Rantings IV

Who the hell are these guys on radio, (Rhythm 93.7FM) that probably entered airplanes for the first times in their lives when they started working yet speak with accents that have no roots? The collective enunciation bears a semblance with a crossbreed of Mauritania and Afghanistan? Do they think they are Americans because overnight they learnt how to use the word, “holla” in a sentence?

Z

What is the justification for driving like a senseless bastard, breaking traffic laws and running other drivers off the road, simply because you have Army officers as passengers?

Z

Why can’t NEPA understand that after a hard-day’s work, we want to come back home and just chill? Sometimes, do nothing fantastic but utilize the simple basic appliances we own, such as our whirlpool bathtubs, washing machines, massage chairs, oops sorry for the mix up, I mean, televisions, air conditioners, and electric kettles.etc. For as long as I can remember, I have not been able to understand why we have power outages in NIGERIA, (Giant of Africa, my ass). It kills me every single time the light goes out. Why the hell did they just take the light. Is this a zoo?

Z

When is the Rivers State Government going to rid our streets of these damn beggars, especially the ones that assault we drivers with pictures of old sores/fresh looking wounds or most times the actual patients displaying their decayed/decaying sores embalmed with gentian violet?

Z

Why do these people that think because they call me Sir, they can just wake up one day and relay their problems to me in search of financial solutions. Strangers, as far as I am concerned, whose surnames I can’t know or even bother to. Call me mean but when I don’t have, I DON’T HAVE.

Right now, I’m not particularly excited about anything, so I will pause here. To be continued shortly.

My A to Z

To all the bloggers who obliged me with their ONE WORDS...I remain exceedingly thankful

Alpha Romeo, too fast, too furious, too expensive
Bubbling with my new irrepressible feeling of positivity
Celibacy is to Gay Bishops as Masturbation is to Ex-Presidents
Deosculate, Angelina Jolie
Ego kneaded with a little sweet almond oil won’t kill anyone
Fuck, strictly vaginal
Goat, knife, water, salt, pepper, onions, spices, scent leaves, udder...& of course maggi cubes
Haolefication, Dr. Napoleon’s malicious attempt to mystify me with Haitian hula tricks
Iridescent, buy a new television and stop slapping the sides
Juvenileness, Remand Home, Abeokuta
Karma, back to sender
Lunatic, Rear Admiral Harry Olufemi Arogundade
Minds Eye, if only...
Nipple, the harder the better
Orgasmic, climax doesn’t always feel like
Phoenix might just be my uniquely remarkable self
Quality of life by Kellogg’s Credit Crunchies
Razzness, damn right practical and realistic
Sexagenarian, free medical services at UPTH
Time by Romain Jerome
Unorthodox Ultraclean Penetration, absolutely no need for protection
Virgin, Uncle Richie’s (Branson) brand
Woes and more unto NEPA
Xenophobia, unless maybe Lebanese and maybe Afghans...
Yummy, mumsy’s okazi soup with dry fish and snails
Zebra Crossing, No cars are passing, its just reality flashing

Your A to Z

I have been meaning to do a POST about NOTHING in particular but about ANYTHING and EVERYTHING under TWENTY SIX (26) headlines. I started it and couldn’t focus on ONE WORD PER LETTER hence I Ctrl-A, Del and proceeded to delete the file from my Blog folder.

Now I need all of you, at least twenty six (26), to drop ONE WORD comments here in ALPHABETICAL ORDER, starting (of course) from A, with words that you want as sub-topics. It is one word per alphabet PLEASE. Say no more after your ONE WORD.

They may be any words, WHATEVER COMES TO MIND (simple or compound words) and I will write in few words my thoughts about it, maybe referring to me.

The only rules that apply are that the comments must be in alphabetical order, the FIRST ONE being an A word, such that the person with the 13th comment, writes one word that begins with the letter M.

And a little twist, ONE COMMENT PER PERSON.

In cases of MISTAKES, NON-COMPLIANCE or REPETITIONS, the less preferred one would be DELETED, possibly giving the 'COMMENTOR' another spot.

All rights to DISALLOW comments are reserved.

Sexy Miss Glade

Clad in a burgundy Roberto Cavalli shirt tucked neatly into my well ironed boot cut black Zara trousers on a hot Sunday afternoon , feeling cool. I was thinking, how some days in church can be so boring and how else we would know that the other days are not, besides my looking vainly at everything that showed an image of me, no matter how unclear.

I saw sweat streaks outside the area covered by my inner vest, so I increased the air-conditioning on more step the moment I got in the car. It was a really hot day although the sun seemed like it had found solace behind thick clouds.

Knowing the emptiness of my refrigerator and the resounding void in my stomach from the hunger tormenting my very existence, I thought about the several bouts of sex I was engaged in the previous night with the floozy I met at Ola’s party 3 weeks ago. I headed downtown to the big shop owned by some Lebanese looking Indians, parked carefully like I always do and walked in.

Strolling down the pastries section looking lustfully at the items on the shelves, I walked straight through to the cold food section, then I saw them, a very nice pair of bum bum, not too huge, not to flat. Perfect to back into me or to ram continuously into. I begged GOD to pardon me, as I was just coming from church.

Her navy blue top bared some skin on her lower back even as the blue denims held fast as they swung from side to side. I walked past her so I could see her face, and then she turned and looked at me. “Not bad”, I said to myself seeing that she looked as old as I would have not minded and that made me decide I was going to make the move if the opportunity came.

It seemed now like I was stalking her because even as I acted like I was paying her no mind, carrying on my shopping, we happened into the same sections at the same times. All the time no hellos. She seemed to have noticed because she moved a lot more gracefully now, looking every now and then at me.

I pushed my almost basket to the home section and she was right at the spot, I walked up right beside her, nodded a greeting and bent over to select my favourite from the colourful array of Air Wick flavours. I closed my eyes trying to remember which of these ones I hadn’t used before, but not before I saw her sniffing her hand, I opened my eyes and sneaked a peek at her.

