Stolen Anything: Of Course I Have, & I Was Good At It
Been Drunk Before Noon: High, Yes, But Not Drunk
Had Sex In A Public Place: Twice Same Night!
Got Caught Telling A Lie: Who Hasn’t?
Been Arrested: Got To The Station & Managed To Talk My Way Out Of It
Littered: Well, Before the Idiagbon Era
Fantasized About A Co-Worker: & The Fact She Was Married Didn't Help Matters
Cheated On A Test: It Depends On What You Want To Do With The Result
Cheated In A Relationship: Do You Really Want Me To Answer That?
Failed A Class: Never. Come To Think Of It, I Was Almost Always Top 5
Screened Your Phone Calls: It Was the Last Resort
Eaten Food Off The Floor: Still Do, If Biscuits Count
Stuck Gum Under A Desk: Are You Mad? Who Hasn’t
Wished You Were Someone Else: I’m Thinking, ...Michael Jackson?
Cried During A Movie: Getting Teary Eyed Is Not Quite Crying, Is It?
Had A One Night Stand: What Do You Take Me For, A Saint?
Had To Pull Over On The Side Of The Road To Puke?: No, Not At All. It Never Gets That Bad
Had Your Heart Broken?: ...& I Still Don’t Know What I Did To Her
Had A Good Feeling About Something?: Common, I’m Not That Pessimistic
Had A Near Death Experience: Yup, I Think I Have Died Once.
Swam In Freezing Water: Not Had The Luxury Of Scuba Diving At Meteorite Bay
Jumped Off A House: abi Horse? Anyway 2years Ago, For the Heck Of It, I Jumped From My 1st Floor Balcony & Bruised My Ankles
Been Attacked?: At Least, Once...My Assailant(s) Didn't Like What He/They Got
Bungee Jumped: The Price Is Yet To Be Right
White Water Rafted: Like I Know What That Means
Pulled An All Nighter?: What a Question...*hiss*
Surfed: I'm Not Even Interested
Lied About Your Age: Well, She Might Not Have Fallen If She Knew She Was 6years Older?
Broken A Bone?: NEVER & Never Will, In Jesus Name
Tuesday, 14 July 2009
Wednesday, 1 July 2009
Futile Wrangle by LVMH & Jimmy Choo
“Women!” we all chorused in the middle of his story
He continued
After he had introduced and explained himself to the attendant, she brandishes a pair of silver coloured shoes then he enquired to confirm what the price was
“Sir, its sixty-five thousand naira” the attendant replied
I don’t know what his reaction was but it definitely was one of surprise because he picked up his phone and called his fiancée, she confirmed it was sixty-five thousand naira and said thank you before he consented to anything.
“Sixty-five thousand naira ke? Is that meant to be chicken change, then how much was the dress going to cost?”
“Why you dey talk like that?” he started to ask me, “You mean you no get shoe wey reach 60k?”
“My broda, no vex, I no get” I replied
“Ah ah, I have shoes that cost more than that oh” another friend added hilariously
“Wait oh, so you mean say as you dey like this, you no get shoe wey reach 60k?” He interrogated me further
“As I dey like how? That one na achievement?”
“Wetin you dey carry all your money do?” he said
“Definitely not buy shoes that cost 60k”
“Ol boy take your money buy quality things, no dey mise1”
“Quality fire, see eh, there’s nowhere you’ll wear your 1million naira shoe to that I won’t wear my regular priced shoes to”
“How many shoes you get sef?” he continued
“This boy, are you alright?” I asked him, “Like it’s of any importance, I’ve got more shoes than I can wear at the moment” I concluded
“Come to my house and let me show you a room filled with shoes only, some I never even wear” he boasted arrogantly
“Crap, I don see shoes wey you dey wear; your taste no follow. Guy, you still wear Timberland boots to work, common, what are we talking about?” I added
“You know how much I buy the Timbs?” he questioned, “You say I have no taste, you think say na that suit you wear come Mark wedding on Saturday?”
I thought to myself with this irate sensation gradually creeping over me, my friend was going down the road of being quite petty and I was not going to let him get me cheap.
“Gosh, you’re so unbelievable, ok na, lets get down to it, yes, my suit might not have been the best at the wedding but it sure was a perfect fit, but make we talk about the one you wear, considering the size, did you buy it for half a million naira?” I quizzed in utmost mockery.
