So Far So Good

Nothing like a Nollywood runaway success, this one seems like it’s going to have a very non anticlimactic ending. The year 2009 I speak about, however I can only speak for myself. There were quite a lot of achievements to make up for the under achievements. The makeup and breakups, the additions and subtractions, the deaths and lives, the divisions and multiplications, the omissions and commissions, the ups and downs, the bliss and the fury, the commitments and indifference, the adventures and misadventures.etc

I have been far from good and have learnt more about the man that I am, I make no boast yet I say I was there and did that. I might not be feeling on top of the world presently or be in the best of moods but I am heartily thankful to Almighty God for all his goodness and faithfulness towards me. To say the least, He’s simply awesome.

The past few days has had me winding down on a very low key. No black market petrol , no generator hullaballoo, no mad PH drivers blaring horns, no stale air, no touts enforcing non-existent traffic laws or trying to jump drivers in the middle of traffic.

For almost a week, I have been in the place where my ancestors found their roots, literally chilling under blankets, browsing the internet or watching movies, and being catered to hopelessly by the women in my life. I am savouring this period of not having to spend money daily just to get by. You should expect nothing less when a little over an hour away from the so-called Garden City of Port Harcourt lies my humble hometown with almost 24hour uninterrupted power supply with almost no traffic and such city madness, all year round.

One other interesting note is how I can live under the same roof with my father and avoid him like we were married to the same husband. He sure knows how to get under my skin, so it’s best this way.

This post was intended to relay to you my rest in the past few days and thanksgiving to God Almighty for giving me the opportunity to reflect and understand his kindness to me amidst all. I wish you all a very swell ending to 2009 and a very happy and prosperous brand new 2010, even as your souls propereth.

Your 2cents For My 92million

Take note, the question doesn’t say ‘what would you LIKE TO do”

~

With or without much ado, what are the first 5 things you would do if you won GBP92m as in, Ninety-Two Million Pounds (£92,000,000)?

~

The thought makes we wanna just cum so feel free to clog my blog with your myriad of confusion too.

Will you fight the urge to slap your boss or his secretary?

Will you let the road rage hit the roof & ram into that bastard parked in the centre of the road?

Will you take off all your clothes & run outside?

Will you finally throw that party just to find out what Ace of Spades tastes like?

Would you give 10% in tithe to your local church?

Road Rage

The way people drive in this country Nigeria is driving me mad. Why on earth cant you make that turn without driving through my own lane, are you out of your mind? When I drive straight up to your bumper, you proceed to insult me wondering if I didn’t see you. "What nonsense, drive on your own lane you bastard”.

Taxi and bus drivers should all be arrested and shot in the head. We can do better without their nuisance. There’s no reason on earth these bus drivers have to wait for you to pass in front of them. “For Pete sakes the line ahead of you is not moving so why have you blocked the damn road?” As for the taxi drivers that stop right on the road whenever they feel like, should have their throats slit right there on their drivers seats. ”Bloody native goats”.

Who issued these people licenses? More like, where did these people buy their licenses? The sign simply says Reverse Parking Only, yet you do the exact opposite and park right before the sign. Are you from Hades or you simple can’t read? The idea is so that when you are leaving you do not back up into the road. Was that too hard to figure?

It is rush hour and we are all trying to get to work early. This woman drives unto the main road like her father built it and conveniently drives at 20km/h ahead of us all. We must really be that bored to have left our houses without destinations. After blaring horns like we were driving cattle we finally overtake to see the bloody ignoramus doing her make up and driving at the same time, assuming she was not on the phone at the same time.

Men and women that we would have readily called normal human beings, have their seat belts strapped on but have their kids standing on the front seat or playing at the back, up there by the rear speaker. All merry and very unstrapped. I may love children but if the death of one or two in their parents cars would teach us that lesson, the so be it.

There is no day I get behind the steering that I don’t curse vehemently. It is driving me nuts seeing this rubbish in different forms every damn day. I maintain that we’re not having our fair share of road mishaps; it will bring me great joy if people learned these lessons, preferably, the hard way.

Causes & Effects

In an attempt to work myself out some muscles, the 2 hours intensive cardio & weight training session has rendered me a pack of aching muscular bundles still covered with layers of fat.