She had pulled the cover open and sprayed Glade Air Freshener on her arm and was sniffing it. Oh my God! I was in shock. This things only happen on TV. Then she sniffed again. "This is not a fucking perfume bitch” I said to myself. GOSH. I was returning the other on the shelf, and she did it again. It was unbelievable watching her trying to make a choice from the different fragrances like she was in World Duty Free perfumery.

I closed my eyes and wished my friend Jubrin was here to share this with. What a moment to waste. I grabbed 2 bottles of liquor to reinforce my fast depleting alcohol bar at home then headed to the till, there she was again.

This is all she had in the basket, big Dettol, a bag of french fries, one Kit Kat bar and Glade Air Freshener Lavender.

At that point I imagined she might have been only trying to impress me, showing me she knew how to sample and test fragrances. Please I will rather give myself a blow job. Pass.

Whateva Men

Pardon my saying, but women can just all be the same, in a manner of speaking. If I tell you that truthfully, as I speak, I can stay faithful to that one woman, I tell a lie.

Let it not be said however that I am embracing evil, no I am not, I am only facing my reality, as it may seem. The best I can say that I will stick my head out and try not to cheat.

I wish I felt differently but I don’t. I might, when I have the time to, tell you all about this, but I earnestly doubt if that will ever happen. Most likely, tomorrow I will feel different but this is how I feel today.

By the way, my birthday comes up soon; (yes, I’m a real Scorpio, unlike Queen, my blog crush) I should be back in naija then, hopefully. And I’m gonna be doing lots of champagne with close friends. Guys only.

Cheers everyone

No Title Here

9:42am
Phone rings, playing the familiar ring tone. I answer smiling. It was Omo, my friend, from Fall In, Walk Out of Love, who got married in April.

Baroque: Ol boy how far?
Omo: I dey oh, you dey work abi?
Baroque: How I go do na? na office I dey
Omo: Guy, I dey house. I just receive bad news

Without any real worries, I ask

Baroque: Wetin happen?
Omo: Tenny is dead!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Atubaby brother, Tenny don die!
Baroque: Eh?
Omo: Ol boy, me sef I tire
Baroque: Eh? Abeg, which kind rubbish talk be that?
Omo: Asthma attack
Baroque: Asthma attack? In this 2008?
Omo: Something about say them give am overdose or say na wrong medicine them give am when the thing being don pass wetin inhaler for do
Baroque: Overdose? of wetin?
Omo: Me, I no know oh
Baroque: I never understand oh. Tenny wey just get work for Mobil, wey we suppose drink for Eket, say him don die?
Omo: My brother, na so we see am oh. Atubaby say e get as her body dey do her
Baroque: Abeg, make she relax! How her body dey do her?
Omo: She say, why them go call me to tell me say her brother dey sick. Why them no call her?...She dey sleep right now sha

Atubaby is Omo’s very lovely wife who is 7 months pregnant.
Feeling very surprised and upset now, I ask out loud

Baroque: Which kind wahala be this na? YOU MEAN SAY SHE NO KNOW?
Omo: My brother, Nta dey here sef. We no know where to put leg.

Nta is another close mutual friend, in whose house Omo is staying while he’s place is being prepared. Heaving and exhaling deeply I mutter

Baroque: Make una see trouble oh
Omo: I just spoke with Showboy, he says I should come over so we can make arrangements & bury him next weekend

Showboy is Tenny's immediate younger brother just before Atubaby.
Realizing they we were already considering dumping his body in the ground and covering it up. I ask with some real hope

Baroque: Guy, wait oh, ARE THEY SURE? Them sure say him don die?
Omo: Na the same question I ask oh
Baroque: Make them check whether him just faint or na coma him dey. Make them try wake am oh, make e no be mistake

We both laughed

Omo: Well, my brother, make I dey here dey think my life. As I don spoil your morning so, make I leave you. Make you follow me see as the thing be
Baroque: I go call you later na, I don weak. Anyway, I need to submit one technical bill to my boss now now for operations meeting. The man dey give me heat
Omo: Guy, later

Call Ended
9:44am

Please how do you tell your 7 months pregnant wife that her elder brother, one she’s close to, is dead?

1st October 1960...& beyond

As we commemorate with the fatherland (abi na motherland?), we pray to & beseech Almighty GOD for

Righteousness
Wisdom
Understanding
Morality
Ethical Dealings
National Reformation
Resource Management Skills
Debt Free Living
Vision
Educational Superiority
Cultural Blessings
Financial Authenticity
Technological Advancement
Security
& Self Sustenance

…Peace, Love and Progress for our Beloved NAAAIIIIIJJAAH

48 GBOZAS for our Great NIGERIA!!!

LONG LIVE THE FEDERAL REPUBLIC OF NIGERIA

pReviEw

He started thrusting unhurriedly until he noticed the look on her face and heard her sniff. For all he cared she could cry herself a river. Like he told her he had crossed the point of no return. They changed positions so as to gain more access then hit a home run. He leaned over to ask what the matter was then she started with all the, 'I told you to stop' shit. Almost feeling bad, he wore my pyjamas, went to the living room and poured himself a drink...

Closed Chapter

It has been quite a challenge for me to get back where I was with you
Your attitude triggered me to loose patience and it is all gone now
I solicit within, pondering if you really knew what it was I felt for you
The actuality that it was not reciprocal cannot be over-emphasized

I was open with my thoughts and feelings and it only caused me hurt
I allowed it because there is no self-defence when it comes to love
You broke me; you made me feel like shit, utterly wasted
I could not concentrate on anything anymore besides loosing weight

I keep asking myself what went wrong. Was it me, was it you or us both?
Was I too much in a hurry? Maybe I rushed you
Maybe you really did not want me but was only giving it a chance
But that chance I never got because you only had to be understood

You never believed in the success of this association
It could not be me because you alone decided I was not good enough for you
Maybe not prim or proper enough to want to join the upper class struggle
I could not give you the value of love you wanted, least of all, la vie

Maybe I cut your air supply and you thus snuffed out your ability to call for space
I was in your face with insinuations of nuptials and it was too much for you
You were wrong in many more ways than I am willing to say
Let it not be my pride speaking, so I accept my faults and retain my sanity

I was in love with you and it was all about you, I forgot about me
But now I have picked myself up and I am stronger

Yours is a chapter I have closed and shall endeavour to not remember

I'm Slipping

I hear your voice in my head, simply mellifluous

I can see sparkly white teeth smiling at me with chuckles

Sniggers I hear, as you call my name, laughing as we yarn

Its snug geniality calms my profoundly hurting soul

I think I’m falling for this voice in my head

I have images in my mind though not so apparent

Are you a castle in Spain abiding only in my thoughts?

