Tuesday, 11 November 2008

Sexy Miss Glade

Clad in a burgundy Roberto Cavalli shirt tucked neatly into my well ironed boot cut black Zara trousers on a hot Sunday afternoon , feeling cool. I was thinking, how some days in church can be so boring and how else we would know that the other days are not, besides my looking vainly at everything that showed an image of me, no matter how unclear.
I saw sweat streaks outside the area covered by my inner vest, so I increased the air-conditioning on more step the moment I got in the car. It was a really hot day although the sun seemed like it had found solace behind thick clouds.

Knowing the emptiness of my refrigerator and the resounding void in my stomach from the hunger tormenting my very existence, I thought about the several bouts of sex I was engaged in the previous night with the floozy I met at Ola’s party 3 weeks ago. I headed downtown to the big shop owned by some Lebanese looking Indians, parked carefully like I always do and walked in.

Strolling down the pastries section looking lustfully at the items on the shelves, I walked straight through to the cold food section, then I saw them, a very nice pair of bum bum, not too huge, not to flat. Perfect to back into me or to ram continuously into. I begged GOD to pardon me, as I was just coming from church.

Her navy blue top bared some skin on her lower back even as the blue denims held fast as they swung from side to side. I walked past her so I could see her face, and then she turned and looked at me. “Not bad”, I said to myself seeing that she looked as old as I would have not minded and that made me decide I was going to make the move if the opportunity came.

It seemed now like I was stalking her because even as I acted like I was paying her no mind, carrying on my shopping, we happened into the same sections at the same times. All the time no hellos. She seemed to have noticed because she moved a lot more gracefully now, looking every now and then at me.

I pushed my almost basket to the home section and she was right at the spot, I walked up right beside her, nodded a greeting and bent over to select my favourite from the colourful array of Air Wick flavours. I closed my eyes trying to remember which of these ones I hadn’t used before, but not before I saw her sniffing her hand, I opened my eyes and sneaked a peek at her.

She had pulled the cover open and sprayed Glade Air Freshener on her arm and was sniffing it. Oh my God! I was in shock. This things only happen on TV. Then she sniffed again. "This is not a fucking perfume bitch” I said to myself. GOSH. I was returning the other on the shelf, and she did it again. It was unbelievable watching her trying to make a choice from the different fragrances like she was in World Duty Free perfumery.

I closed my eyes and wished my friend Jubrin was here to share this with. What a moment to waste. I grabbed 2 bottles of liquor to reinforce my fast depleting alcohol bar at home then headed to the till, there she was again.

This is all she had in the basket, big Dettol, a bag of french fries, one Kit Kat bar and Glade Air Freshener Lavender.

At that point I imagined she might have been only trying to impress me, showing me she knew how to sample and test fragrances. Please I will rather give myself a blow job. Pass.

78 comments:

bArOquE said...

FIRST!!!...its been a while since i sat down within an hour and wrote something from beginning to end without getting up, even to piss...& be first again...LOL

SHUT UP HATER!!!

bumight said...

how can you be first? schew! move over jo!
FIRSTTTTTTTTTTT!
lmao @ sexy miss glade! obviously she was trying to look "cream" for you, you should have appreciated the gesture, rotflmao!

InCogNaija said...

things pple do to look or be cool! lmao!

Iwalewa McDaniels said...

I dont blame her. Some pple use the air freshener as a perfume.

Queen of My Castle said...

SMH...The title is quite catchy I must admit.

LMAO @ your preferring to give yourself a blow job. Too funny.

I love Roberto Cavalli. His style is the epitome of bold sexiness.

Buttercup said...

U really had me going till i reached the part where she sprayed it..WOW! I literally shook my head like that 'surprised' emoticon on yahoo messenger!

R u for real???

Shubby Doo said...

@baroque - i thought you said you didn't subscribe to this first rubbish!

Shubby Doo said...

do people do actually spray air freshner on themselves...how moronic...

p.s
rather give yourself a blowjob eh?...hmmm

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Thats exactly what you get when you leave me and start chasing other girls. Serves you right
Hisssssssss

NigerianDramaQueen said...

Men...
They have all in one gucci-prada-hermes-sexy women (no need to name any names)... and they go around staring at air freshner girls.
MERDE!

Miss Definitely Maybe said...

LMAO!!!!!
surely she could have sprayed it in the air???
I was with you until you started talking about 'rather give myself a blow job'
dude u dont fool us what guy will pass up a chance of sex any sex???

FFF said...

Lawd have mercy!!!! u need 2 see how my eyes widened wen u said she sprayed airfreshner on her wrist. like WTF!!!!! now, am going to start suspecting everyone who remotely smells of airfresher of d same crime. dammit. nice job. really nice. but it is a short story u were writing, best to end it wen she was spraying d airfreshner ... 4 better shock effect.

bArOquE said...