The spread duvet on the ground which I slept on all night made me feel like a mass of flesh that had rapidly rolled down the sides of the Mambilla Plateau.

I know that in a little while, it will all go away but for now, if this is the punishment I must serve for being away from the gym in 2months, then so be it.

I must loose some weight and regain some sexiness.

For all its worth, I have to brave it and face this mission and its assumed masculinity with all I’ve got.

Please Note: This is for lack of a better post.

H O M E C O M I N G H A R A N G U E

It didn’t work when I tried to wriggle out of my being. I am in TOO DEEP.
I confined myself within to SHUT THE WORLD out, all to no avail
The time I spent in the west was well spent vigour, and MONEY too
Once again, the orderliness as consistent as always, spoke volumes
She made manifest, the yawning gap between them, and our alleged DEVELOPING one
The development that seems to take five steps backwards for every two AND A HALF forward
My eyes burn, my head aches, my skin crawls, my toes squirm and MY FIST tightens
Every so often I curse out loudly at MYSELF, for it has reverberated on my wound up windows
If only my Canon Digital SLR was an AA-12 combat shotgun, I would point and KILL
The success a REBRANDED state might be hinged on the DEMISE of most of you
Your leaders are more concerned about HOW YOU DRESS than your getting an EDUCATION
I am ENCOURAGED to seek solace in my remuneration for I am bereft of job satisfaction
I’m turning in my military hardware for AMNESTY is nigh and TIME is of the essence
It is only we who can fight for us so pray allow me to CRY my own CRY

Blogsville Today

I've been a blogger for just a little above 2 years. There were some bloggers that made blogsville worth the while for me a newcomer. Some of them are still around, others are gone, it's for them to say if for good.

Others have rebranded missions and intents because certain elements have infected & poisoned them with insults, unswerving and insinuated. Did I even hear that some that met here have gotten married, or were they already a thing before they started blogging?

Interesting.

If I said I was leaving blogsville, for good, i know not, would any of you ask me not to? And why?

Right now, I am not sure if I’m feeling this space anymore...

Last Weekend

Friday Night;
Long Drives & Bumpy Wet Roads
More Bad Road & Rivers To Cross
Free Parking & News Café
Loud Music & Uncool Backup
Expensive Alcohol & Some Laughs

Early Saturday Morning;
Airport Runs & Distant Car Parks
Cash Points & Travelex Disappointment
Local Forex Abokis & Mysterious N5k Loss

Rain & More Rain

Saturday Afternoon;
Deep Sleep & Its 1600hrs
Awakened To Mad Starvation
Hook Ups & The Sumptuous Eba & Edika Ikong
Guinness & Smokes

Saturday Night;
Long Bridge Drives & More Rain
Radio Station Tour, Classic & New
Good Chatter & Mad Laughs
Mohito with No Ice & Lovely Lagoon View
Bridges Crossed To Deep Slumber

Sunday Morning;
Early Morning Drives & Drop Off Zones

Warm Duvet & Slumber Part II
Midday Flight & Early Check In

PH, The Garden City
My Home Sweet Home

Now, What Does This Weekend Hold?
Yesterday Would Have Been Mad Fun
But It Didn’t Happen
If Tomorrow Comes
Let Her Speak For Herself

I Hope This Weekend Is Better Then The Last One
However, Let It Be Golden For You All

Have You Ever...?

