baroque, thanks for your kindness” she replied as she fitted her lower body into the joggers and straightened her hair.

“You’re welcome my dear. Be ready by 8:30 so we go downstairs for breakfast, ok?” I instructed just before she leaves and I jump in bed and snooze for about an hour.