Or a certainty from the other end of the line

I know I like what I hear, and from what I’ve heard

It is better than I might imagine but not can

You have possessed the inmost nooks of my mind

This voodoo has got to be halted

Random Meme

- Baroque’s version –

Someone invented this (on nairaland.com) and I borrowed & edited it without permission

Your favourite childhood memory – Have you seen my childhood?
Wash your face or rinse you mouth, which do you do first in the morning – Piss
The scariest moment of your life - A N1 coin fell down my throat & got stuck
One word that best describes you – crazysexycool (that’s one word where I come from LOL)
Your favourite month of the year – December
Your favourite number - 1,000,000 (esp in cash)
The nicest thing anyone ever said to you – that I didn’t have to change to be loved by anyone
Current relationship status – in between, on the verge…go figure
What exactly are you wearing right now – pyjamas down & slippers only
What is your current problem - Whether to commit or not
What do you love most - Sex, Music and God
If you could go back in time and change anything, what would it be? Whatever it was that kept Nigeria like this
If you MUST be an animal for ONE day, what would you be? A female black widow spider
Name an obvious quality you have – Razzness
Are you musically inclined? Like my life depended on it
The name of the song that's stuck in your head right now – I Heard Love Is Blind, Amy Winehouse
Name someone with the same birthday as you – Ify
Do you have a crush on someone? - I dunno think so, I just wanna ‘do’ her badly
Have you ever been in a fight? Of course, even if it was not for change
What is the first thing you notice about the OPPOSITE sex? Her teeth
One of the biggest mistakes you’ve made – taking a break from Ebony
What do you think about prostitutes? – If the men didn’t patronise them they wont be
Say something very random about you? …I’m doing it again…
Your favourite part of your body – My hair
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celebrity? Yup
Are you comfortable with your height? Yes
What is the most romantic thing someone has ever done for you? people are not that nice
What is your favourite smell? Impossible to tell, got a million fragrances
Have you ever been rushed to the emergency room? Never even slept in a hospital
Why are you answering all these questions? Nothing to blog about

Before you comment, know that you have just been tagged. Do yours & let me know

All Eyes On Him

He can feel the eyes peering into his back, slightly prodding his nape to keep looking forward, chin up, don’t swing your arm like a girl, stop raising your chest like a bouncer and for goodness sakes don’t trip over a stone or walk into a lamppost.

He always dressed up for not only the ladies but the guys too, it had to be said or thought by all and sundry that he looked good, better still smelt nice too.

He could tuck in his shirt a gazillion times within the 8 working hours of the day, or for as long as he had to have it on. At age 10, in elementary school, he won the award for the tidiest boy, he would always, undo his belt to tuck his shirt in properly, even on the corridors, it was a helpless ritual. Thanks to his mum, it has followed him to today. He would excuse himself to use the bathroom because he wanted to be sure he was in order, and couldn’t understand why guys would not notice that their shirts were jumping out. For the records, he hates to wear shirts that have to be tucked in for the above reasons. Secondly that he’s not particularly a slim person, a slightly thickset lower abdomen and a very fleshy bum *yea very grabable*.

He would look at every mirror he walked past, clear image or not, anything that would show a recognisable reflection, even his phone. He can be unbelievably vain. Some women cannot compare to him, not even with number of perfume bottles owned. He brushes his eye brows too. He can't totally be blamed, he’s good looking and people confirm it almost on a daily, even guys. He admits compliments massage his ego and he loves it, that’s why he wouldn’t want to let anyone down.

If there was time, he would ensure that he knew exactly what he was going to wear to whatever occasion. He tries to be careful. With other things, he could be said to be suffering from that kind of OCD, just like Beckham.

In spite of all this, he loves wearing t-shirt and jeans with slippers *not flip-flops please*, palm slippers, thank you. He selects undees that have waist bands that make statements. His painstaking selection makes regular clothes look like a million bucks. He makes NEXT look like Ted Baker, or so he would love to think. He’s not rich or so much of a spend thrift but he’ll pay for it he wants it dearly, of course the Jaegers and Ralph Laurents are reserved for those occasions. He can’t afford to look like everyday.

He has only just recognised that the entire world was not out with binoculars like it was the Ascot Racing, watching his every step on the streets, maybe indoors, yes. It has occurred to him that he’s just a guy with regular clean clothes like the rest of the world. His jeans are shredded at the bottom and scrapes the ground on which he walks, one other has a gash somewhere.

Yesterday to prove to himself he stopped in the middle of Oxford Street and pulled at his crutch to adjust his underpants that had gotten twisted his pubic hair and was causing discomfort. However, he would rather die than try that anywhere in his home country, least of all, city centre. He strives for sophistication amidst his spontaneity, even speaks of himself in third person.

LOS-PHC-XXX-PHC-LOS

I was thinking about you and what happened the last time you came over. You know what, if that’s how you want it then let it be that way. It’s not like you’re my girlfriend and I cheated on you or anything like that.

You would have to learn to grow up and take responsibility for your actions and stop acting like someone is tying you up and sucking on your clit against your will. Maybe you really are slow.