Stolen Anything: Of Course I Have, & I Was Good At It
Been Drunk Before Noon: High, Yes, But Not Drunk
Had Sex In A Public Place: Twice Same Night!
Got Caught Telling A Lie: Who Hasn’t?
Been Arrested: Got To The Station & Managed To Talk My Way Out Of It
Littered: Well, Before the Idiagbon Era
Fantasized About A Co-Worker: & The Fact She Was Married Didn't Help Matters
Cheated On A Test: It Depends On What You Want To Do With The Result
Cheated In A Relationship: Do You Really Want Me To Answer That?
Failed A Class: Never. Come To Think Of It, I Was Almost Always Top 5
Screened Your Phone Calls: It Was the Last Resort
Eaten Food Off The Floor: Still Do, If Biscuits Count
Stuck Gum Under A Desk: Are You Mad? Who Hasn’t
Wished You Were Someone Else: I’m Thinking, ...Michael Jackson?
Cried During A Movie: Getting Teary Eyed Is Not Quite Crying, Is It?
Had A One Night Stand: What Do You Take Me For, A Saint?
Had To Pull Over On The Side Of The Road To Puke?: No, Not At All. It Never Gets That Bad
Had Your Heart Broken?: ...& I Still Don’t Know What I Did To Her
Had A Good Feeling About Something?: Common, I’m Not That Pessimistic
Had A Near Death Experience: Yup, I Think I Have Died Once.
Swam In Freezing Water: Not Had The Luxury Of Scuba Diving At Meteorite Bay
Jumped Off A House: abi Horse? Anyway 2years Ago, For the Heck Of It, I Jumped From My 1st Floor Balcony & Bruised My Ankles
Been Attacked?: At Least, Once...My Assailant(s) Didn't Like What He/They Got
Bungee Jumped: The Price Is Yet To Be Right
White Water Rafted: Like I Know What That Means
Pulled An All Nighter?: What a Question...*hiss*
Surfed: I'm Not Even Interested
Lied About Your Age: Well, She Might Not Have Fallen If She Knew She Was 6years Older?
Broken A Bone?: NEVER & Never Will, In Jesus Name

Futile Wrangle by LVMH & Jimmy Choo

“Women!” we all chorused in the middle of his story

He continued
After he had introduced and explained himself to the attendant, she brandishes a pair of silver coloured shoes then he enquired to confirm what the price was
“Sir, its sixty-five thousand naira” the attendant replied
I don’t know what his reaction was but it definitely was one of surprise because he picked up his phone and called his fiancée, she confirmed it was sixty-five thousand naira and said thank you before he consented to anything.

“Sixty-five thousand naira ke? Is that meant to be chicken change, then how much was the dress going to cost?”
“Why you dey talk like that?” he started to ask me, “You mean you no get shoe wey reach 60k?”
“My broda, no vex, I no get” I replied

“Ah ah, I have shoes that cost more than that oh” another friend added hilariously

“Wait oh, so you mean say as you dey like this, you no get shoe wey reach 60k?” He interrogated me further
“As I dey like how? That one na achievement?”
“Wetin you dey carry all your money do?” he said
“Definitely not buy shoes that cost 60k”
“Ol boy take your money buy quality things, no dey mise1”
“Quality fire, see eh, there’s nowhere you’ll wear your 1million naira shoe to that I won’t wear my regular priced shoes to”
“How many shoes you get sef?” he continued
“This boy, are you alright?” I asked him, “Like it’s of any importance, I’ve got more shoes than I can wear at the moment” I concluded
“Come to my house and let me show you a room filled with shoes only, some I never even wear” he boasted arrogantly
“Crap, I don see shoes wey you dey wear; your taste no follow. Guy, you still wear Timberland boots to work, common, what are we talking about?” I added
“You know how much I buy the Timbs?” he questioned, “You say I have no taste, you think say na that suit you wear come Mark wedding on Saturday?”

I thought to myself with this irate sensation gradually creeping over me, my friend was going down the road of being quite petty and I was not going to let him get me cheap.

“Gosh, you’re so unbelievable, ok na, lets get down to it, yes, my suit might not have been the best at the wedding but it sure was a perfect fit, but make we talk about the one you wear, considering the size, did you buy it for half a million naira?” I quizzed in utmost mockery.
“See this guy oh, I bought that suit two weeks ago in Italy for over five hundred Euros” he said pompously
“You had the opportunity to do the shopping yourself and all you could get was papa-dash-me? Ol boy, you yab, maybe if it was your size, it would have cost far less, ever heard of the word bespoke?” I said laughing
“Call am anything you like, but no wear that your rubbish suit again” he advised
“I gree, maybe your suit was a million Euros but take it from me, it didn’t look good on you. You looked like one OMATA guy, the fucking suit was oversized, mister. You were lost in it”

Luckily, someone interrupted, saying something about us being immature, (which honestly I agree). Moreover it seemed like it was going to be an endless spat and might likely get out of hand. We changed topics for the love of the game and proceeded to glug down the rest of the Hennessey that lay in wait unwearyingly.

The night ended on a merry note after the ship from the port had offloaded its consignment into our hands.

Is It A No Win Situation?