“See this guy oh, I bought that suit two weeks ago in Italy for over five hundred Euros” he said pompously
“You had the opportunity to do the shopping yourself and all you could get was papa-dash-me? Ol boy, you yab, maybe if it was your size, it would have cost far less, ever heard of the word bespoke?” I said laughing
“Call am anything you like, but no wear that your rubbish suit again” he advised
“I gree, maybe your suit was a million Euros but take it from me, it didn’t look good on you. You looked like one OMATA guy, the fucking suit was oversized, mister. You were lost in it”
Luckily, someone interrupted, saying something about us being immature, (which honestly I agree). Moreover it seemed like it was going to be an endless spat and might likely get out of hand. We changed topics for the love of the game and proceeded to glug down the rest of the Hennessey that lay in wait unwearyingly.
The night ended on a merry note after the ship from the port had offloaded its consignment into our hands.
He continued
After he had introduced and explained himself to the attendant, she brandishes a pair of silver coloured shoes then he enquired to confirm what the price was
“Sir, its sixty-five thousand naira” the attendant replied
I don’t know what his reaction was but it definitely was one of surprise because he picked up his phone and called his fiancée, she confirmed it was sixty-five thousand naira and said thank you before he consented to anything.
“Sixty-five thousand naira ke? Is that meant to be chicken change, then how much was the dress going to cost?”
“Why you dey talk like that?” he started to ask me, “You mean you no get shoe wey reach 60k?”
“My broda, no vex, I no get” I replied
“Ah ah, I have shoes that cost more than that oh” another friend added hilariously
“Wait oh, so you mean say as you dey like this, you no get shoe wey reach 60k?” He interrogated me further
“As I dey like how? That one na achievement?”
“Wetin you dey carry all your money do?” he said
“Definitely not buy shoes that cost 60k”
“Ol boy take your money buy quality things, no dey mise1”
“Quality fire, see eh, there’s nowhere you’ll wear your 1million naira shoe to that I won’t wear my regular priced shoes to”
“How many shoes you get sef?” he continued
“This boy, are you alright?” I asked him, “Like it’s of any importance, I’ve got more shoes than I can wear at the moment” I concluded
“Come to my house and let me show you a room filled with shoes only, some I never even wear” he boasted arrogantly
“Crap, I don see shoes wey you dey wear; your taste no follow. Guy, you still wear Timberland boots to work, common, what are we talking about?” I added
“You know how much I buy the Timbs?” he questioned, “You say I have no taste, you think say na that suit you wear come Mark wedding on Saturday?”
I thought to myself with this irate sensation gradually creeping over me, my friend was going down the road of being quite petty and I was not going to let him get me cheap.
“Gosh, you’re so unbelievable, ok na, lets get down to it, yes, my suit might not have been the best at the wedding but it sure was a perfect fit, but make we talk about the one you wear, considering the size, did you buy it for half a million naira?” I quizzed in utmost mockery.
“See this guy oh, I bought that suit two weeks ago in Italy for over five hundred Euros” he said pompously
“You had the opportunity to do the shopping yourself and all you could get was papa-dash-me? Ol boy, you yab, maybe if it was your size, it would have cost far less, ever heard of the word bespoke?” I said laughing
“Call am anything you like, but no wear that your rubbish suit again” he advised
“I gree, maybe your suit was a million Euros but take it from me, it didn’t look good on you. You looked like one OMATA guy, the fucking suit was oversized, mister. You were lost in it”
Luckily, someone interrupted, saying something about us being immature, (which honestly I agree). Moreover it seemed like it was going to be an endless spat and might likely get out of hand. We changed topics for the love of the game and proceeded to glug down the rest of the Hennessey that lay in wait unwearyingly.
The night ended on a merry note after the ship from the port had offloaded its consignment into our hands.
Tuesday, 23 June 2009
Is It A No Win Situation?
This issue is currently facing my family unit and I, it has been like a torn in my flesh for ages now. There was a time I thought I had it resolved but alas it is here again. Is this how we shall continue to live? I am on the verge of doing something drastic, but the last time I did, I lived to regret it, although I confess I had fun doing it.
I am having a hard time combing my bush and yet you say you want to grow one. Every other morning in the bathroom despite the rush hour, I take out time to apply head & shoulders shampoo and wonder why I never remember to buy a detangler. The other day, I had a comb with me and I combed out the afro looming beneath. Dried it, I combed it again and it looked, felt and smelt nice.
Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the routine so I have thus abandoned it to breed on its own without guidance. Now it is locked in a much untended manner. In my spare time, I use my fingers to untangle it and it more than necessary, turns out to be quite unpleasant leading to the introduction of the second hand for freedom. The twists and turns, stings and bites I suffer when I force them to unlock from the finely formed bond they have created with each other is something to write home about (as I have just done).
Sometime in the past while I was serving my nation, I proceeded on a certain action I call drastic and applied shaving powder, magic hair remover.
