Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Phone Conversation

Trying not to loose the page I was reading, I stick my index finger in between the pages as I shift The Icarus Girl to my right hand, one knee on the ground, left hand on the couch, all in one motion I rise from the carpeted floor and make for the men’s room.

Heaving a huge sigh of relief as I drain my bladder into the sparkling and fresh smelling
Ariston bowl, I hear the loud and boring ring of my land phone. I was thinking to myself once again, 'how a good piss sometimes can feel a lot better than sex', as I headed back towards the living room, at the same time wondering why my father would be ringing me again, twice in one morning; eighty five percent of the calls on my NITEL phone are from my family house, no cheaper way to discuss family issues in proxy. I lift the receiver, and with my gravely morning voice I answered.

“Yes?” I said
“Chindu, Chindu!”, the caller hailed merrily
“Hellooow”, I repeat a lot slower, my right eye brow raised with my head cocked to the left side
“Ke kwanu?”, amidst the static, this distinctly silky voice of a female asks with a strong Igbo accent
“Odi nma”, I answer without even thinking, in my best mimic of the same accent
“Amara, o’ no there”, I hear her say after a small delay in Engligbo, a very innovative silver-tongued blend of the English language and the major language of the eastern Nigerian people, Igbo

The line was sounding unclear; guessing it was a network problem, I turn down the harmonious voice of
Robin Thicke, one of my new favourites, on heavy rotation on my home theatre, I catch her at the end of her question and say in a very polite tone,

“So sorry, I am not Chindu, I think you have a wrong number”
“E si? What? What did you say?” she asks politely with a lighter tint of the Eastern Nigerian tongue
“I said I think you have a wrong number, this is not Chindu, my name’s Baroque”
“Wrong number? Oh dear!” She exclaimed, “You sound like my cousin, Chindu” she continues apologetically
“Where are you calling from?” I enquired
“I can't hear you clearly!" she says, "Paris, France, but you are in Port Harcourt abi”
“Yes, I’m in Port Harcourt”
“What did you say your name is?” she asks and of course I didn’t miss the newly induced ‘britiko’ tone.

Considering that I was in no particular hurry to get back to the book about the obanje girl, I leave the arm of the only single seater in my living room and make for the ground, thinking to myself, ‘let’s see how this goes’.

“I never said. What’s yours? My name's Baroque”, I retorted in my own polite English inflection
“What? Barouge?, what kind of a name is that?”
“Baroque, with a Q not a G, its Hebrew. Yours?” I emphasise
“Its Nma”
“Nma, it’s a pleasure. Sorry you have a wrong number and I’m busy talking to you, taking your time and wasting your call units, have a swell day” I said, trying to sound regretful
“Pas de problem Baroque. Its not such of an emergency. I've got some time & you sound nice too”, I sense some patronising flattery and I’m thinking to myself, ‘this girl, take your time oh’
“Sound nice, hmmm! I try to, Nma. Thanks. Do you speak French?”, I reply smiling.

Dropping my book on the floor but not after folding the edge of the page, unsure of what I was thinking at that moment, I ask, enquiring bravely,

“Do you live in France and are you married? Forgive me, but I'm forward like that”
“It's ok mister, fresh, out of a relationship, still nursing my broken heart, and no, I don’t live here or speak French either. I’m in transit, here for four days. Should be leaving the day after tomorrow” she answers with glee
“That makes us two. I mean the relationship part. In transit to and from where?” I ask again
“Back home from Ireland" she said. "Baroque, it was really nice talking to you. Can I call you back, say in three hours, if you’re up to it. I'm sure it wont be a wrong number this time. I need to call my cousin to get him to do something for me. Hey, who knows, we could hook up when I’m back in naija” she suggests

I’m thinking; that was fast. Well it was her idea; it’ll take her up on it.

“Call me back, Nma, I’m gonna be lounging the rest of the day on this couch, it’s a weekend and it’s been raining cats and dogs here”
“I’ll call and have you tell me about your Jewish side” she says

Laughing, she says good bye and I hear the receiver drop at the French end.