I know I have my faults and I ask for exoneration, but who doesn’t. The drama you put up was utter rubbish, first of all, you stop me right in the middle of intercourse; in-between your moaning, groaning and telling me to fuck your pussy you start begging me to stop and mean it. What the problem might be, I ask. I initially thought it was because we were not using protection; but we had just fucked one hand before now, you were the one that sat on my bare dick and said you were safe. Anyway, I was wrong; it had nothing to do with contraceptives. I stopped.

You said something about not being able to do away with the feelings you once had, as far as I am concerned, you had moved on. Were you not the one calling me and giving me beef last year? Somehow you succeeded in giving me no reasons why we had to stop sex halfway through.

The gloop on my shaft was enough for me to wank with. I return from the bathroom to find you sobbing. No one within a 10mile radius knew the reason why you are crying like you had just lost your virginity. I comfort you saying sorry for ever inviting you. You asked to leave next flight and cut a 4 day trip to an overnight outing. After I had concluded arrangements to leave work and take you to the airport 50 minutes away from town you change your mind to stay the entire trip. Let’s be friends like we had originally agreed.

That day goes by quietly and peacefully, nothing absolutely physical between us, not even a hug. We’re back from the evening's outing. This girl at this point I won’t call my chic called and we spoke for about an hour, over half of which I spent in the toilet because I had to take a shit and couldn’t clean up till after I was done with the call.

You got angry when I said yes that it seemed like I had a chic, I said yes because she was the one I had been spending all my talk time with for the past couple of months. Not like you ever called me anyway. I was not sure if I was going to tell you about her because there was nothing to tell. Saying stuff like you felt used and betrayed was silly, I was never yours to start with and made you no promises.

I don’t see what you were getting hurt about. I am not your boyfriend, am I? We once had something going that didn't work, now are trying to be friends. We should feel free to tell each other about the other people in our lives; maybe you’d have me tell a lie. I told you I was sorry if it hurt you, you said I should go fuck myself.

If you can’t handle fucking a man that’s has his eyes on another chic then don’t agree to buying you a plane ticket to fly halfway across the country to him. I wish it didn’t end this way but now I don’t care if you forgive or forget anything; it’s your own kettle of fish, fry or boil as you damn well please.

Artlessness Is Departed

I held a cold glass of Guinness, smoking a cigarette and gazing coldly athwart
I saw them as they did a promenade on foot, holding books in their other hands
Her hand was held in his as he swung it gently guiding her beside him
I looked at his face as he peered into hers. I saw the gleam in his eye

When we once loved purely and blameless, with virtue and honesty
When the words in the love epistles had no ulterior motives
Hiding and talking endlessly on the house phone deep into the hours of darkness
Yet unable to say to her anything above a Hi and a smile in school the next day

Lunchtime, we strengthen our comradeship, sharing private jokes & telling secrets
Walking across the school field with my hand across his neck, on his shoulders
We stop and I’m wincing as he tries to unplug a sebum in a hair follicle on my face
He is unmindful of the intensity of the passion I feel for his older sister

Putting my hand across my friend’s shoulder now is almost forbidden for its gayness
Any of such physical closeness might present us as queer in reputation.
She and I must be sleeping together if we embrace or are seen coming out of an abode
My phone rings, young female voice, wrong number & I’m thinking about sex with her

I do not know if I miss the days when we dwelt in incorruptibility and naïveté
When the husband of my mother’s friend’s does not think I want to lay with his wife
When I could use the word homosexual and not be sexually discriminatory
When the use of contraceptives was still an obscurity and porn a taboo
And when love was deeply romantic, affectionate and true

Innocence has left the building

Crouching Nigger Hidden Savage

I heard the smashing sound of glass and the startle almost broke my neck; my eyes closed by reflex as I saw shrapnel flying when the bottle made contact with the edge of our table. I almost slid off my seat when I ducked leftwards turning around to face the would-be assailant.

This was the guy from outside the beer parlour next to ours that we had laughed at when a girl, whose ass he had apparently grabbed, was shouting him down and threatening with her stiletto heels. He had a horrible looking scare above his lip and he looked like a ruffian. Now he had three other goons around him and my two friends I was seated with were up on their feet as well, all on guard.

“For this town? Una dey mad? Na me una dey make jest of” said this low life scum. He was probably the lord and master of everything that walked and talked around there.

What’s going on here? Is this brute the fucking owner of the town? I conveniently had several other friends drinking in this bar at this point in time; we had all stopped here to kill time before heading for the traditional marraige that that brought us to this part of town. This senseless guy was obviously unaware of the fact that unless he had an army waiting around the corner that he was outnumbered. I was not going to have this bastard walk free after this performance.

His muscular looking chest was heaving beneath his green and white striped t-shirt. He probably thought he was Julius Cesar. I only prayed he didn’t have a gun because a brawl was about to ensue.

My friend Omo (from Fall In, Walk Out of Love) was standing to my right and my other best friend Bob on my left, the perfect combination for the first attack. We were not the ones to walk away from a fight and especially not today that the stage was set.

No time to space out.

My cheek hurt. I touched it, a piece of glass had pricked me. “Fucking shit, this guy’s don wound me” I said to Bob. In a split-second I pounced across the table grabbing the empty bottle of Sprite close to the base. Before his punch narrowly missed my jaw and landed on my shoulder, I slammed the under of the bottle on his left brow. My left hand reaching for his gullet and the bottle still in my other hand I raised my right hand so my elbow could make impact his mouth. I missed. I felt the sharp familiar pain of a blow landing on the right side of my head. I held fast. In one barbaric motion I flogged the bottle in the direction of the punch and felt it crack as it made contact with his man’s shoulder. Two other or more of my friends took him down with some vicious kicks and punches.

They had just realised we were no longer three guys against the four of them. I saw Bob in midair as his head made contact with the other guy’s lips and jaw. I know he drew blood as they both crashed unto the table behind me.