@bumtight, appreciate what? i have used Lavender before & i'm not a fan...creme de la cream

@incognaija, no be small oh, the things people do

@iwalewa, are you serious? do you know any?

@QOMC, your description of Rob (yes, we're on first name basis) was spot on...

@buttercup, i can imagine your head shaking like that rubber bull-dog...LMFAO...this is first hand jist oh, REAL

@shubbydoo, shey its because you missed the first position abi...& yes i dont subscribe, but this is my blog naa...apparently so, people do spray air freshener on themsleves

@NDQ, my rebound sweetie...but you no gree gimme the green light, now you complain...btw, is staring a crime?...abeg, come make i hold you joo, no vex

@missdefmaybe, yes oh, i'm willing to try the blow-job stunt...meanwhile, where's this chance of sex you're speaking about?...for the records sha, i cant do bad smells, even if she's Charlize Theron

@FFF, wrist good oh, she sprayed it on her arm...i thought the story was gonna be shorter...what made me write about it, was actually the content of her basket...see me see shock effect

Tyger said...

dude

holla out at me... miss you some...

okay let me go back and read this stuff

Naapali said...

Nice one, so you let such a trifling thing as her choice of fragrance stifle your enthusiasm?

Just...Toluwa said...

hahahahha...lmao! i would have laughed out loud if i had saw that!

being cool or "cream" is not for everyone...be urself goddamit! lol!

LusciousRon said...

Men and the way they respond to physical things. Good for you. At least she displayed her true self for you before you took her home.

I had a good laugh at the airwick on skin thing. You are not allowed to post first on you own post.

She only bought what she needed now.
So you will blow yourself? Send pictures abeg I want to give it to Guiness book of records.

bArOquE said...

@Tyger, are you still reading 'this stuff'?

@Dr.Napoleon, Napoleon, Napo, Naapz...how many times i call you? if you saw me with a girl that smelt of Glade Lavender, wont be be ashamed of me?

@Toluwa, believe me, laugh is the last thing you would think of doing...you'd just pray that she'd just stop

@luscious, take her home? which home, i hadn't even said hi yet? tell me, is it the book of records that's your concern, or the 'picture'?

ibiluv said...

she chop winch????????

that teaches u........

first impressions arent all shizzle!!!!!!!

OluwaDee said...

Lol!
U would rather give yourself a blow job.

D babe was only having a feel of d air freshener. Lol. What did u call her again???

miz-cynic said...

first on ur own post....pathetic!but u sabi yab sha. wetin the poor girl do u so. and u were scoping her before o....how easily she descended into the realms of chics u'd pass for a hand-job.eeyah.i can imagine how many bouts of sex u were hoping to have and how quikly it vanished to thin air.

NigerianDramaQueen said...

~Green light, purple lights, multi colored lights...I gave them to you all.I even promoted you in my books from rebound boo to blog boo.
Staring is not a crime, but if her choice of perfume had not interferred...enough about her. Come hold me.

NoLimit said...

lol!!!hee hee hee!!!lady was obviously tryna impress you!!!
Still laffing my head off...Great blog you have here!!!

Tyger said...

hehehehehehe
gosh

lmao takiti....

serves you right!

when you were busy looking at tight bums and "not so bad" faces!
lol

bArOquE said...

@ibiluver, she chop am oh...& thanx for the advice, i shall overlook her 1st impression...for all i know, she's got camphor in her bag

@oluwadee, oh yes she was oh...as i couldnt feel the air...what did you say i called her? LOL

@mizcynic, yes oh, how the 'mighty' hath fallen...& since you want to know what i was thinking,...her bending over holding the arm of my couch and me gaining full access from the rear...simple harmonic motion style

@NDQ, no talk lie oh...i for don fall you since naa...LOL...maybe, if she went for the one with Egyptian Musk Oil, we would have been singing a different tune now...abeg move closer joo

@limitless, she really did leave an impression...thanks for stopping by...next time i'm serving coffee, how do you like yourz?

@tyger, serves me right abi?...sounds like you know how my evening went...screwed over...pun intended!...

ablackjamesbond said...

Seriously Baroque...u r crayzee!

NoLimit said...

@ baroque...just black with no sugar and no cream thank you!!!

miz-cynic said...

simple harmonic motion.......interesting.....how does tht one go?wht is it with doggy style and guys sef.....me i think the fact tht u have to bend like u want to receive cane........*winks*for the woman can be quite demeaning.....but iguess...if she knows she's been very naughty....and deserves to be punished.......she wouldnt mind.

AlooFar said...

You'd rather give yourself a blow job? Damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!! That's so disturbing - lol.

rethots said...

....and the worst act to be committed by a babe (oops, or guy) is to try prove oneself to another.

