My A to Z

To all the bloggers who obliged me with their ONE WORDS...I remain exceedingly thankful

Alpha Romeo, too fast, too furious, too expensive
Bubbling with my new irrepressible feeling of positivity
Celibacy is to Gay Bishops as Masturbation is to Ex-Presidents
Deosculate, Angelina Jolie
Ego kneaded with a little sweet almond oil won’t kill anyone
Fuck, strictly vaginal
Goat, knife, water, salt, pepper, onions, spices, scent leaves, udder...& of course maggi cubes
Haolefication, Dr. Napoleon’s malicious attempt to mystify me with Haitian hula tricks
Iridescent, buy a new television and stop slapping the sides
Juvenileness, Remand Home, Abeokuta
Karma, back to sender
Lunatic, Rear Admiral Harry Olufemi Arogundade
Minds Eye, if only...
Nipple, the harder the better
Orgasmic, climax doesn’t always feel like
Phoenix might just be my uniquely remarkable self
Quality of life by Kellogg’s Credit Crunchies
Razzness, damn right practical and realistic
Sexagenarian, free medical services at UPTH
Time by Romain Jerome
Unorthodox Ultraclean Penetration, absolutely no need for protection
Virgin, Uncle Richie’s (Branson) brand
Woes and more unto NEPA
Xenophobia, unless maybe Lebanese and maybe Afghans...
Yummy, mumsy’s okazi soup with dry fish and snails
Zebra Crossing, No cars are passing, its just reality flashing

Your A to Z

I have been meaning to do a POST about NOTHING in particular but about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING under TWENTY SIX (26) headlines. I started it and couldn’t focus on ONE WORD PER LETTER hence I Ctrl-A, Del and proceeded to delete the file from my Blog folder.

Now I need all of you, at least twenty six (26), to drop ONE WORD comments here in ALPHABETICAL ORDER, starting (of course) from A, with words that you want as sub-topics. It is one word per alphabet PLEASE. Say no more after your ONE WORD.

They may be any words, WHATEVER COMES TO MIND (simple or compound words) and I will write in few words my thoughts about it, maybe referring to me.

The only rules that apply are that the comments must be in alphabetical order, the FIRST ONE being an A word, such that the person with the 13th comment, writes one word that begins with the letter M.

And a little twist, ONE COMMENT PER PERSON.

In cases of MISTAKES, NON-COMPLIANCE or REPETITIONS, the less preferred one would be DELETED, possibly giving the 'COMMENTOR' another spot.

All rights to DISALLOW comments are reserved.

Sexy Miss Glade

Clad in a burgundy Roberto Cavalli shirt tucked neatly into my well ironed boot cut black Zara trousers on a hot Sunday afternoon , feeling cool. I was thinking, how some days in church can be so boring and how else we would know that the other days are not, besides my looking vainly at everything that showed an image of me, no matter how unclear.

I saw sweat streaks outside the area covered by my inner vest, so I increased the air-conditioning on more step the moment I got in the car. It was a really hot day although the sun seemed like it had found solace behind thick clouds.

Knowing the emptiness of my refrigerator and the resounding void in my stomach from the hunger tormenting my very existence, I thought about the several bouts of sex I was engaged in the previous night with the floozy I met at Ola’s party 3 weeks ago. I headed downtown to the big shop owned by some Lebanese looking Indians, parked carefully like I always do and walked in.

Strolling down the pastries section looking lustfully at the items on the shelves, I walked straight through to the cold food section, then I saw them, a very nice pair of bum bum, not too huge, not to flat. Perfect to back into me or to ram continuously into. I begged GOD to pardon me, as I was just coming from church.

Her navy blue top bared some skin on her lower back even as the blue denims held fast as they swung from side to side. I walked past her so I could see her face, and then she turned and looked at me. “Not bad”, I said to myself seeing that she looked as old as I would have not minded and that made me decide I was going to make the move if the opportunity came.

It seemed now like I was stalking her because even as I acted like I was paying her no mind, carrying on my shopping, we happened into the same sections at the same times. All the time no hellos. She seemed to have noticed because she moved a lot more gracefully now, looking every now and then at me.