This issue is currently facing my family unit and I, it has been like a torn in my flesh for ages now. There was a time I thought I had it resolved but alas it is here again. Is this how we shall continue to live? I am on the verge of doing something drastic, but the last time I did, I lived to regret it, although I confess I had fun doing it.

I am having a hard time combing my bush and yet you say you want to grow one. Every other morning in the bathroom despite the rush hour, I take out time to apply head & shoulders shampoo and wonder why I never remember to buy a detangler. The other day, I had a comb with me and I combed out the afro looming beneath. Dried it, I combed it again and it looked, felt and smelt nice.

Alas, I couldn’t keep up with the routine so I have thus abandoned it to breed on its own without guidance. Now it is locked in a much untended manner. In my spare time, I use my fingers to untangle it and it more than necessary, turns out to be quite unpleasant leading to the introduction of the second hand for freedom. The twists and turns, stings and bites I suffer when I force them to unlock from the finely formed bond they have created with each other is something to write home about (as I have just done).

Sometime in the past while I was serving my nation, I proceeded on a certain action I call drastic and applied shaving powder, magic hair remover.

In a few minutes, I was clean like a baby, groin, sides, crotch and entire under all-encompassing. About a week later, it came to pass that I could barely walk; it felt like I had been attacked by a million and one termites, this specie of termites was called stubble.

Let your imagination go there. I couldn’t quite take a walk without having to stop and adjust my sac of jewels and rod of life, and then readjust again and again. It was an almost hopeless situation but for dusting powder, and the fact that my roommate was suffering a similar predicament.

Now, the dilemma is to shave or to trim, I am armed with a pair of scissors and clippers, but I have found not the time or space to execute the rescue mission. In a few days I will however, take this bull by the horns.

On the side, I wouldn’t terribly mind, a willing female stylist to engage me in a private shaving exercise, with of course a happy ending. Feel free to suggest, volunteer or nominate, or kuku apply in person.

Sometime Ago...

I didn’t read a book; I wasn’t writing one either
I slept in hotels; 5 star and no star inclusive
I flew in airplanes too frequently; some for no reason
There were countless paparazzis; I felt like Daniel Craig
It was scorching hot; I sweated like a Sallah ram
Planning was mismanaged; I was disenchanted
She had long smooth brown legs; Her number should be 36
I lay down on the floor and I got teary eyes
I read my comments with no time to reply
I made, moved and cancelled bookings
The blue monochrome was not a terrible outfit
I borrowed money and I wish I did not have to
I drove a 2009 model and wished it was mine
I had endless airtime & held my phone tightly
My moment of celibacy was not by choice
I felt it all, the joy and the pain
I am here now and I have mixed feelings

This Is Not A Rant

This is not a rant; I have said this before now

I would like to hear an audible reply when I speak to you

I would rather not repeat myself over & over

Mumbles and animal-like grunts won’t do

Once said is enough if you are wise

This is not a rant; don’t say you were not warned

I ask a question and you draw a blank

I can’t remember us having a fight

So I enquire if I was in soliloquy

Beware, no one plays that game better than me

This is not a rant, nor is it me being wild or impassionate

Absentmindedness is not a state of mind; it is a state of no mind

If you can get lost in your thoughts, so can I

Even children call out salutations, & you are not a newborn

I will not say this a third time, I will soon tit you for your tat

This is not a rant; and should not be seen as one

I detest it when you act like you are been cheated

We are two variables & this is not an equation

You will learn to do it yourself or pay the price

Forget your tears; it won’t help you this time

This is not a rant; I will not say it again

Lazy Meme

What is your name: Baroque (I bet you knew that already)
A four Letter Word: boob
A boy's Name: Bassey
A girl's Name: Boma
An occupation: Brick-layer
A colour: Black
Something you'll wear: Briefs
A food: Babeena (children love babeena, olden days NTA)
Something found in the bathroom: Bare nyash
A place: Backyard
A reason for being late: Bathing for too long
Something you'd shout: Bastardo!!! (esp @ senseless PH drivers)
A movie title: Blue Velvet
Something you drink: Breast Milk (at least I tasted it in recent times)
A musical group: Boys II Men
An animal: Bingo
A street name: Bourdillon, Ikoyi (I must buy a house on that street, God knows.LOL)
A type of car: Bentley (I must park it in my Bourdillon house)
The title of a song: Big Girls by MIKA

I AM BACK!!!

