Monday, 30 March 2009

I Had A Horrible Night...

I had a horrible night yesterday. I got back quite fatigued from our local football club supporters meet (plus isiewu & Guinness) and refused to come down from my car. Got off a seemingly long phone call and rearranged into a more convenient sleeping position on the reclined passenger’s seat. Woke up by 1:27am in a cold with all my windows foggy and proceeded upstairs.

I was thirsty and had earlier drunk up the last bottle of water. Deciding it was healthy enough I opened and helped myself to some tap water and went straight to bed, giving in to the peace of my immediate environment, that it was already too late to turn on my very noisy generator.

It has been over seven nights since I saw NEPA light last in my house and the problem is not with our transformer. It apparently is some kind of communicable electrical fault from nearby transformers. After carrying out these pre-slumber activities in the penumbra, with some light from my phone, I lay on the duvet I had spread on the rugged floor and dozed off almost immediately.

I woke up and realised that I had been tossing and turning all night. The air was just too still for me to abide. I was in great discomfort. I tried unusual positions and all proved futile. The only consolation was that I didn’t wake up in a pool of sweat.

God was faithful enough and I made it to the morning alive. Seeing that daylight was already nigh, I dragged myself off the floor and stretched my back, then proceeded to perform my morning rituals unhurriedly, but this time with my personally provided power generating set on full blast.

I got to work 45 minutes late, 15minutes after the daily attendance register closed. I am not in the mood for work today (well, not like I ever am). I had a very angry weekend, thanks to my folks; they got me terribly upset Saturday night and I walked out on them and drove home. And opportunely ended the Saturday the night with some good energetic dozes of the Vitamin S from a 'social contact'.

I am getting very sleepy here but I will not fail to say mighty mighty thanks to all those that
voted for me. Princesa and Afrobabe beat me to the Hot & Sexy and the Most Stalked Blog categories (well, not like I was any match for them), but my voters for the Fire in my pants category are the real winners here, however, I did not get a gold plaque thus no pendants or bracelets for anyone.

But you can all have caviar and champagne at the NBA winner’s after-award-bash this weekend; see you at the ‘villa’.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Exit Grammyz Enter Oscarz

As trivial as this may seem, the naija bloggers awards have gone & done it, Baroque was nominated for three (3) awards…guys, I thought you could do better…(just kidding)…LOL…I am so excited, that I can’t stop blushing (it’s not that bad abeg, hahaha)…it is just thrilling that I am acknowledged by the congress on matters that I did not quite work towards…anyway, if I get the golden plaque, I will smelt it and make pendants & bracelets for all my voters…LMFAO...nevertheless though, I say a big thank you to all of you, especially that initiators of the NBA 2009…not just Toluwa, the smiling scorpion’s Sting & the faceless NaijaGirl…3 gbozaz (one per person) to y’all.

I was going to do a post on the wrongs done to our dear English language...I just didn’t want to over flog the dead horses on radio, I’d rather rub Planta on my Oxford sweetened cabin biscuit & drink Lipton yellow label tea.

Fellow Nigerians (nothing aggressively patriotic or slightly xenophobic meant)…if you have about 25minutes, watch this video;

Saturday, 14 March 2009

What Could She Want?

People, this time, I am running. She is stalking me. What she's looking to buy, I'm not looking to sell, & I dont want to fuck her.

My phone has been buzzing from endless text messages. She's telling me about how she's been feeling since the first day she saw me at the joint. She has only just grduated from Uni & helps with orders at the beer parlour offering local delicacies owned by her mother.

From the moment she got my number, she has been texting me on the daily about some feelings she's been having, & her wanting to be appreciated, & why I was not texting back, & how everyone's not appreciating her, & how she wants to be loved back, & why I am so mean, & how she calls me & I refuse to answer, & how she's sorry for talking to me like that & getting me upset, & how she will leave me alone, & how she wants to be a friend, & how she's broke, & how she doesn't want to be a pest, & how sex is not so important, & how you count 1 before 2...& so on, & so forth

She doesn't live very far away, & I know that the moment she enters my house, I might have to move out. If ever, she will have to be fucked at a motel. Amidst all of this, I have been silent. I decided on the 3rd text message from her that I did not want to fuck her anymore. She puts the x in drama, & the pain in my neck.

"I woke up this mornin discovrin dat u re an Igbo man n Yoruba land. Ibo men like to mk women feel tht they can survve w/out them but I was made2understnd tht a Yoruba man takes care of any woman he meets witout havn a relationshp with her. you seem very unusual, ve u ever been dictched tht u're so hard and nothin can touch you. I really wnt2knw why you act the way u do. pls reply, I need2 understand u. thanks"

What the fuck is that? Who the blazes sends this kind of text message? This is one out of a thousand...."You need to understand me? You must be having a laugh!" was the message I almost sent back, but I chose my ultimate weapon, SILENCE!

I am abit too stressed right now to abide her tantrums so I decide to speak & tell her, she was too young for me, I was not what she wanted
, & how sorry I am that I cannot fulfil her friendship requirement. What I am, that inconsistent customer is what I wish to remain.

Monday, 2 March 2009

Overgrown Bia-Bia & Other Tales

It’s been a while and I’ve not been able to coordinate myself to write a post.

A few things have been hovering and I’ve been pondering. I’ve been feeling very drowsy a lot lately, and that includes this moment. I wonder why. It feels like I have just popped some
mild prescription sedatives once I have had lunch. This is madness, I think I am pregnant.

I am getting sicker and most tired of this city Port Harcourt and want out, by any means possible, as it were. Is I too much to ask to have cinemas here? Infact, lets not go there. Abuja here I come.

In the past few weeks no doubt I have met some new people and had interesting times. I read a
book and sojourned to a far away country, even before my boss permitted, I was gone.

I haven’t gotten over the beauty of my friends house, where she lives with her husband, one of them is into exteriors and d├ęcor. What they have is a home. I'm getting mine soon.

I would love to drive a new
car but can’t quite spend that money at the moment. I have to move out of my house to where I will no longer share parking space. I have a home design in process; still thinking if I should include a pool. Got a bit of space. Any thoughtz?

I have lusted badly after someone I barely know. I thought those days were gone. It’s been not very easy being celibate, well not like I really am. I shagged an old flame without protection during the week. & it was good, sue me.

I want to go to the gym today. I think I have gotten out of shape. I was breathing very hard after jumping a few flights of staircase, maybe it was the cold. Anyway, thanks to that cold, my heat rashes are gone.

My fridge is empty. I have once again, and again, postponed my trip to the shops. If only there was an Tesco or ASDA or Lidl near my house, alas I have to swin traffic to get to Everyday Emporium, forget Park n Shop, they don’t have proper toothpaste or soap there.

I slept at about 2:30am last night, because I had taken a nap earlier. I was so horny I couldn’t resist the urge to do porn. Sadly, it made it worse. (of course I knew that was going to happen)

So much money have I been spending lately on call cards. Its like I run a pay as you go call centre.

I think I am loosing it. This pressure is too much. The pain in my left thumb has not subsided even after four weeks. I sprained it doing on sharp driving move like that, fuck that Aba bus driver.

Did I mention, I might be writing soon for a magazine, but I think they want me to do free work. I no go gree. God will vindicate them. LOL

I think I need a pedicure but I’m not yet ready to loose the this four week old beard yet.
Meanwhile, did you hear about Badderchic and Baroque? (Her last 4 posts) Don’t believe everything you read.