Is it not know that one's worth (& substance) is unhidden? At least, as long as one is visible.

rethots said...

Short of which, now i remember.......... a colleague asked me to help him to get to the bank since i was strolling down the road during break.

On presenting the cheque to the lady (oops, teller), she looked me and said "excuse me, this cheque is extinct". Sorry? "i said this cheque is extinct".

Ouch! you mean i walked all the way for nothing? But then, what meant 'she' by the cheque was extinct?

Looked at the cheque and realised 'twas signed 2004 instead of 2008. Oops, so, signing a wrong date on a cheque makes it extinct?

My vocabulary was broadened by what not to say (oops...).

AlooFar said...

RE: I could have answered your "dicking" answer.

Unfortunately, I'm not a Belgian.

guerreiranigeriana said...

...ummm, wow!...from start to finish...from the description of your name brand outfit to the way you described the bum bum and the functions it could serve (backing into you or being rammed into continuously!!) to the silly girl spraying the freshner on herself!...wow...i can only laugh and shake my head...quite a story...

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

HE HE HE. WAL'OSHAME. LOL! EEYA so she put u off ay?. dats how it shuld be. u shuldnt be lookin anywhere else anyway. u gready bloke. wot u trynna say all of mi is not enuf 4 u??? haaa typical!!!
LOL!

na wa for miss glade ohh. which 1 is dat one again now? i cant even remember the last time i tester a perfume on my wrist that must av been wen i was 15 and my stuck-up aunt snapped at mi tellin mi i was tacky. now with glade it beats mi wot she might do. maybe shoot herself in the brain. lololol.

i just saw u're first to comment. gosh! baroque how low can u go. lolol. loser!!!!!!

Tales said...

an airfreshner?d babe no try mehn...

Jaguda said...

need to come back. enjoyed this. nice

Jarrai said...

LMAO!!! Are you for real...this is way too funny. Kinda sweet tho!!! she must have really wanted to impress you :)

How are you nways,its been ages

SOLOMONSYDELLE said...

that ending...

lol

bArOquE said...

@blak007, na true talk i dey yarn so oh

@nolimit, Caf or Decaf?

@miz-cynic, doogy is it oh, especially when the rear bumper is very pliable

@aloofar, i bet you want to watch me try the Belgian job

@rethotz, i want to believe you're talking about 'not proving yourself', in relationships...?

@gnaijana, thanks babe, i'm glad you loved it...

@lighty273%, i no see 10kobo of you, come be all of you? make me an offer i cannot refuse...meanwhile, howz you new house coming?

@tales, not at all, she no try

@jaguda, how u dey?

@jarrai, i've been good, up & about the West...whats been up wth you?

@solomonsydelle, what ending? abi you wanna help? LOL

NoLimit said...

Caf all the way!Decaf is weak excuse for coffee...eaawwwww(horrible taste at that!)

bArOquE said...

@Limitless, that makes us two but please dont describe coffee as having a horrible taste...its coffee man...

...right this moment, i'm half way into my cup...it is almost therapeutical

NoLimit said...

Ohh nooo how can I???I mean the decaf one...there's just something unnatural about the taste of decaf!...now give me a fresh cuppa coffee anyday and I can be as high as a kite! Hee hee!!!...but am not addicted to it o! ehen!

miz-cynic said...

how come i have this feeling u guys aint talking about coffee any more

Allied said...

Maybe she loves the scent of Lavander and she wanted to smell it do bad, she opt for glade.

I cant believe you pass her up for That!

Or Maybe, just maybe - it was a way for you to buy her a bottle of perfume.

Buttercup said...

Thanx for the book suggestion!

An update wud be lovely..maybe u've met a sexy insecticide sprayer..

bArOquE said...

@buttercup, you are CRAZEEEE...insecticide sprayer...might that be you?

@allied, perfume? she might as well have just bought the Air Wick refill for cars...After Tobacco LOL

@miz-cynic, e get the time you dey feel better thing? hehehe...na coffee oh

@nolimit, high as a kite huh? is there something you're not telling?

Jaja said...

Foolsih child being first on his blog!!

And youd rather give urself a blowjob.. what kind of mind do you have?

AnyaPosh said...

hahaha @ "Please I will rather give myself a blow job"... YUCK!!! gross

bArOquE said...

@Jaja, do you really want to search my mind?

@anyaposh, why dont i think its so YUCKY or GROSS...the look on their faces when they are at it doesnt tell me so

Buttercup said...

Haha not in this lifetime..or in the next..or in the next next..

darkelcee said...

Chei, she come spoil her fine girl? ewwwwwwwwwwwwww

sorry ehn. e go better

Vera Ezimora said...

Baroque, you're pathetic!! How can you be first on your own blog?? LOL

LOL @ Sexy Miss Glade. Who sprays air freshener on their wrist??? Yuck! I don't even like spraying it in the air sef. lol.