I had grappled with my opponent as he grabbed my waist with both hands in an attempt to wrestle me to the ground. Stretching one leg behind me to balance myself and keep it beyond his reach, I elbowed his back. Realising that he had taken hold of my one leg, I crashed my elbow in the middle of his back as hard as I could again, in the bid to cause proper damage this time. He arched his back in pain and threw another punch as he rose quickly to full height, I jumped back to dodge the upper cut as it bruised my cheek right under my eye. It was very inconvenient throwing a punch in my position so as struck his face with a very fierce slap, it landed on his left eye. In one swooping motion, before he would hit me again, I followed it closely with a point blank clout. He was turning like he wanted to run seeing that he and his men might have been overpowered by mine before someone’s foot caught him smack in the side of his neck; He hit the ground and a feet landed on his chest and his sides.

One of his goons lost balance and struggled to catch the ground as someone swept his two feet of the ground with a calculated boot. By this time, everyone sitting around was standing; the bar had managed to empty half of its human content across the open culvert separating the road and the beer parlour.

Some friends of my friends proceeded to drag these guys outside towards the back road to further investigate the scuffle. These particular associates of mine were ones not to be fucked with and especially not now when alcohol was involved; these hoodlums are going to be very sorry for their guts. I briefly assessed my face in a side mirror, there was only a little cut from the broken glass.

We hung around for a while, paid for our drinks, as another friend arrived with three mobile policemen. It was almost time to head for the proposed occasion, we handed the boys over to them, Bob changed into his inner shirt because his shirt had blood on it then hit the road. It had been ages since we had adrenaline pumped in such a brash masculine way, besides during wild sex. It felt good.

Almost forgetting the incident early that evening, we had fun that night, more drinks and women.

Customer Served

Out of the corner of one eye, she looks at me then back at the paper she was writing on. “Abeg I can’t, I’m busy” was the scornful reply I got from this narrow ass cheaply clad tramp meant to be the cash teller behind the counter at this grimy looking bank, after I had asked her if she could give me the account number for a customer into whose account I was to pay money.

“Look here, you sad bitch, if you’re tired of the job go home and frustrate your poor ass husband, that’s if you’re lucky enough to have one” I sharply retorted without thinking.

I have had it with these so called new generation bankers that don’t know jack about civility least of all customer services. I could have been anyone for all she cared. All I needed was for the cheeky lass to attend to my request as I had edgily waited for over twenty minutes for my turn. Thinking she was going to give me the same attitude I had watched her give all the others in front of me was the wrongest move she was going to be making in a very long time. The second time in two days from another crappy bank? No way! I was alive, well and was having a bad day enough to give it to her.

Frowning her ugly face, with small tribal marks on the sides of her face by her eyes she looked up agape. “Please sir, be careful oh, what is it?” she told me

“Are you mad? Tell your father to be careful” pointing my pen at her.

“Ah ah sir, don’t be angry. What is the matter?” the cashier beside her, in an attempt to cool me down, interjected as she overheard my rantings”

“Imagine this dirty little rat, telling me that she’s too busy to attend to me when it has come to my turn. Is she drunk?”

Luckily, I had just found the piece of paper I had written the account number on tucked in one pocket inside my wallet. I scribbled the number on the slip and instructed her in a callously authoritative manner. “Take this money and pay it in, if you like put it in your purse”

There’s something about banks that can get me to one of the highest heights of aggravation especially in Port Harcourt, and today was going to be one of the days I was going to have my voice heard.

At this time her assistant manager had walked up behind her in time to hear the end of that brief wrangle. Seeing fire oozing from my nostrils, he apologised on her behalf then took the cash and deposit slip from her and asked me to come over for him to do himself. She tried to explain to him but he instructed her to forget it and attend to the next customer.

He wasn’t only an old school mate but we had lived together in NYSC camp and then in one room for the rest of the year somewhere in Egbaland. In his office, we briefly went over the incident. I told him I was not as angry as he thought, it was just ripe so it had to be plucked.

Truth be told; I felt a little sorry for the bit of hell I let loose on the unsuspecting poor girl. She didn’t see it coming was a plus for me. The day wasn’t mine and I was not going to let it be hers either.

Owerri Blues

I was quite young then but I knew when someone was not searching for his keys in my pocket. I woke up that night during one of those one-week holidays in Owerri; my mum was sleeping in the next room and my cousin was caressing my belly button area and my waistline.

His palm inside my pyjamas top stroking my chest down to my navel slowly roused me to the anticipation of sexual delight and the realisation of my already hard penis. Then, I guess I was very adventurous when it came to sexual matters, open to everything, provided pleasure was guaranteed.

Cos, five years older, with me only thirteen, seemed like he knew what he was doing when he unbuttoned my top and started sucking on my nipples. At this point I could not act like I was asleep anymore but remained still.

I remember taking a bath with him in the morning and ogling at his well hung frame. I was in awe but did a bad job at keeping my hands to myself. The resulting effect was the romance right here and now in his bed. At that age I was oblivious of the concept of lesbianism and homosexuality, had not the faintest idea what it demanded and therefore didn’t think good or bad of it. I was only eager to experience the pleasures that be.

He continued his mission down into my trousers unto my erect still ‘adolescenting’ dick. Nothing felt better than his lips on it. It felt so menacing yet so congenial. He continued sucking around the tight rim of my cap, under my balls then proceeded to rim me. I was twitching all over only just realising that such heights of pleasure really existed. I was blissed out.

Suddenly positions changed and I was required to perform the same procedure. I cannot remember him ejaculating semen but I stopped because I was tired not knowing how it was meant to end. We eventually dressed up, rolled over and slept till morning. I woke and realised I had just had the coolest dream in the world and that was it.

Another holiday was here again and we were bound to make another trip to Owerri again. My mother had just parked the car then stopped me before I had the chance to jump out. She maybe considering that I was now of a knowledgeable age decided to advice the first son of her womb about the harsh realities of this wicked world.

“Please be very careful with Cos” she started, “you know he was suspended from school for bad behaviour?” she asked

“I didn’t know that, what did he do?” I asked with genuine inquisitiveness

“Well, He was given indefinite suspension for practising homosexuality”

My jaw dropped, such rhema, then realised that, that was not a dream I had in Owerri during the other holiday. Oh my God. That is what it is!