In a few minutes, I was clean like a baby, groin, sides, crotch and entire under all-encompassing. About a week later, it came to pass that I could barely walk; it felt like I had been attacked by a million and one termites, this specie of termites was called stubble.
Let your imagination go there. I couldn’t quite take a walk without having to stop and adjust my sac of jewels and rod of life, and then readjust again and again. It was an almost hopeless situation but for dusting powder, and the fact that my roommate was suffering a similar predicament.
Now, the dilemma is to shave or to trim, I am armed with a pair of scissors and clippers, but I have found not the time or space to execute the rescue mission. In a few days I will however, take this bull by the horns.
On the side, I wouldn’t terribly mind, a willing female stylist to engage me in a private shaving exercise, with of course a happy ending. Feel free to suggest, volunteer or nominate, or kuku apply in person.
I am having a hard time combing my bush and yet you say you want to grow one. Every other morning in the bathroom despite the rush hour, I take out time to apply head & shoulders shampoo and wonder why I never remember to buy a detangler. The other day, I had a comb with me and I combed out the afro looming beneath. Dried it, I combed it again and it looked, felt and smelt nice.
Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the routine so I have thus abandoned it to breed on its own without guidance. Now it is locked in a much untended manner. In my spare time, I use my fingers to untangle it and it more than necessary, turns out to be quite unpleasant leading to the introduction of the second hand for freedom. The twists and turns, stings and bites I suffer when I force them to unlock from the finely formed bond they have created with each other is something to write home about (as I have just done).
Sometime in the past while I was serving my nation, I proceeded on a certain action I call drastic and applied shaving powder, magic hair remover.
In a few minutes, I was clean like a baby, groin, sides, crotch and entire under all-encompassing. About a week later, it came to pass that I could barely walk; it felt like I had been attacked by a million and one termites, this specie of termites was called stubble.
Let your imagination go there. I couldn’t quite take a walk without having to stop and adjust my sac of jewels and rod of life, and then readjust again and again. It was an almost hopeless situation but for dusting powder, and the fact that my roommate was suffering a similar predicament.
Now, the dilemma is to shave or to trim, I am armed with a pair of scissors and clippers, but I have found not the time or space to execute the rescue mission. In a few days I will however, take this bull by the horns.
On the side, I wouldn’t terribly mind, a willing female stylist to engage me in a private shaving exercise, with of course a happy ending. Feel free to suggest, volunteer or nominate, or kuku apply in person.
Monday, 22 June 2009
Sometime Ago...
I didn’t read a book; I wasn’t writing one either
I slept in hotels; 5 star and no star inclusive
I flew in airplanes too frequently; some for no reason
There were countless paparazzis; I felt like Daniel Craig
It was scorching hot; I sweated like a Sallah ram
Planning was mismanaged; I was disenchanted
She had long smooth brown legs; Her number should be 36
I lay down on the floor and I got teary eyes
I read my comments with no time to reply
I made, moved and cancelled bookings
The blue monochrome was not a terrible outfit
I borrowed money and I wish I did not have to
I drove a 2009 model and wished it was mine
I had endless airtime & held my phone tightly
My moment of celibacy was not by choice
I felt it all, the joy and the pain
I am here now and I have mixed feelings
I slept in hotels; 5 star and no star inclusive
I flew in airplanes too frequently; some for no reason
There were countless paparazzis; I felt like Daniel Craig
It was scorching hot; I sweated like a Sallah ram
Planning was mismanaged; I was disenchanted
She had long smooth brown legs; Her number should be 36
I lay down on the floor and I got teary eyes
I read my comments with no time to reply
I made, moved and cancelled bookings
The blue monochrome was not a terrible outfit
I borrowed money and I wish I did not have to
I drove a 2009 model and wished it was mine
I had endless airtime & held my phone tightly
My moment of celibacy was not by choice
I felt it all, the joy and the pain
I am here now and I have mixed feelings
Friday, 5 June 2009
This Is Not A Rant
This is not a rant; I have said this before now
I would like to hear an audible reply when I speak to you
I would rather not repeat myself over & over
Mumbles and animal-like grunts won’t do
Once said is enough if you are wise
I ask a question and you draw a blank
I can’t remember us having a fight
So I enquire if I was in soliloquy
Beware, no one plays that game better than me
Absentmindedness is not a state of mind; it is a state of no mind
If you can get lost in your thoughts, so can I
Even children call out salutations, & you are not a newborn
I will not say this a third time, I will soon tit you for your tat
I detest it when you act like you are been cheated
We are two variables & this is not an equation
You will learn to do it yourself or pay the price
Forget your tears; it won’t help you this time
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