One Thing or the Other

Weekend & More
Tarmac sprint & Coco’ed Luggage

Turbulence & Potholes
Lasgidi & Things

Airports & Forty-Fours
Cabs & ‘Shako for Mummy’

Plans & Cancellations
30% Alcohol & Menthol Lights

Magazines & Sleepovers
T-Shirts & Upcoming Designers

Air-Conditioning & Standing Fans
Handkerchiefs & Duvets

Traffic & PHCN
iPhones & Portraiture

Feet & Bikes
Bow Ties & Fuchsia

Laughter & some Tears
MUSON Centre & Car parks

More Pictures & Paparazzi
Some High Spirits & Small Chops

Perspectives & Depth of Fields
Late Night Noodles & Fried Yam

Jokes Much & Banana Island
Exquisite & Exotic

Aircrafts & Cars
Atlantic & Nigeria

PHCity & Egusi Soup
Monday & Gloomy

I Had A Horrible Night...

I had a horrible night yesterday. I got back quite fatigued from our local football club supporters meet (plus isiewu & Guinness) and refused to come down from my car. Got off a seemingly long phone call and rearranged into a more convenient sleeping position on the reclined passenger’s seat. Woke up by 1:27am in a cold with all my windows foggy and proceeded upstairs.

I was thirsty and had earlier drunk up the last bottle of water. Deciding it was healthy enough I opened and helped myself to some tap water and went straight to bed, giving in to the peace of my immediate environment, that it was already too late to turn on my very noisy generator.

It has been over seven nights since I saw NEPA light last in my house and the problem is not with our transformer. It apparently is some kind of communicable electrical fault from nearby transformers. After carrying out these pre-slumber activities in the penumbra, with some light from my phone, I lay on the duvet I had spread on the rugged floor and dozed off almost immediately.

I woke up and realised that I had been tossing and turning all night. The air was just too still for me to abide. I was in great discomfort. I tried unusual positions and all proved futile. The only consolation was that I didn’t wake up in a pool of sweat.

God was faithful enough and I made it to the morning alive. Seeing that daylight was already nigh, I dragged myself off the floor and stretched my back, then proceeded to perform my morning rituals unhurriedly, but this time with my personally provided power generating set on full blast.

I got to work 45 minutes late, 15minutes after the daily attendance register closed. I am not in the mood for work today (well, not like I ever am). I had a very angry weekend, thanks to my folks; they got me terribly upset Saturday night and I walked out on them and drove home. And opportunely ended the Saturday the night with some good energetic dozes of the Vitamin S from a 'social contact'.

I am getting very sleepy here but I will not fail to say mighty mighty thanks to all those that voted for me. Princesa and Afrobabe beat me to the Hot & Sexy and the Most Stalked Blog categories (well, not like I was any match for them), but my voters for the Fire in my pants category are the real winners here, however, I did not get a gold plaque thus no pendants or bracelets for anyone.

But you can all have caviar and champagne at the NBA winner’s after-award-bash this weekend; see you at the ‘villa’.

Exit Grammyz Enter Oscarz

As trivial as this may seem, the naija bloggers awards have gone & done it, Baroque was nominated for three (3) awards…guys, I thought you could do better…(just kidding)…LOL…I am so excited, that I can’t stop blushing (it’s not that bad abeg, hahaha)…it is just thrilling that I am acknowledged by the congress on matters that I did not quite work towards…anyway, if I get the golden plaque, I will smelt it and make pendants & bracelets for all my voters…LMFAO...nevertheless though, I say a big thank you to all of you, especially that initiators of the NBA 2009…not just Toluwa, the smiling scorpion’s Sting & the faceless NaijaGirl…3 gbozaz (one per person) to y’all.

I was going to do a post on the wrongs done to our dear English language...I just didn’t want to over flog the dead horses on radio, I’d rather rub Planta on my Oxford sweetened cabin biscuit & drink Lipton yellow label tea.

Fellow Nigerians (nothing aggressively patriotic or slightly xenophobic meant)…if you have about 25minutes, watch this video; http://video.google.com/videosearch?q=obasanjo+hard+talk&emb=0&aq=f#