“Be very careful around him, so he doesn’t try anything on you” she warned

“Yes mummy” I said with a renewed wisdom. There went my innocence, I felt so sick. I had become a man. Now I was in the know. I was not going to let it happen.

The nine days we spent in Owerri was not fun. He made advances on the first night, in vain, I succumbed on the second night then proceeded to dodge him the rest of the vacation, sometimes without success. Truthfully I enjoyed every bit of the rubbish we indulged in but since after I had that talk with my mother, my life had not remained the same. I felt a conscience. Now I know too much, I now knew I was not meant to be doing this. However, I think he was phasing because I knew he had girlfriends then, and was also fucking his sister’s school mother. This character might have been applicably bisexual.

We never talked about those episodes and they fizzled out. Now we are grown men chasing women together whenever our planets collide. He’s got a kid with his wifey, a black beauty from The Gambia.

I am 273% straight, totally unscathed and will never be with a man, but I can only speak for myself.

WHAT I KNOW

I know
I know this time its for real and
I know she’ll be jealous
I know so
I know I’m gonna get very hungry after this post
and I know I don’t know what I want to eat
I know Jesus is Lord
I so know that
I know that preparation precedes performance
I know it felt really good when I saw my last payslip
I know
I know Obasanjo will die and go to hell
I know that Odili will be right behind him
I know
I know I love Isi’s blog and she loves mine too
I know I might never be perfect but I do my best
I know a stitch in time saves nine
I know
I know if I put my heart to it, I can achieve it
I know I need to lose some weight
I know
I know that sex makes the world go round
I know say wetin dey kill person go first block him ear
and I know say trouble no good
I know
I know too much
I know that I will tag the first 6 chics that come to mind
and I know you’ll do me comment about it

Blackjamesbond, thanks for letting me borrow without asking

Tagged - Isi, Hengish, Bumight, Desperate Lady, Tyger and Lighty

Do I Love Your Ways?

I hate you dislike Bob Marley

I love you know the right words to say

I hate you leave me in emotional limbo

I love you find me fairly humorous

I hate red nail varnish on your toes

I love to smell your hair when I hold you

I hate you don’t let me in my kitchen

I love you slicing onions and pounding yam

I hate you can be needlessly pessimistic

I love you say ‘yeah baby’ when I call

I hate you have too many shoes

I love the clothes you buy me are spot on

I hate you can’t take simple driving instructions

I love long trips with you as my companion

I hate how much attention you give your novels

I love you always select the best movies for the evening

I hate you make we wait for ages

I love you cosset me when my back hurts

I hate you dot all the T’s and cross all the I’s

I’m in love with the love we make

Part V - Post Rendezvous

(just in case you missed it, you might want to read all preceding episodes first)

We had left Eve back in my room and by the time I got back she was peacefully asleep, her eyes looked puffy as they were shut. I thought I saw tears. If she was not feeling well and wanted to spend the night in my room, I had no problems absolutely with it. Before I snuck into the bathroom and took a pleasant warm shower, I sent a text to Nma telling her how nice the time was that I spent with her and that I was looking forward to the morrow. She said she did too and was almost home.

In a foetal position, she looked like she was cold and needed comfort so I pulled the duvet over her and then went ahead to sort my stuff out for my meetings and presentation the next morning after which I turned the lights off and slid quietly into bed. I would normally sleep face down on my belly but I lay on my right side backing Eve then sent one more text message, this time to my mother telling her I was in Lagos, reassuring her I was okay. I pull my end of the duvet over gently so I would not awaken my novel bedmate before I let myself drift into restful sleep.

Unsure of how long I had slept for or what time it was, I progressively regained consciousness to a pull on my arm over her side with Eve inching into me with her backside to my groin in a spooning position. I did not even know I was facing the other way. I was now wide awake realising that I had a full grown woman in my bed and was quite uncertain if I should let her know I was now wide awake. Something did not quite feel right about it although I was sure it was something I could walk through.

I then remembered that she had earlier said that she was in need of counsel and seemed quite low-spirited. I did not want to think that this was one of those P&T games women play.

This was a woman I had repeatedly denied myself of seeing as sexually appealing and it did not help matters when I found out that she no longer had the pair of joggers on. I could feel the bare skin of the back of her thighs as I stretched to full consciousness. I tactfully tucked my dick in between my legs to prevent it from prodding her if it got stiff. I asked if she was alright and she murmured something inaudible then relaxed into me as I pushed my arm all the way around her belly. I whisper telling her that she would be ok, trying to take my mind off the possible leadings of my current position before the core of my masculinity would take charge and then I closed my eyes and tried to sleep.

I had a not so restful night after all because she woke me up every time she turned in her sleep and especially when she buried her face in my chest, thank goodness I had a shirt on; I would not bear to feel her breath on my bare chest. In the morning, I had a monster erection; thankfully, she had curled up on her own facing the other direction. Although it happened most mornings, I was not sure this morning’s hardness was unconnected to the woman in my bed.

It was not yet morning when I got up and walked towards the bathroom, backing the bed, shielding the protrusion in my boxer shorts. I emerged from the bathroom after a long piss and the wait to lose the erection to find Eve wide awake with the lights on; I came in and sat by her side.

Stroking her hair I asked, “Are you alright? I hope you slept well?”

“Yes, I did” she replied, now sitting up, holding my hand and squeezing gently, she said “Thank you”

“For?” I asked

“For being there for me when I needed someone and especially when I needed comforting arms around me”

Embarrassed, I say “What can you do without me, you owe me your life” grinning

“You can have me then” she said smiling spreading her arms wide apart

“Ok, don’t let’s go there. Trouble no good” I say rising from the bed imagining how I would love to do just that.

“Really, thank you very much. You’re such a big brother” she said again

I said heartily, “Eheh! Big Brother Africa! You'll be alright.

