Tuesday, 30 October 2007


“The number you have called is not available at the moment, please try again later” said the MTN voice. This was after I had #31# the number, because I was not sure if I should call Nma again.

Again, would be because I had called her last night and we had had this very lewd and publicly offensive discourse on the phone, which should have been Phone III. It started from a Presentez Vous concept. I had never heard a woman being described like that before however it ended in one very PG21, strong language, explicit lyrics, viewer discretion required presentation; only the sex and violence remained.

Its Thursday morning, we’re standing at the arrivals, waiting to claim her checked-in suitcase, I had just arrived Lagos with my new colleague, my protégée as I would love to call her. Eve had only joined us less than eight months ago, after the completion of a Masters degree in the UK, and was drafted into my team, smart chic though. “How come you have a checked-in luggage for a two day meeting, abi you no dey come back” I queried.

She is also Lee’s kid sister; Lee is a friend from secondary school. However I had met her before when she interned with my company three of four years ago, this was after not seeing her since she was a very little girl.

She’s telling me the suitcase is quite empty that it belonged to her cousin in Lagos and how it was the perfect opportunity for her to give it back, before my phone rings. Without looking at it, I put one finger in the air asking for a minute and push the answer button on the blue tooth ear piece fitted in my left ear.

“Morning Romeo!” recognising the voice, I smile and moved away for some privacy.
I reply still smiling, “My Juliet, how are you doing?” in a jolly tone. I was in a good mood because I had a groovy weekend ahead of me; I was going to be in Lagos till Sunday morning, of course the approval came after a very annoying debate with my boss over what I was meant to be doing at the meeting, the notion I was representing, and his insisting I come back after work on Friday. Imagine the mudhaf*kr trying to make me pass up a Friday night in Lagos, is he mad? Not on his life.

“I had just tried your number and it said it wasn’t available” I said to Nma.
“The network has been terrible. Anyway, I thought I’d let you know I’m still in Lagos trying to sort out missing luggage issues with these Air France guys here, they say I’m getting it before the weekend, hopefully”

Missing luggage! Talk about being violated. It feels like one is stripped and made to walk through town, unshaven members and all dangling and swinging for the world to size up.

“I hope say no be there our goods dey oh, abeg. Anyway, I’m sure you’ll get it back” I say reassuringly
“I hope so too. Yea, so how are you? I hope you slept well last night?” she asks.
“I did, thank you”
“Well, I didn’t, thank you” she says
“You didn’t? What did I do?” I asked innocently
“More like, what didn’t you do?” she answered back
“Well, I’ve got a meeting to be at later this morning, and I’m trying to sort myself out”
“You don’t sound like you are in an office, it seems a bit noisy”
“Yea, very noisy. I’m at the airport”
“Avionics meeting?” she asks in jest
I reply with this big grin on my face, “Very funny! Just arriving Lagos for my meeting”
“You’re kidding me, you are in Lagos? You didn’t tell me you were coming to Lag”
“I thought I did”, knowing fully well that I didn’t. “Anyway, I’m right here in Lagos. I just dey reach” I continued
She heaves and after a few seconds she says, “Ok, now I’m not sure exactly why it felt like my heart missed a beat. Or two”
“Maybe it’s because you’re not sure you want to meet me after last night’s conversation” I say blatantly
“I so want to meet you, you have no idea, but there’s this very uneasy feeling about it, should I trust you, player?”
“Player! My dear, it’s totally up to you to trust or not and to what extent you want to take it. I shall not be held responsible for your mis-endeavours. However, you can trust that as long as it is within my reach, I shall pleasure you to refusal”
“You don start? I have not gotten over yesterday’s conversation. You have a dirty mind you know?”
“I do? You nko?” I replied
“This is really strange, I feel like I’ve known you my whole life”
“Then why you are scared of meeting me?”
“I’m not scared of meeting you?” she says sounding very sure “Just unsure if want to, just yet. Trying to be careful”
“Yeah, you know, I just might be a serial killer, trying to make a bag off your hide”
“Even if here na America, I no fear you” she says sarcastically
“It then means I’m seeing you today”
“Don’t even go there” she warns

After going back and forth about the impending rendezvous, we agree to do an early Friday evening. If her description is anything to go by, then I want to meet her today. Let’s get this show on the road. By this time, Eve had gotten her suitcase and we were heading for the exit to find the driver and make our way first to Onikan for our meeting.

