Rantings IV

Who the hell are these guys on radio, (Rhythm 93.7FM) that probably entered airplanes for the first times in their lives when they started working yet speak with accents that have no roots? The collective enunciation bears a semblance with a crossbreed of Mauritania and Afghanistan? Do they think they are Americans because overnight they learnt how to use the word, “holla” in a sentence?

Z

What is the justification for driving like a senseless bastard, breaking traffic laws and running other drivers off the road, simply because you have Army officers as passengers?

Z

Why can’t NEPA understand that after a hard-day’s work, we want to come back home and just chill? Sometimes, do nothing fantastic but utilize the simple basic appliances we own, such as our whirlpool bathtubs, washing machines, massage chairs, oops sorry for the mix up, I mean, televisions, air conditioners, and electric kettles.etc. For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to understand why we have power outages in NIGERIA, (Giant of Africa, my ass). It kills me every single time the light goes out. Why the hell did they just take the light. Is this a zoo?

Z

When is the Rivers State Government going to rid our streets of these damn beggars, especially the ones that assault we drivers with pictures of old sores/fresh looking wounds or most times the actual patients displaying their decayed/decaying sores embalmed with gentian violet?

Z

Why do these people that think because they call me Sir, they can just wake up one day and relay their problems to me in search of financial solutions. Strangers, as far as I am concerned, whose surnames I can’t know or even bother to. Call me mean but when I don’t have, I DON’T HAVE.

Right now, I’m not particularly excited about anything, so I will pause here. To be continued shortly.

Phone Conversation II

6:00pm three days later, the phone rings and with this feigned disinterest, I pick it up and say nothing

“Hello”, the expected almost familiar voice said, “Is that Baroque?”
“Yes oh, na me, onye na eku” I replied with a quickened vigour in playful Igbo guessing who was at the other end.
“It’s me again, Nma, are you busy”, quite forward, I thought
“Nope, just got in from work and have been actually waiting for your call” I said smiling. I was actually hoping she’d call
“You were waiting for my call, huh? Then you must have been thinking of something while you were waiting”, she says with this very jolly tone
“Well, nothing fancy; if I wanted Fruit & Fibre or Indomie for supper or Garri, and at the same time, trying to picture what the lips from whence such a voice came would look like”, I sharply rejoined
“Ok, then, if you want to knock yourself out then do Garri but first let’s hear about the lips”, she said, ending with this flirtatious tone
“Wouldn’t you rather hear about my Jewish side or have us talk about our broken hearts” I said disjointedly referring to our previous conversation
“After you tell me what you were thinking” she says

I’m getting very excited; maybe it was the promising sound of her voice or maybe my present hornyness doing the thinking for me.

“I’m not saying anything because I was thinking about a lot more than lips; believe me sweetheart, you don’t want to hear my thoughts,”
“OK oh! More than lips?” she exclaimed, “Now I want to hear it” she continued
“You dey find trouble; I’ll tell you in person, over a wholesome wrap and a cold beer” I say after a 3 seconds delay
“I take that as an invitation, but tell me what’s on your mind first” she said
“You’re already on my mind, if you want to get in any deeper, you’ll need more than a shield and buckler”. That was me flirting shamelessly, not like I cared anyway
“Eheh! you dont mean it; is there anything I should be wary of, Mr. B?”

Mr. B? We are now on the nickname levels huh! I’m thinking to myself

“What do you suspect? You don’t strike me like someone that’ll scare easily”
“Why would you think so” she asked chuckling
“You’ve not given any reasons to think otherwise” I reply, feeling very smart

After about 3 minutes of inconsequential talk, I decide to spice up a bit and introduce some impishness and push it

“Gosh, I’m so horny; which kind life be this?” my very famous line that has brought me some sunshine in the past
“WHAT! What did you say?” she enquired. I think I heard her do a half smile despite her attempt to sound shocked
“My dear, nothing oh, was just thinking out loud, been a while since I got proper loving done to me”, I lied. Well in my books two days without sex is long enough for me to get to my horniest peak.
“Proper loving done to you? What the hell are you talking about?” she asks
“You won’t understand until we meet” I say convincingly, “Oh shyeet, my light has gone, NEPA, craze people, I’m using a cordless phone so it’ll go off in a minute or two, lemme give you my mobile number” I continue

“Ok then, give it to me, I’ll call you in 2 days when I’m in Nigeria”.

She says her cousin was coming to get her from the Owerri airport and that she would be in Aba for a few days, then be in Port Harcourt by weekend, I give her my mobile number and take hers, just before the phone dies.

Now that same piss dey worry me and I’m sure I’ll enjoy this one too, off to my pour out my bladder.