Then she starts, “I wasn’t thinking. I couldn’t. I felt like shit. I just wanted to cry my eyes out but I guess I was too tired to cry, I slept off when you walked your friend downstairs. Very fine girl you know” she stopped talking like she thinking about something. “You guys have something? By the way, I’m sorry if I interrupted anything last night, at that time I couldn’t be bothered. You guys look good together though. And you’ve got a presentation to make this morning. And I’m talking too much?” she concluded

“I’m listening to you my dear, talk to me” trying to take my mind off the woman in my bed that tormented my last night, I had to encourage her to talk despite how I wanted to jump back in bed and crash for about forty-five minutes to an hour. My meeting was not till 10:30 that morning so I had over 4 hours to play with.

As she poured out her heart to me, I moved to sit on one of the chairs and saw her joggers lying lazily on it, then realised all she had on was the t-short I could see and maybe underpants, my roving mind began yet another journey. I remembered the brush of her thighs against mine and wondered what it would feel like to touch. I sat down and swung my legs over one arm of the chair in order not to publicly display my privates.

She told me how she had just ended an almost 2 year long relationship because her partner had stopped being the pleasant fellow he had always being. She complained about a certain coldness that he exuded and how she thought she deserved to be treated a lot nicer than he did her. She suspected another woman and was not going to fight with anyone especially for a man she was no longer sure had her best interest at heart and whom she claimed had taken advantage of her eagerness to love. She told him how she felt about everything and it had hurt her really bad because he had just sat there and said nothing even as she walked away into the hotel. The least I could say was that shit happened every day, I advised she took things easy that it would pass then I asked what she would do if he came back with all the reasons in this world asking for her forgiveness. She thought for a bit then said something I did not quite hear because at that time she drew the bedcovers off slowly revealing her half naked self; pulling the tee over her lower body she got up from the bed.

It happened again, my heart missed two beats. Embarrassed, I did not know whether to look away or just be. I had seen her in very tight skirts before but refused to go further with the thought, she was shaped like a Coke bottle. I ogled as the curves made their way all the way from her full brown legs under her top, sexily bow from the knees, she walked towards the bathroom; her t-shirt did not cover the entirety of her behind. The sight of her buttocks restrained by bright red knickers caused a fluttering sensation in my stomach and a rush of blood. I shook my head and stretched to reorient my immediate being. This definitely could be injurious for the both of us.

The next few minutes found me deep in thought; questioning what the game was that she played thinking I was irresponsive to such seductive performances. Eve must have something else coming if she thinks she’s going to get away scot-free. I can’t be doling out pity, lending her my heart and she giving me a ‘hard’ time (pun intended)

In order to avert a reoccurrence of that embarrassing moment, I got up and decide to occupy myself with the contents of my briefcase awaiting her emergence from the bathroom.

In my mind; she was standing by the bathroom door, leaning on one leg, giving me the eye making sure I notice her young breasts with erect nipples straining through the tee which now hung loosely on one hip showing off the side of her well rounded hips. She starts walking towards me with an intent I couldn’t wait to uncover, I turn to face her in the chair moving outwards as she approached only to have her bestride my right leg sitting on my knee. I exhale totally when I feel the warmth moistness from in between her legs. I grab her behind with both hands and then pull her closer as she reaches past and without warning swallows up my left ear lobe making me shudder with thrill just before she whispers the words, “I’m so horny and I want you right now”. My mind went on and so forth.

“You’re alright?” I asked without looking as I hear her coming out of the bathroom.

“I’m alright…” she said as she moved into the room now seemingly conscious of her half naked state although I pretended to be engaged with something inside by attaché case ”…just a whole lot of stuff going on in my head” she finished.

“Call for a cup of coffee” I told her

“It’s a little too early, let me get to my room and relax a bit. Time dey, I fit even sleep small. Baroque, thanks for your kindness” she replied as she fitted her lower body into the joggers and straightened her hair.

“You’re welcome my dear. Be ready by 8:30 so we go downstairs for breakfast, ok?” I instructed just before she leaves and I jump in bed and snooze for about an hour.

PHONE IV - contd

Tryst II

She crossed her legs as she sat on one of the two seats in my room, and then rummaged through her bag for a moment or two before emerging with some chewing gum and offered me one. Rising to her feet and telling me for the umpteenth time how hot it was in Nigeria, she took her jacket off revealing the rest of the bottle green tube top she had on, and the source of the heaving cleavage. Sitting on the bed, I stretch leaning on the headboard a few feet away smiling as my heart missed a beat or two from seeing her full figure.

“You’re not always like this, are you? Very nice and warm” she asked smiling
“Hmmm, warm! I say no more, you are yet to find out” I tell her, flashing my legendary not guilty look.

I loved the way her eyes turned into two horizontal furry slits whenever she laughed, showing off a set of impeccably white teeth. Her dentition that seemed like a set from a cosmetic dentist’s catalogue was covered with full very African looking lips. My mouth watered for the taste of it.

She had a rich laughter and seemed to be in a merry mood, laughing at almost everything I said, she had earlier said something about loving my sense of humour and finding me very amusing. If she was just flirting whenever she passed me a compliment was not for me to determine, I was loving the attention. Gradually, our conversation crept into more sensual issues and I tried very hard to be civil all along.

There was something about this girl that brought the butterflies. I had this urge to lunge at her, take all her clothes off in a hurry and do to her as I pleased. We then went into how it was nice meeting each other and then she confirmed the original outing for the next day, Friday. I suggested that we would go listen to some real good live music somewhere at the big mall on Lekki Expressway and promised it was going to be exciting. But not as exciting as what followed in the next few moments.

She sat up in the chair and held my head as I crawled up to her on my knees and positioned my kneeling self in-between her legs. As her soft wet lips merged with mine, my blood flow split in two ways, one rushed into my heart and the other into my pants causing an instant rock hard erection. Her tongue tasted better than I thought it would, searching the insides of her mouth obsessively. She smelt good even as she tenderly sucked my lower lip and I gently nibbled on her upper lip. I ran my hands down her waistline holding her firmly feeling her curves, and then running it back up under her top. The smoothness of her skin sent my rockets to the sky. It had been ages since I felt such heat from a stranger.