“Alrighty then, see you tomorrow” she says
“Call me when you’re done, let’s see what happens” I hang up.

This time, piss no dey catch me.

Sunday, 14 October 2007

Completing Sentences

All thanks to Tyger for letting me use this from off her blog...

I am … not exactly what you think I am
My ex-girlfriend was … the best kisser ever
Maybe I should … shut my laptop down and go straight to bed
I love … my mother to death
I don't understand … what the big deal is about sex, really
I lost my… sense of smell, thanks to this never-ending nasal congestion
My current girlfriend is … soon going to stop being my girlfriend
People say I'm … a handful
Love is … the most misunderstood English word
Somewhere, someone is… getting some really good sex and I’m not
I will always … be me
Forever is … beyond your wildest dreams
I never want to … be caught in the middle of a mothafuckin civil war
I think the current President is … much better looking than the previous one
When I wake up in the morning … I go back to bed; snooze for a bit
Life is full of … shit
My past is incredibly … something I remain grateful to GOD for
I get annoyed when … people take me for granted
Parties are for … drinks, jist and women
Girls are … sometimes not worth the tribulation
Sex is … what makes the world go round
I wish … my father was so rich that I didn’t have to work
Tomorrow I'm going to … cook a full protein based 3 course (in 1) meal
I really want some … pussy
I have low tolerance for people who … are not smart, are planless or smell
If I had a million dollars … I won’t tell a soul
My job makes me … feel ensnared

... and I have decided that, what the hell, I might as well tag the following bloggers, Kokolette, Jaja, CallyWaffyBabe, Porter D’Harcourt, Lighty & Mrs Somebody

Thursday, 4 October 2007

Which Way Naij?

Ever heard the phrase, a fool at forty is a fool forever? What then do we say about a fool at 47?

Where are we driving madly to? Port Harcourt people, where una dey go? The traffic lights (speaking of the ones that work) are for my grandmother serenely asleep in her crypt. Nobody seems to notice the lights unless there is a uniformed man with a stick there to caution or punish disobedient drivers and act as a traffic man in case of the power failure that is definitely bound to happen.

I have just gotten home from work and can barely hear myself because of my neighbour’s cassava grinding machine called a generator, right now, I have no reason to turn mine on. If you no pass your neighbour, then you are in trouble; by 11pm, my own trouble will start.

Is it possible by any means that potholes are tackled any earlier before they get outsized and cut the road in half? As I drive through the streets of Port Harcourt, from Eleme Junction to Borokiri, through Trans Amadi or Stadium Road, abi na Rumuola or D/Line, even almighty GRA, I know the exact position of every pothole and their previous sizes, bearing in mind that they will only get bigger.

Preventive maintenance cannot possibly be as easy as rocket science, can it? How else can they award those multi million naira contract? According to the infamous Pat Etteh, the money is for Upgrade not Renovations.

Why on God’s earth do we pay for trolleys at the international arrivals at Murtala Muhammed Airport, and some extra for a porter to help push it around? Talk about the busiest airport in Africa with only one working snail speed conveyor belt, bearing in mind that there are no seats to sit on and wait for whoever it is that is coming to pick you. Woe betides you, if your plane lands in the middle of the night. A colleague of mine had to stand for several hours before deciding to use one luggage as a seat and the other as head rest, because they landed by 1am, thanks to delays by the airline.

By the way, why don’t we have an airport in Port Harcourt? It is unless you are ready to pay twice the price; you are going to drive, almost 2hours to Owerri to fly to Lagos or Abuja? Mentioning not that it is meant to be an International Airport… anyway, that is another story for another day; let them re-open it first.

Why are there mobile policemen on the roads stopping cars and asking for licence and registration? Na their work be that?

What happened to the excess cash Nigeria derived from crude sales in the past years? And then what do we turn to when the crude oil finishes. For the benefit of those who do not know, crude oil is a non-recoverable resource.

My neighbours have not got running water in their houses, but I do. This is because I made arrangements to have a 1000litre tank sit somewhere very far from the ground, right beside my roof.

I have always paid my taxes yet I can’t be caught outside my house after 9:00pm.

There is only as much as I can say, however, I appeal to His Excellency the Executive Governor of Rivers State, DO NOT follow in the footsteps of your predecessor.

Your tenure shall not be known for road resurfacing, in Jesus name.

From start to finish over a glass of Smirnoff (Lemon Twist) and Campari, this post was written out of the abundance of my immediate vexation; it was not well thought over or re-edited over and over…read and feel me