“Na so trouble dey take start” I say to myself out loud.

If I know myself well enough, (sometimes, I wonder If I do), I’ll be fantasizing about her until she rings me again, now I’m praying she calls again. I must be very easy to please, only after three minutes of inconsequential jabber; I’m hoping and praying for ultimate fulfilment of this desire.

Now I need to urinate again, i bet, this one will not feel as good as the first one.

To Be Continued Shortly, Please Don’t Adjust Your TV Set


100%Lighty said...


Ogbono_Fishsticks said...

I'm reading Icarus girl too.

U sure the Frenchi ain't Icarus?

Tread carefully.

y do i think MCC?

kokolette said...

so what happened?

Baroque said...

@lighty, the remnants of the friday night liquing. gotta strong bladder; i dont piss half as much as i fart

@ogbono...,i've gotten tired of the book & i'm dropping it. so why do you think MCC?

@kokolette, in time! just a likle patience

Jaja said...

Give us the full gist nah? wetin dancing?

Icarus girl... Ogbanje story.. abi na MPD

Baroque said...

@Jaja, my broda nothing dancing! una go wait small oh, i gotta take care of stuff

Mrs Somebody said...

'a good piss sometimes can feel a lot better than sex'????? huh?

myprivatepart said...

i didn't entirely understand this. but there's a smack of the universal to old story.

Porter deHarqourt said...

i know people who call up random numbers and hope they can get someone interesting enough to chat up.

abeg try tellus how e happen after that...don't be such a tease!

Baroque said...

@mrs.smbdy, ofcourse you know that, dont you? esp when the bladder's full! ...if you can make it to the toilet

@yourprivates, it isn't rocket science or anything like that, is it!

@PdeHqt, that used to be an old vocation; there're more rude ppl in naija than you think, & considering that i now pay bills. i no do again!

cheetarah said...

def coming back for the rest of this story

kokolette said...

hey, haven't heard from you in a while...hope you dey

Mrs Somebody said...


Jaja said...

am not begging..

Just bring on the part 2

Tyger said...

your story made me laugh and also reminded me of a similar experience years back... surprised people still get up to that stuff...

Do update us.... i'm totally absolutely salivating...

30+ said...

Ssoooooooo, did she call back...don't like waiting o :<)

Mrs Somebody said...


kokolette said...

are you ever coming back?

catwalq said...

transatlantic sexual desperation

femme said...

i'm so happy to have a new blog to add to my list.
i've been asked my than once why i go 'ohhh, ahhhh' when 'pissing',my words just don't cut it, so i'll send them here next time i'm asked.

Anonymous said...

Baroque is Hebrew? Is it a variant form of Baruch?

Baroque said...

@30+, i'll try to make you not wait any longer. its been a while since i was at your blog, anything new?

@mrs.something, i go update but i'm writing like 5posts at the same time & cant seem to finish any + too much groove this vacation i dey

@kokolette mi, i'm back. like you know, & fighting big time on your blog :-)

@catwalq, i think so you

@femme, if you're trying to make me like you, its working ;-) tell them there's nothing like a good piss

@anon, tell me about that variant form of Baruch

Anonymous said...

Baruch is the first word in almost every Hebrew prayer and is also a Hebrew name. I think it means blessed. I only brought up the name Baroque here because in your post you said it was Hebrew. But I don't think Baroque, at least in the way you spell it, would be identified as Hebrew, so I thought since it is similar to Baruch, the most common English spelling of the same word in Hebrew, that it is a variant of it.

Baroque said...

@anon, you're right but the meaning also denotes some kinda adorning

cally-waffybabe said...

Okay i remember reading this particular post a while back when i clicked on your name from Kokolette's blog. lol. I didn't realise you were the same guy. I got your id from another blog when i was choosing my readers. Okay so when are you gonna hit us with part two then?

Jaguda said...

easy flowing gist bro. you are right about the pissing part, especially when u r really pressed to death!