The excitement increasingly becoming unbearable, I start to rise to my feet. With her legs wrapped around my waist I lift her from the chair and balance us on my feet. As much Kama Sutra as I knew, I stand with us in the position for a bit longer kissing away at the tenderness of her neck just before I undo her bra strap with my left hand. I feel her full hardened breasts break free from the stronghold then I lay her lightly on the bed.

Pulling her vest upwards towards her breasts with my teeth, I kiss away at her belly as she moans softly then she exhales rumbling as I lick her navel. I think I heard her say ‘stop’ before she let out a big guttural sound as I ran my lips millimetres away from her erect nipple as I licked the hardness of the smooth skin of her left breast. A pleasant smell caught my attention as I moved to her right breast, all along dodging the nipple. She attempted to catch my head and place it on her nipple but I held her arms back to the sides on her head making her assume the ‘I surrender’ position.

As I bruised her nipple with my lower lip, I let the warm air from my mouth grace it and it crinkled still. It tasted hard and that felt good. She let out a muffled groan of relief as I sucked on it gently. She responded more as I sucked harder and moved to the other breast. I loved the way she was reaching for me and grabbing my head. I moved away from her reach and went down towards her belly button again. I bite her side just by her waist making her twist and moaning loudly.

She suddenly sits upright catching my hands as I unzipped her trousers.
“Please stop” she begged
“Let’s jump in the bath. Warm or cold whichever way you want it” I say not wanting to leave this scene half done
Wittily she retorted “I’m not sure both of us can fit in it, and I think someone is at the door”
“At this time? I’m not getting it, let the person go home”. Then I hear my name and distressed rapping on the door. Seeing Eve through the peephole looking like she was not in the mood to be turned away caught me off guard and I started going limp.

I opened the door for her after we had hurriedly rearranged our clothes and Nma had sat and crossed her legs back on the seat. She told me she was not happy and needed to talk to and be with someone and that was why she was in my room. Clad in a loose t-shirt, joggers and slippers, she tried to lose the gloomy look when I introduced both of them, then she gave Nma a hug before sitting on the bed.

At the time Nma stood up to leave. We started kissing again and said goodbye in the parking lot just before the hotel taxi drove off. I watched them drive away and I went back upstairs.

Phone IV – Tryst

Tryst I

She’s not half bad, this colleague of mine, professionally speaking, that is. Eve had just made a presentation at the meeting and she was fantastic. I had no idea why I was feeling the way I was but she sure made me swell with pride, then I started seeing her in that light again, my mind was going places. It didn’t quite feel appropriate so I dropped it. I am of the opinion that Eve is the most attractive woman in my office. On our way to the hotel she told she was going out to have dinner with this guy whom she was in a situation with, (the way she put it), with whom she had issues to clear.

Up in my room on the 6^th floor, I pick up my cell phone to call Nma when I see the text message.

‘Baroque, call me when you’re done I’m on the island, lets hook up, Nma’

I phone her right away and we agree to meet in about an hour and a half minutes at a bar in the cinema building not very far away from my hotel. I get there on time, a little after dusk, loud music playing. Still freshly smelling of my new fragrance, I look for a nice corner and hide myself so I would see her once she walks in. I order a small bottle of Guinness Extra Stout and start scouting anxiously. I was on the lookout for a not so very dark skinned, taller than the average Nigerian woman, with distinctly wide hips.

My phone starts vibrating in my pocket; instinctively I let it ring till it cuts. I bring out the phone later and see a missed call from Nma, then I quickly sent a text message to Eve, asking how her evening was going.

Finishing my drink, I stand to make across the room when someone taps me lightly and says, “Hello, Mr. B”, startled, I spin around and see this not so very dark skinned, taller than the average Nigerian woman grinning at me. “My name is Nma” she says smiling from ear to ear, I open wide for a hug instead. After I disengage from this very big, warm and full breasted embrace, I look at the other end of the room and in wonder I say.

“How did you know I was the one? The phone?” I enquired smiling like I had just won a lottery
“The chance I had to take. I’ve been watching you since you entered here. It just had to be you”
“You’ve been watching me? And I was feeling very smart, thinking I’d find you first. I thought you were that girl, the one in the dark top” I replied, nodding in the direction of a girl I thought was Nma.
“Don’t tell me you were gonna walk up to their table. You almost fooled me though, I called but you didn’t even reach for your phone” she said
“Well, you never really can be sure. The chance I had to take too” I retorted cheekily ogling back at her cleavage as it stared me rudely in the face. ‘Nice breasts’ I thought to myself

“Instinctively I knew it was you the moment you brought out your phone and sent that high speed text message” sounding like she had just debunked a mystery. We laugh hilariously about how I had successfully peeled the number pad with my reckless speed text typing skill.

She had a blue denim jacket on a green camisole over a pair of sky blue jeans that held fast unto her shapely figure. Her slim waist projected her hips making her look like a mermaid, then I noticed her flat tummy. However, I couldn’t wait to run my hands over her sides down past her hips and through the underside of her backside up to the base of her spine up to her nape, my ever roving mind had begun its expedition.

I take one quick look at her, digesting her full womanly frame in one swoop, valuing what I see, I smile, give her a firm handshake and say, “So pleased to meet you, Nma. And pardon my saying; you no try for the description at all” I tell her

“Why? Did I do a bad job?” she asked curiously
“Dreadful job, you properly under described yourself” I said smiling
“As in?” she asked like she was blushing
“I like what I see and I say no more, at least for now” I say conclusively.
“Ok, let’s go grab dinner. I didn’t have lunch and I’m starving” she suggested speaking both our minds.

She wanted to eat something local so we took a drive to this nice quiet restaurant somewhere on the island where I had white rice and goat meat pepper soup, she had ‘ofada’ rice and dried fish. I found her modest, quite unpretentious and I liked it. We had a very lively enlightening conversation, getting to know ourselves better. I couldn’t hold the official driver till after 9pm so I asked if we could return to my hotel so he could take the car back to the office and get home.