Original Mgbeke said...

LMAOOOO. Na wa o..so you just passed up on prime nyashing because she dey sniff air freshener. But the babe razz sef, who dey spray air freshener for hand? Hahahahahhaah
Baroque baby, you've been missed!

bArOquE said...

@buttercup, i didnt think so, not with those sexy pink lips of yourz...hmmmmmm

@darkelcee, e must better oh...thanks

@vera, is it because i beat you to the 1st position?...so, please if not the air, where do you spray your air freshener?...thought that was what it was meant for, as implieth the name

@u, you be correct authentic MGBEKE! which kind life? abeg which one come be prime nyashing again naa? how do yo behave?...LoL...btw, i don miss you too

Queen of My Castle said...

Hola Papi,

Como estas? Ven aqui y hagame. Soy muy bueno. Promento ;-)

Queen of My Castle said...

*prometo

badderchic said...

Shey you see what happens when you go and be scopin women in the store? psheeeew!

Instead of you to follow blogger. hehehehehe.

Tunda faya you! if you abuse me rubbish boi.

miz-cynic said...

@baroque-no comment!make i go face boo since dats all my mind is going 2.

bArOquE said...

@QOMC, mi dulce bebé, el flechazo es bastante malo, así que por favor no me hacen soñar con usted. Que puedo hacer cosas que sólo soñaba

billetes sólo nos separa

@badderchic, why d i think the estrogen has entered the wrong place...scoping your cousin...if there'z 'something' you want then fire on...we can share juices

@miz-cynic, good riddance...LoL

badderchic said...

I dont blame you, havent you heard of second third cousins? ehn? didnt Isaac marry his cousin Rachel? bullsit meen.

by the way, I know you want me....

LMFAO

miz-cynic said...

@baroque:-good riddance biii ti bawo...ki ni mo se?tht my dear baroque will now be saying good riddance to me and even abusing me on my own blog.....this one na typical case of from grace to grass o

bArOquE said...

@badder, 2nd cousin oshi...marry am naa...& you must be getting high on the thought of that abi?

@miz-cynic, which kind grace to gras business?...shey it must be about you...good riddance to facebook was what i meant

miz-cynic said...

@baroque-but we werent talking abt facebook.u lost me.

bArOquE said...

@miz-cynic, see your comment above...you spoke abt fb

badderchic said...

Me? it is you that I want to marry Baroque, kai even writing that got me airy. dayyum meen! lol

miz-cynic said...

Wasnt talkn facebook.said face my boo.boo as in d new guy

Lighty 'neferet' Kopearl said...

ha ha very funny. 'bout offer u cannot refuse.

the new house is doing mi good. oya update now!!!

Smaragd said...

Rotflmao! i am so laffing my head off! sexy miss glade indeed. u are not serious o.

Queen of My Castle said...

Should I start pricing tickets, my handsome mister?

Dreams have a way of becoming reality...


How are you?

Emeka Amakeze said...

May be she saw you as one of those that don't know the difference between air freshner and perfume.

bArOquE said...

@badderchic, chairlady, you dey find trouble oh!...you dey find trouble oh!...do like say you no hear

@miz-cynic, as for you, i'm not even saying a word

@lighty273, ...the offer naa? i go try update soon...when are you inviting me over?

@esmeralda, no be small thing oh...the girl was just wrong

@QOMC, please do, i have already...you never can tell...these things!!!

@mekus, see eh, i for just curse you now now, only that this is your first time here...with your scatter scatter hair, biko noo n'oche make i serve you coffee

miz-cynic said...

oga. just read ur comment on g-naija's blog abt the carnival...iv always wanted to attend...but i no know anybodi thr,thou a colleague offered me her cousin's house but.....i dont know. so how i go do accomodation.....pls gimme the lowdown....wen does it start.....wht do they showcase....wht are the fun things to do.

Buttercup said...

Oh yea..me n my sexy pink lips....btw, u've been tagged, check my blog for details!

bArOquE said...

@miz-cynic...check your blog

@buttercup, i will check it out, meanwhile you, swing back this way & drop your one word

exschoolnerd said...

lol at emeka's comment...abi she took one look at u and prolly tot this one doesnt know air freshner from perfume...

serves u right for being an ashewo...plus only paedophiles still use the word (bum bum)


give urself a blowjob?!?!? i always knew there was sumthing real freaky about u!!!

bArOquE said...

@XSN, anytime i see you plump face, i unconsciously picture your behind & considering its likely suppleness it can only be best described as 'bum-bum'

MPB said...

Ha ha love your blog and this post cracked me up.

theicequeen said...

lmfao!!!! you lie! you lie! tell me this didn't happen?

damnnnnnn!!!

wussssssssssup? i read the entire first page o..will come back and read more...mishd youuuu