I pushed my almost basket to the home section and she was right at the spot, I walked up right beside her, nodded a greeting and bent over to select my favourite from the colourful array of Air Wick flavours. I closed my eyes trying to remember which of these ones I hadn’t used before, but not before I saw her sniffing her hand, I opened my eyes and sneaked a peek at her.

She had pulled the cover open and sprayed Glade Air Freshener on her arm and was sniffing it. Oh my God! I was in shock. This things only happen on TV. Then she sniffed again. "This is not a fucking perfume bitch” I said to myself. GOSH. I was returning the other on the shelf, and she did it again. It was unbelievable watching her trying to make a choice from the different fragrances like she was in World Duty Free perfumery.

I closed my eyes and wished my friend Jubrin was here to share this with. What a moment to waste. I grabbed 2 bottles of liquor to reinforce my fast depleting alcohol bar at home then headed to the till, there she was again.

This is all she had in the basket, big Dettol, a bag of french fries, one Kit Kat bar and Glade Air Freshener Lavender.

At that point I imagined she might have been only trying to impress me, showing me she knew how to sample and test fragrances. Please I will rather give myself a blow job. Pass.

Whateva Men

Pardon my saying, but women can just all be the same, in a manner of speaking. If I tell you that truthfully, as I speak, I can stay faithful to that one woman, I tell a lie.

Let it not be said however that I am embracing evil, no I am not, I am only facing my reality, as it may seem. The best I can say that I will stick my head out and try not to cheat.

I wish I felt differently but I don’t. I might, when I have the time to, tell you all about this, but I earnestly doubt if that will ever happen. Most likely, tomorrow I will feel different but this is how I feel today.

By the way, my birthday comes up soon; (yes, I’m a real Scorpio, unlike Queen, my blog crush) I should be back in naija then, hopefully. And I’m gonna be doing lots of champagne with close friends. Guys only.

Cheers everyone

No Title Here

9:42am
Phone rings, playing the familiar ring tone. I answer smiling. It was Omo, my friend, from Fall In, Walk Out of Love, who got married in April.

Baroque: Ol boy how far?
Omo: I dey oh, you dey work abi?
Baroque: How I go do na? na office I dey
Omo: Guy, I dey house. I just receive bad news

Without any real worries, I ask

Baroque: Wetin happen?
Omo: Tenny is dead!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Atubaby brother, Tenny don die!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Ol boy, me sef I tire
Baroque: Eh? Abeg, which kind rubbish talk be that?
Omo: Asthma attack
Baroque: Asthma attack? In this 2008?
Omo: Something about say them give am overdose or say na wrong medicine them give am when the thing being don pass wetin inhaler for do
Baroque: Overdose? of wetin?
Omo: Me, I no know oh
Baroque: I never understand oh. Tenny wey just get work for Mobil, wey we suppose drink for Eket, say him don die?
Omo: My brother, na so we see am oh. Atubaby say e get as her body dey do her
Baroque: Abeg, make she relax! How her body dey do her?
Omo: She say, why them go call me to tell me say her brother dey sick. Why them no call her?...She dey sleep right now sha

Atubaby is Omo’s very lovely wife who is 7 months pregnant.
Feeling very surprised and upset now, I ask out loud

Baroque: Which kind wahala be this na? YOU MEAN SAY SHE NO KNOW?
Omo: My brother, Nta dey here sef. We no know where to put leg.

Nta is another close mutual friend, in whose house Omo is staying while he’s place is being prepared. Heaving and exhaling deeply I mutter

Baroque: Make una see trouble oh
Omo: I just spoke with Showboy, he says I should come over so we can make arrangements & bury him next weekend

Showboy is Tenny's immediate younger brother just before Atubaby.
Realizing they we were already considering dumping his body in the ground and covering it up. I ask with some real hope

Baroque: Guy, wait oh, ARE THEY SURE? Them sure say him don die?
Omo: Na the same question I ask oh
Baroque: Make them check whether him just faint or na coma him dey. Make them try wake am oh, make e no be mistake

We both laughed

Omo: Well, my brother, make I dey here dey think my life. As I don spoil your morning so, make I leave you. Make you follow me see as the thing be
Baroque: I go call you later na, I don weak. Anyway, I need to submit one technical bill to my boss now now for operations meeting. The man dey give me heat
Omo: Guy, later

Call Ended
9:44am

Please how do you tell your 7 months pregnant wife that her elder brother, one she’s close to, is dead?